My Day Off

It's June 7. This will be my fifth day off, and only my second complete (no cell phone, email, text message) day off since February 24. In the last two weeks I worked 160 hours. I am overwhelmed with things I want to do, but mostly I gotta get the lawn mowed in the back and then I think I will take a nap.

I just completed a gig with a major giant corporation whose name sounds similar to a bald television detective from the 1970s; I will be moving to another giant corporate gig in a few weeks if things go as planned. This gig I just completed was the most bizarre professional experience of my life and I'm not really sure that if I give you even bit details you will believe me so I won't waste our time. In the past 24 hours I handled employee complaints (that was a major part of the gig for me) about racism, sexism, coercive and abusive management dictates and more stuff that Charles Dickens made a career writing about, and all of it was acceptable within the corporate structure so I took my briefcase and laptop and went home.

The only thing I took from this whole thing was that I do actually have ethics and standards, so I have at least been refreshing to myself.

TWIR - Politics Week!

Frankly, I'm disappointed. This edition of Politics Week! was somewhat dull. Oh well. So here, to cap off Politics Week! are my five Rules of Politics.

1. Life, people, economies and peace are elastic. Government is not elastic. That is an inherent problem.
2. Full-time politicians are basically people who failed to make it in the real world - and you go ahead and hire them anyway.
3. It's not who you are, it's who you know.
4. It's not who you know, it's who you can convince.
5. It's not who you convince, it's who you alienate less.

Have a nice weekend.

Sheep Farts Rip Hole In Ozone

I heard a theory this morning that flatulent sheep in New Zealand caused the ozone hole in the Antarctic. Talk about blaming it on the dog. But seriously, I am happy to know that the evil Kiwis and their bilabial fricative sheep are the real enemy.

But Oulsham, you say, it's Politics Week! please focus. Ahhh, yes, sphincter whistling sheep and politics - there is a connection. Sheep crack rattles did not cause the hole in the ozone and either did the day after Cinco De Mayo. Ruminating, butt moosing sheep are not squeezing out enough rippers to do anything but make the occasional shepherd feel like skipping lunch.

Back before we were as smart as we are today, man didn't understand things like solar eclipses so he made up stories. See how it works? So the next time your dog flutterblasts don't worry about killing the planet, although, frankly, sometimes when one of my dogs donates a Hun Futza I feel like dying.

What Does Hillary Want?

Who cares.

Seriously. Why aren't people asking me what I want? I am far more valuable to this country than Hillary will ever be. For the most part I shut my mouth, go to work, pay taxes, call cops "Sir" even though most of them don't deserve it, keep my dogs from running loose and I recycle.

Here's what I want: I want Hillary to go away. I want Barama to get a clue. I want John McCain to fix that silly lisp of his. I want Right Wingers to stop being so simple minded and I want Left Wingers to stop being so simplistic. I want all of the people in New Jersey who constantly vote for the worst candidate possible to move to Staten Island. I want the people from Staten Island to stay the hell home. I want Congress to meet once a year for six weeks. I want the war in Iraq over - one way or another. I want the minimum voting age to be 35 and the minimum driving age to be 25. I want the minimum age to be a cop to be 27. I want mandatory driver testing every 17 years. I want off-shore oil drilling in New Jersey so Exxon-Mobil can pay some of my property taxes. I want a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch.

Thank you.

A Short Break From Politics Week!

An Alsatian walks into the Telegram sending office and waits at the counter. The assistant finally asks "Do you want something?" to which the dog replies "Yes. I want to send a telegram."

"Right oh," says the man and gets his pad and pencil out to jot down what the dog wants to send.

"Woof woof. Woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof...Woof," says the dog.

"Well," says the assistant "you can have 10 words for the price of 9 you know. Do you want to send another Woof?"

"Why would I do that?" asks the dog puzzled. "It wouldn't make any sense if I did that"

Politics Week! How We Should Teach Civics.

Today's edition will attempt to demostrate why we waste our time when we talk politics.

Of the 43 US Presidents, name 5 who have had a long-lasting, positive impact on your personal life. Okay, now name 5 governors currently serving in your state or neighboring states who are having a positive impact on your personal life right now. Okay, now name the members of your town council and describe their political beliefs. Now tell me who's fault the current state of our federal, state and local governments is. If you chose "ours" or "mine" you are correct.

You can probably name 5 presidents and governors who have had, or are having, a negative impact on your personal life, and while you can't speak authoratively about your local government, you can probably speak at length about Britney Spears' current mental state. So I have to ask you, who hired these people?

By the way, all politics is local. The closer the government body is to your daily life the greater its impact on your quality of life and your pocketbook.

Sound of face getting slapped. Pay attention!

Huzzah! It's Politics Week!

So people come up to me all the time and say, "Oulsham, what the hell is going on?" I tell them I have no idea. But that has nothing whatsoever to do with Politics Week!

First off for Politics Week! we need to establish some parameters. I am not a Republican. Personally, I think Republicans are for the most part buffoons. I am not a Democrat. Personally, I think most Democrats are brain damaged. That being said I have decided to no longer vote for any candidate that is part of this country's two-party political machine. You fool yourself if you think there is the slightest bit of difference between any of them. I lean toward Libertarianism, but frankly, the Libertarian party in this country can only find the most ridiculous candidates possible to run for any office on any level.

I hereby declare myself as an anarchist. "Oulsham!" you exclaim, "have you lost your mind?" Yes, but that has nothing to do with politics. Now, I'm not saying I am going to go around throwing Molotov Cocktails at the DMV, but what I am saying is our political system is broken - seriously broken. It will remain broken until the people who own it - that's you and me - actually get off of our intellectual asses and do something. And "do something" doesn't mean sending around lame, naive political jokes to everyone on your email list.

So, by not voting for the people I am expected to vote for by the people who are looking for my vote, I am saying, "you suck, and you are no different than the next candidate, so I am going to vote for someone who may be exactly as incompetent as you, but at least they have new ideas." Most people running for office will not understand what I have just said, but maybe if enough of you start to say it, we can once again have a government for and by the people.