Chuck Norris?

Today's entry is multi-faceted. A group of kids in a local high school has a hit list of people they wanted hit. On that list was Chuck Norris. Now what bothers me most about Chuck Norris is his hairpiece, but I would never put him on a hit list. Apparently these future leaders felt otherwise. They also put some teachers and other kids on the list, which qualifies them for jackass status, but I mean, come on.

Next up are the school officials, who blinded by fear, have instituted a zero-tolerance policy on all hit lists - even those that contain Chuck Norris. I guess every school official in the country qualifies.

But the real jackass in this story is the jackass who got the story to the local news outlet. Seriously? This is news worthy? Or is it fear-mongering to the maximum?

So today's nomination is every news person who pretends a story like this is important while what they're really doing is hoping they'll be lucky enough to have a tragedy like Columbine happen in their own backyard.

I'm Off To The Souk to Buy A Hajib For My Camel

Hats off to Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashed Al-Maktoum, Crown Prince of Dubai, who purchased a very comely and fetching camel for $2.7 million last week at the big camel beauty pageant held annually in Abu Dhabi.

As you can see she is quite the charmer.

But Oulsham, you say, how does this person qualify as a jackass candidate, aren't you a lassiez-faire free-marketer? Yes, in fact that is very astute of you to see the contradiction. I begrudge not the spending of $2.7 million on a camel, especially one as cute as this one.

What I find jackass worthy is the fact that there is a camel beauty contest in the first place. Let's think about this together. This is a culture that has covered up its women for reasons of modesty (or lack of self-control - take your pick), depriving itself of true beauty thereby forcing itself to hold camel beauty contests.

Oulsham, you xenophobe, you say, it's a cultural thing and it's quite obvious you aren't bright enough to understand cultural differences. Maybe, but you have to agree culture or not, admitting attendance at a camel beauty pageant, let alone buying one of the contestants for $2.7 million, opens one up for a lot of conjecture. I'm just saying.

Today's nominee for Jackass Week Champion: Camel Beauty Contest Organizers.

This Jackass Week Pick Is Almost Boring

I'm partially ashamed that Tuesday's Jackass Week pick is so obvious. Actually we have a tie. I am nominating supporters of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton as entrants in the current Jackass Week bonanza. Barack is smug enough to twist John McCain's words and get his toadies and lackies believing that McCain actually wants troops in Iraq for 100 years. Dear Jackasses, may I introduce you to a word: hyperbole. Go look it up. By the way, Barama wasn't using hyperbole when he claimed 10,000 people died in last summer's tornado outbreak in Kansas.

And just how many stupid lies is Hillary going to tell before all of you Hillary sycophants wise up? Gun fire in Bosnia? Woman refused treatment in Ohio for lack of $100 that caused her to die? Right wing conspiracy? Dear Jackasses, might it just be a bit unsavory to support someone who so boldly lies to reach office? At least you could support somone like Barack who runs behind subtle lies, or McCain who's given up caring about what he says.

Jackasses.

Hooray! It's Jackass Week!

I love this week probably more than any other week of the year. Well that's a complete and utter lie, but I'm just trying to get you psyched up for the Third Biennial Jackass Week! Now, there are a lot of people in my own personal journey who have proved themselves to be ultimate jackasses, but that's not what Jackass Week is about. We'll be voting Friday for The Biggest Jackass of Jackass Week. Well, I'll be the only one voting because it's my blog and my idea, but you can get your own blog and make up something like "Dumb Person of the Week Week" or "Here Is a List of Stupid People Week," or something lame like that, but the dealio is Jackass Week is mine all mine.

The first nominee is the critter who wrote this sentence: "Take a shower a day and in 77 years you will have soaped up more than 28,000 times - and sent a lot of water down the drain." (Nat'l Geo Human Footprint April 2008). Jackass. Water can be used more than once. In fact I took a shower just a few minutes ago with water that Napoleon Bonaparte's horse may have, well, evacuated. I brushed my teeth with water Jesus may have walked on. Does this imbecile know where water goes when it goes down the drain? The same place water goes after it falls from the sky. The difference is we sometimes stop it and fiddle with it before we send it to the ocean. Have you ever seen the ocean? It's big and filled with water. There are like five oceans and three seas I can think of right now, plus a whole bunch of lakes and puddles. With all of this showering going on you'd think they'd be low or something, but no! They're still full. And besides I've heard that French people don't use as much of it as we do.

I for one will continue to use water. I'll drink it. Shower with it. Drive my truck through big puddles of it to see how high I can get it to go. Swim in it. Eat fish from it. But I will not be made to feel guilty about any of it.

Jackass.

I Wanted Lettuce On My Sandwich But Didn't Get Any

I ate lunch yesterday in a diner. I live in New Jersey, where else do you think I would eat lunch, Subway? Anyway there were two guys in the booth acrost from me (notice New Jersey spelling). One was about 45 and the other was about 46. From their appearance they both seemed to be fairly successful middle-management types. I would guess one worked for U-Haul and the other might have been a fertilizer salesman. I'm not sure. But the point is they were having a lively and in-depth discussion about American Idol. Who the favorites were, why they were the best, who was going home next, who the final two were. I found this odd. Two grown men talking about American Idol on their lunch breaks. Almost creepy in a way, like, don't these guys watch sports or clean hair out of drains or do, other, more "guy" stuff? What also surprised me was how wrong all of their opinions were.

Kids These Days

So now everyone is shocked about the third graders in Georgia who put a fairly complex, if somewhat naive, plan together to off their teacher (who had disciplined one of them for standing on a chair). Seriously, stop being so ridiculous. Have you met any parents and their kids lately? Now that kids are their parents' BFF's in all their special little glory, no one says 'no' to the little creepy bastards, and when someone finally does, well then, that person must die. Mama in her stretch pants with her tattooed boobs will roll right down to the school and raise Holy Hell if the 'no' sayer is not punished capitally.

Couple that with the genetic breakdown caused by the non-stop garbage these kids' BFF/parents make them watch every time they hop in the SUV, and the Grand Theft Auto games the little trolls got for Christmas from Grandma and Grandpa who haven't a clue about what they just bought, and you will get murderous hordes of kids. Oh, and by the way, most of the kids were girls, that's right, creepy, icky girls. Shocked? Not me. The boys were probably too out of it on Ridalin to get up the energy to properly help with the plan.

Do I condone nine-year-olds plotting to kill their third grade teachers? No, but I had a crush on my third grade teacher so I am not wholly qualified to answer. However, I do have little tolerance for a society that complains about what it allows and then gets indignant and shocked about it.

There Are Alot of Jobs Out There

I was reading this month's National Geographic, a naive rag that is to science what People magazine is to culture but it's got great pictures, anyway, as I was saying, I was reading this month's copy and I learned that there is a guy who is considered the world's foremost authority on gecko adhesion. So what does being a Gecko Adhesion Authority (GAA) pay? Do you get a cool ID tag, or a badge maybe? What does a Gecko Adhesion Authority do for fun? For all you kids sitting at home waiting to be told what to do with your lives, consider this my advice.