Barack America At the Gap

I was in Manhattan yesterday for a little walking, shopping and a really, really bad dinner at a crappy joint on the corner of 48th and 7th. But it's my own fault for eating in a tourist area in the first place. Anyway, that's not why you're here.

I was amazed at the amount of Barack Obama merchandise I saw. The irony of the Socialist-Elect spawning so much old fashioned capitalism was not lost on me. There were tee-shirts, cool posters for three bucks on the A train up near 125th Street, and coffee mugs at a open-air market at 72nd and Broadway. I saw scarves and expensive looking leather coats, all emblazoned with the official Obama seal.

I have never experienced anything like this. My best friend in high school had Fonzie socks that his mother bought him that he wore because he didn't want to hurt his mom's feelings, and of course there was the late 80's Barbara Bush scuba attire that was all the rage, but I think it is probably a good thing on some level for a President to have his seal on a wool ski cap. I just don't know what that level is.

Possible Reasons For My Shunning At Enzo's Pizza

1. Enzo felt that a measly slice of Sicilian was not worth his effort on a Friday night, which is commonly referred to as "Pizza Night!" in many suburban households.

2. Gorilla My Dreams (aka She Who Shall Not Be Named) has escalated her campaign to further alienate me from all people of Italian descent.

3. Friendly factions in my own family, concerned about late night agita and the strange pizza-induced dreams (PID) I often suffer from, took prophylactic actions on my behalf by calling Enzo earlier in the day.

4. Concerned about the faltering economy, Enzo did not want to waste a perfectly good slice of Sicilian on someone who could stand to skip a meal. But that's his opinion.

5. Enzo is a jerk.

6. Enzo suffers from a severe case of Mussolini Complex, often exhibited in short men of his background.

7. Enzo has let the garlic fumes go to his head.

8. I did not say the secret password.

9. Enzo was offended by item 7 in yesterday's TWIR.

10. I did not kiss Enzo's ring.

This is most perplexing to me, as only items 2,5 and 6 make any sense.

Pizza For Dinner & A Curb Your Enthusiasm Moment

So tonight I was left to my own devices for dinner. I decided on a slice of pizza from the pizza place around the corner. We have been faithful customers of this place since it opened, and have dropped our fair share of coin there. Not that I'm a goombah, but they know me when I walk in.

Unusual for a Friday night at 6:00 PM, I walked in and the place was empty. Enzo, the owner and namesake greets me and I order a slice of Sicilian. Immediately, ten people come in to get their pies. About ten minutes later, all ten people have been taken care of and I ask Enzo how my slice is doing. My patience anymore astounds even me. More people were coming in and I wanted to get what I had coming to me.

Well, Enzo goes, "Yeah, that was a slice Sicilian..."

To which I replied, "You mean you didn't put the slice in yet?" I was mildly harumphy and I raised my hands in a sort of shrug to emphasis my building unhappiness about having just wasted ten minutes of my life for nothing.

Enzo looks up at me, and I swear this is completely true, and says, "Goodbye." Just like that annoying English woman from The Weakest Link, only with an Italian accent.

I was really mad and felt like arguing with the SOB, but I just left. I am, however, planning on ordering two Sicilian pies with mushrooms and onions and then calling back thirty minutes later to cancel, every Friday night for the next month.

TWIR - Post Election Edition

If you're feeling low today because the world is ending and all, just look at the Moose for a minute or so. You will feel better.

1. To all of you Republicans and "Conservatives" out there who are bemoaning the supposed Socialist leanings of President-Elect Barack America: What the hell do you think a $700 BILLION bailout is? How about a $700,000,000,000 bailout that no one is really sure how to spend $400,000,000,000 of?

2. Speaking of Barack America, what's with the "Office of the President-Elect?" What an arrogant thing to do.

3. Yesterday, I had something really good I wanted to put here, but I forgot what it was.

4. I predicted Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State back in August. I also predicted the market would recover after the election, so what the hell do I know?

5. If most people refrain from farting in public, why does hardly anyone refrain from blowing their nose in public, especially at a restaurant? You Leftists want to make laws? Make a law about that one.

6. In 1980 I was twenty-one years old. The economy was way worse than it is now. I mean, way worse. Inflation was around 16%. If you could get a mortgage the average rate was 21%. Unemployment was around 8%. Jobs were scarce, money was tight and everyone had "The Ayatollah Is An Assaholah" bumper stickers on their cars. Well I didn't, but other people did.

7. Ayatollah is in my spell check, but assaholah isn't. I should get an Italian spell check.

Have a nice weekend.

I'm Not Quite Feeling Like the Moose

The election is over and the economy will cease to exist next month, so let's get back to what's really important - things that annoy me.

Did you ever have one of those days where your mind and body aren't going the same speed? That's me today. After four hours fixing a problem that should have taken fifteen minutes, I dropped the unit I was working on which meant, well, it cost a lot of money.

Lindsay Lohan expressed her excitement over our first "colored" president yesterday. She failed to mention if she was still queer or not.

The Daily News is the worst newspaper in the world. The ink is cheap and the paper is inexpensive, so you can't turn the page easily which makes the ink rub off on your fingers. Plus, a little liberal wouldn't you say?

Today is Chinese Food Thursday. You should join me. I eat more Chinese food than most Chinese people, including the ones in China. The guy at the booth next to me blew his nose eleven times while I was eating. Real deep cleansing blows these were. Nice manners. Idiot.

This is almost like TWIR, except it is all happening in one day.

Yikes!

Either the hidden agenda is out, or these people are stupider than we thought.

Valerie Jarrett, of the Barack America transition team, appeared on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday and said that “given the daunting challenges that we face, it’s important that President-elect Obama is prepared to really take power and begin to rule [on] day one.”

Words do have meaning.

And Another Thing

Here's just a few more points and then I'll get back to making fun of people in restaurants.

1. If you voted for any incumbent last week, you are part of the problem. The political system in this country is wearing a pair of under-sized swimmies in a cesspool and not one office-holder at any level deserved to be returned to office. So stop bitching and blame yourself.

2. You cannot be a Christian, or believe in God, and be a racist. It is not possible, no matter what race you hate.

3. Right now right wing extremists are a bigger threat to our national recovery than any other splinter group.

4. For the most part, this is a conservative country, so the liberals you all just elected will only get so far.

5. Gold is off 25%, in 1980 dollars, of it's 1980 all-time high price. Unemployment is the highest it's been since 1994. I could go on and on, but the point is things are bad in a normal way. Barack America needs to step to the microphone and send some positive messages out to the American people - like Reagan did (in 1980). The road to recovery starts with confidence in the future.

6. The Saints are abysmal again this year. And now I have to put up with obnoxious Giants and Jets fans. Wonderful.