Barack Has Pet Peeves

Today on the Today Show Barama was asked what his pet peeves were. He replied that the show wasn't long enough for him to enumerate them.

Very Presidential.

Do I really want all of you people to stick me with a president who has a Whine List that's too long for a three hour program? Seriously, get with it and vote for someone who will not make me crazy for four years.

Your Responsibility

Dear America,

I would like to remind you of probably your biggest single responsibility to society. I know you are busy texting and finding out what your BFFL's are doing and I know sometimes you forget. But, when you are first in line at a traffic light, it is your God-given responsibility to pay attention so as soon as the light turns green you are allowing the 27,000 of us behind you our fair opportunity to pass through the intersection legally. If you are delayed leaving upon the turning of the green, those of us behind you will never make it home in time to watch the last ten minutes of Seinfeld or the People's Court.

Now, I operate under the two second rule. If I am second in line, I take my responsibility equally seriously. I will count to "two" and then I will tap the horn politely. Upon another count of two, I am laying on the horn as if I am trying to drown out the incessant yapping of a person whose yapping I thought I had drowned out years ago.

At this point you will probably give me the finger. Well, that would just be stupid. You see, I am simply a messenger for all of the unfortunate slobs who are stuck behind you while you folly away our precious time. First of all, giving me the finger does not help speed our trip along (that's why I have blown my horn at you in the first place). Second of all, I am immune to having the finger given to me. It has been done to me so many times in my life that it's all just a big blur of middle-digit brouhahhaization and the only reason I have lowered myself to even pay attention to you is because you are in my way and you are impeding my flow.

Oh and driving real fast and switching lanes like a meth-addict in an Indiana biker bar will not obviate your obvious need to pay attention, it will just make you look even more foolish, especially when I pull up next to you at the next light. A light we would have made if only you had paid attention.

Your friend,
Oulsham

Success!

The music with the fireworks was a smashing success. Even though we had to play the 1812 Overture and the Stars and Stripes Forever twice, it still worked. Next year I think I need twice the mortars and some double and triple repeaters for extra-added oomph.

TWIR

Happy Independence Day. What exactly are you Independent from this year? Think about it and then think about how this day came about.

1. Mortars are the best aerials for the dollar.
2. Any kind of rocket that includes a stick, fins, or other plastic bits are no good because you have to spend the entire next morning picking up the trash from your neighbors' lawns.
3. Don't even bother buying firecrackers or those fake M-80 things. You can't get the real ones up here at all.
4. Roman candles under $16.99 should be avoided due to lameness.
5. Always have two lighters on hand so you have a backup or for lighting simultaneous displays.

Thanks for your attention.

I Love Mortars

So we drove out to PA tonight and got to the Sky King Mega-Super Store before I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. We drove home, got my wallet and went back. You can't buy fireworks without a DL and I wanted my fireworks.

We got home and shot off three mortars just because. We'll have 21x that tomorrow plus 300 or so missiles and Roman candles.

I'm also going to put my outside speakers out front and play the Boston Pops real loud during the display. Next year I'm thinking of hiring a pony and a popcorn vendor.

I Like Fireworks

Living here in the People's Republic of New Jersey, I am used to the myriad laws and regulations that have nothing to do with the will of the people. Mostly we live under the will of the Expert who tells us what is good and not so good for us.

Anyway, when I am in Pennsylvania tonight buying my supply of fireworks I will also pump my own gas. It's always a treat. Why I stayed in New Jersey I'll never know...

So tomorrow night I will be like the hundreds of other law-breakers in my one single town alone when I fire off our yearly display of mortars, roman candles, sky rockets, and other cool things.

How can a people respect a government that tells us what we can and can't do and then lets us do what we want anyway?

Racoons, Vultures and Clintons

So Bill and Hill are making nicey-nice with Barama. Three politicians trying to figure out where their next paychecks are coming from, so to speak. If I was Barama I would actually have a platform I'd be running on, no wait, wrong installment. If I was Barama I'd be running for the hills, as far away from the Clintons as I possibly could. However, Barama is Barama, and being the hack Chicago politician he is, he will likely embrace the Clintons and their support, which is akin to snuggling up to the horsehead in your bed.

Opportunistic scavengers, who rifle through our garbage and pick out the easy bits are nothing new to American politics, but with these three we now have the ultimate triumvurate.