Oulshamobile. Not As Crazy As You Think.

So I'm assuming they had metal detectors and what not at Nationals Field today for the Pope's Mass. And, when the Pope said the Mass he was standing out in the open, so safety was not an issue.

I ask you then, what's up with the Popemobile? He needs to be enclosed in the Popemobile while he drives around the field to greet the people? He looked like one of those sno-globe things you might bring back from your trip to the Vatican. WAIT A FREAKIN' MINUTE! Are you kidding me? I am so brilliant! I am going to make miniature Popemobiles and fill the part where the Pope sits with water and sno-globe things. I have had great ideas in the past, but this is so over-the-top even I can't believe it.

Lest those of you who are now up in arms start calling your lawyers, I am not making fun of anything but the very concept of an enclosed Anyonemobile in a place where safety is not an issue. Well, I'm also making fun of the tacky way this current Papal journey is being marketed. I really don't think Jesus was thinking trinkets to keep His Word fresh in our minds. The Mass was probably incredibly stirring and spiritually riveting and I would have loved to be there, but baseball jerseys and Pope bobbleheads? You're kidding me right?

I Couldn't Wait Until Tomorrow

Screw that peace, love and understanding bit. I've seen this behavior before, I think it's the peroxide. It seeps into the brain and causes one to act like a lead-poisoned Roman patrician.

If You Can't Kill It Put It In A Cage

WARNING: Today's post is deep and not that funny. It mentions religion negatively. Reading further may cause your apple cart to fall over. You have been warned: I am about to get all philosophical on your heinies, so don't get mad at me if you read further and get mad at me.

Today's lesson: If your heart is your positive, your ego is your negative. Ying and yang. It never ceases to amaze me how much trouble egos cause. In fact, ego is tied for first with religion and the need for more natural resources as the cause of big trouble like wars and genocide, and it comes in first when it comes to divorce, addiction and embezzlement, among other human foibles. When your motives are out of whack - kill your ego. When you're feeling misplaced or out of sorts on your journey - kill your ego. Feeling sad, lonely, like life has let you down? Avoid the pharmacy and kill your ego instead. Unquenchable desire to smite your enemies? Yup. Obsessed with being right? Oh yeah. If you met the Buddha on the road would you kill him? Do you blame Jesus with a damnation every time something goes wrong? Seeing a pattern here?

But Oulsham, WTF? you say. What the hell is your problem? When last I heard you were doing fine. And now you're spewing crazy talk. Am I? Or am I so far out that you can't handle it? I am in a magnificent place and I'm just waiting for the oustide world to catch up. Lest anyone think that I, your favorite outhouse philosopher (as I have been called), am sending a message to anyone in particular you are thinking with your ego.

My job is to go out in the world and come back and report to you what I see. Have a nice day. Really, I mean it. Peace.

Two for Tuesday - John Adams

This is the best television I have seen in, maybe, forever. Now granted, I am a history nerd who's tastes run to History International, (I made my daughter watch a show about the Hitler Diary Frauds last weekend - no wonder she actually wants to grow up). Anyway, this is an Oulsham Movie Review, so stop distracting me.

The HBO mini-series "John Adams" is everything television could be but is too lazy to acheive. The writing, cinematography and set designs are all spectacular. Tom Hanks produced it and he should be given a great deal of praise. It jumps through David McCullough's book a little making it hard to follow on occasion, but the good far outweighs this minor bad.

In particular, Paul Giamatti is brilliant, believable and empathetic as John Adams, and Laura Linney is amazing as Abigail - a true American hero who gets too little respect.

The miniseries ends this Sunday and I will surely miss it when it's gone. If you haven't seen it yet, HBO is running all the episodes back-to-back on Sunday - I heartily recommend it.

Two For Tuesday - Dark Lady

So the other day I'm driving on one of the ridiculous roads around here that has a traffic light every 1/2 mile - all timed to make sure you stop every 1/2 mile. Big deal Oulsham, you say, stop your whining. No, and here's why: there was this beat up Ford Aerostar driving next to me with Florida plates. The driver was a female early-old-age bingo-type. She had the windows opened and was smoking a storm as she blasted Cher's "Dark Lady" at full volume. She was living the gypsy dream.

Here's the thing: I have to listen to Cher sing "Dark Lady" every half mile if I want to open my window and get some air? Is that fair? When I listen to really bad songs I at least turn the radio down at traffic lights, not so much to be polite but God forbid someone should catch me listening to "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" or "Fernando." I only keep the Kaiser Chiefs up loud at stop lights and I hardly listen to them.

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Barama (if you've been paying attention you know who that is) finally let his "let-them-eat-cake" mentality slip over the weekend. You see? It's not about race at all, it's about class. All the greatest abusers of class distinction in history played heavily to the lowly masses - the masses they despised - to attain power. Now you all have two people - Hillary and Barama - who are elitist in the extreme playing to the very people they wish didn't exist so they can spend your money. And you're all buying it! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.

Every Week Can Be Jackass Week

Well, the nominations are in, the votes are in, it's Friday. The Third Biennial Jackass Week is now over. I tossed and turned all night, trying to come up with a fair and definitive winner. Well I tossed and turned because it was hot last night; I just started thinking about the winner of Jackass Week a couple of minutes ago.

It's hard to come up with one winner, there are just too many jackasses in the world. So for the first time ever, we have a tie. A twenty-way tie.

So, without further delay, here are this edition's Jackasses:

1. Anyone who thinks the government needs to bail out homeowners for taking out dumb mortgages.
2. Anyone who thinks man caused global warming and can therefore correct it. When I was a kid greenhouse gases were going to freeze us all to death.
3. Anyone who watches TMZ.
4. Anyone with a tattoo above their ass. Fads come and go but tattoos only fade to blotchy blue.
5. Mets fans.
6. Anyone who thinks Barack Obama, a state senator two years ago, is more than a hack politician from Chicago.
7. Anyone who thinks Hillary Clinton is not a self-aggrandizing, win-at-all-costs hack politician from Chicago.
8. Anyone who thinks John McCain is a conservative.
9. My ex-wife.
10. Anyone who thinks organized religion is about God.
11. Anyone who voted for Jon Corzine.
12. Anyone who thinks they are important - in the long run we are all dead.
13. Anyone who thinks people can't actually see them for who they are - seriously, you're not fooling anybody.
14. Anyone who thinks camels should be in beauty contests and women should be covered up.
15. Anyone who thinks the previous statement is sexist.
16. Anyone who doesn't realize that any form of government is filled with incompetent, inept, bored, unmotivated hacks who are really just like everyone else except they have job security.
17. Anyone who doesn't fully understand the root causes of the American Revolution, American Civil War, Spanish-American War, World Wars I & II, the Korean and Vietnam Wars, and Gulf War I.
18. Anyone who doesn't think current military policy in Iraq needs to change.
19. Me.
20. Anyone who got insulted by anything on this list.

On behalf of the winners, I thank you.