TWIR - WWBOD?

WARNING: This week's TWIR contains religious references which will most likely be offensive to somebody out there.

While I am driving, I often think "What Would Jesus Do?" This happens most often right after some moron pulls out in front of me and then makes a left turn two blocks up the road. One of the biggest differences between me and Jesus is I would use my supernatural powers to smite the offender, whereas Jesus would probably either ignore the offender or would flash his lights until the offender pulled over at which point He would get out of His Car and mildly point out the offender's offense in a manner that would be hard to ignore.

That got me to thinking about Barack Obama and what he would do. So after every TWIR item, just say to yourself, "What Would Barack Obama Do?"

1. The Governor of Illinois wants to sell your former Senate seat to the highest bidder. You understand Chicago politics but doubt the rest of the country does.

2. Car manufacturers are drowning in the stupidity of Big Labor and Dumb Management, both groups who donated heavily to your political machine.

3. Your favorite football team has the number one offense in the league, is fundamentally tremendously talented, yet can't win important games, especially the ones they play in Chicago.

4. You wanted to move into Blair House on January 2nd, thirteen days ahead of the traditional date President-elects move into Blair House. Your request has been denied so you might have to pay for your own housing an additional thirteen days.

5. You tie your right shoe because the lace is loose, but then the left shoe, which heretofore was not in need of a tying, starts to act up and gets all put out like it's been neglected. Sometimes the reverse of this happens. You try to ignore the now loose left shoe, but you're busy and, say maybe in a subway station and it's not a good time to stop and tie the other shoe.

Three People I Am Concerned About

At lunch yesterday I saw a guy with the worst rug on his head I have ever seen, anywhere, in all of my long years looking at people's hair. It was some kind of horrible synthetic hair that probably had warnings about getting too close to heat lamps and the roast beef bit at the local salad bar. It sat up high on this dude's head like a hawk and the only thing natural looking about it was, (I paused writing here for like 15 seconds while I contemplated my next word), nothing. Even the woman sitting with him gave me a knowing look as I walked by.

Here are my concerns:

1. Who told this guy he should wear this in public? Does he not own a mirror? Why does his family not respect him enough to be truthful?

The other two people I am concerned about:

2. Older women who drive around in cars loaded with garbage, clothes, newspapers, and McDonald's bags. You've seen them - their cars only have room for them and maybe some more junk. Someone please explain.

3. Even older women who take in like 75 dogs or 112 cats and then don't clean up after them. I don't think these people just decide to take in strays and then say, "Ah, what the hell, it's only a little dog crap." I am accepting explanations on this as well.

My Horoscope

Today someone I know will embarass themselves in public.

I quickly ran down the list of likely suspects, and quite frankly, there were a lot of them. So if you know me and you publicly embarrass yourself today, give me a call. The stars have determined that I must be there to interecede on your behalf and I am ready, but here are some things I will not help you with:

1. Public flatulence - you are on your own unless you have a dog nearby.
2. Forgetting to wear your clothes when you leave the house - that's a dream and I shouldn't be in your dreams.
3. Oatmeal on your blouse - pathetic, not so much embarassing.
4. Snorting when you laugh - seriously.
5. Making fun of someone who you don't realize is standing right behind you - don't get me involved.

TWIR - Pre-Christmas Edition

Without further adieu...

1. Animated Ginger Men are creepy in all cases. There are no exceptions.

2. There is a billboard on Route 9 in Howell Township with a wonderful likeness of the real Santa that says (and I am not making this up), "Santa is coming to town. Don't Hit Him. Drive Sober." Funny at first until you think of the thousands of little kids that pass that billboard everyday who will be screaming in abject horror.

3. The "Official Oulsham It's Okay To Wish Me A Merry Christmas" buttons are a huge hit among the tenured teacher crowd and thumb-in-the-eye free-thinkers everywhere. It's really been fun.

4. I am listening to "You're A Mean One Mister Grinch" as I write this. Meh.

5. I hope the recession doesn't cause Santa to bring me socks and underwear at the expense of stuff he could afford to buy me when the economy was good and his 401K was growing.

6. I filled my truck up for $25.55 yesterday. Woo-frickin'-hoo! The $175 I will save this month over the cost of filling it up this summer will more than come in handy this year.

7. If you're a grudge-holder or actively punishing someone who slighted you, how do you reconcile the celebration of the season? Spreading peace and glad-tidings are not greeting card concepts, they're real keys to happiness during our Earthly sojourns.

8. Go shopping. Be smart and responsible and buy with joy and the peace of knowing that you have people who will be happy with whatever you buy them.

It's going to snow tomorrow, just a little, but Merry Christmas.

Update: It's OK To Wish Me A Merry Christmas

The first batch of buttons are almost gone. I'm not shocked by the response, because quite frankly, these buttons are fan-frickin-tastic! You probably won't get one this Christmas season, but that will be your fault.

So far, no one has complained, which sort of bums me out because I have all these great arguments lined up about why the button can't hurt people. But I haven't gone shopping yet. High school students, college students, college faculty, high school teachers, regular working people, and I think some Communists even, have all embraced the button. Is it possible that regular people are OK with wishing people a Merry Christmas, but it's just the media that grabs onto a few annoying eggheads here and there so they can stir the pot a bit?

Once A Dragon Always A Dragon

The NY Football Giants have sold what legacy they claim to have about being a stand-up organization to a bunch of thugs and criminals just so they can win football games. The irony was not missed by me that on the same day Plaxico Burress kissed his good fortune goodbye, a man who worked for 50 years to shape the lives of young people retired.

To those of you in my area this will mean something personal. Warren Wolf, the only football coach the high school I went to ever had retired yesterday. I grew up in a football crazed town because of Coach Wolf. As a kid I went to every school sponsored football camp I could and I played for one year but quit because I was small, slow and disliked pain. But that doesn't mean I didn't learn.

I seriously disliked high school and almost everyone I encountered during it, especially people older than me. That was me more than them. I was not proud of anything except the Brick Dragons football program. As I grew away from my school years the one constant was always the Dragons and Warren Wolf, and that I was connected to them both just because I was an alumni.

Many years later I helped Coach Wolf put together the school's first on-field video system and I was impressed by his demeanor. He was really a likable guy. Coach Wolf went on to serve as mayor, freeholder and assemblyman and this is where I encountered the non-football Coach Wolf. As a member of his own political party I worked against him for mayor in 1992. There were a lot of reasons for this that had nothing to do with Wolf. Wolf was defeated and his political career pretty much ended then - at least in the public eye. I always felt a little dirty for working against him, especially when it turned out the people I was aligned with were as crooked and inept as they come. But that's politics.

But all during this, Coach Wolf was a gentleman and his even manner and affability overwhelmed the utter meanness he was up against. Years later, while I was running my publishing company we crossed paths again. He had written a book about another New Jersey coaching legend and I worked on a proposal to publish it. He remembered me from our political days together and I never heard back from him, but he was a complete gentleman even though I'm sure he felt he had reason not to be. He just let it drop and didn't do business with me, which I completely understand. I had an "I-told-you-so" coming to me, but he trusted me enough to have figured that out on my own.

I didn't play football for Coach Wolf, but I learned valuable lessons from him nevertheless and for that I am grateful to be a product of his high school and his town. I hope his retirement is long, healthy and peaceful, and if I see him in the stands at a Brick Township High School football game next year, I'll be sure to shake his hand and say "thank you."

Cyber Monday

"Merchants cross fingers for strong 'Cyber Monday' as retail figures show Black Friday weekend no big deal." So reads the headline on FOXNEWS.COM.

Idiots. Retail sales were up 7% on Friday over last year. In this economy that's really big news. Amazing news.

Depression peddlers and sensationalists should be boycotted.