I AM SUSPENDING JACKASS WEEK DUE TO EMERGENCY!

This episode of Jackass Week has been pre-empted due to a dire national emergency. I watched the debate last night and I'm stewed.

McCain is now announcing a $300,000,000,000 federal program to purchase bad mortgages to keep homeowners in their homes. Now, I will admit that this sucks for them, but between McCain's proposal and the $700,000,000,000 bailout that I guess is working because the Dow isn't worth zero yet, we will be spending 1,000,000,000,000 to correct bad decisions, greed and corruption. My truck has 135,000 miles on it and it won't be paid off until June. I am in negative equity on the truck. My hand is out and I am switching my weight between my feet and sighing impatiently but no one is coming to my rescue.

I cannot support any more stupid bailouts for every Tom, Dick and Harry that made a mistake. Whether the mistake was out of naivete, ignorance, hubris or criminal mentality, I will simply not support bailouts, especially based on the fact that the market seems to be immune from the bailout we just passed. Manipulating the value of real estate in this country through artificial mortgage holdings and value manipulation will make the 1970's and 1930's look like the 1980's in comparison.

This is a deal breaker for me, so as long as McCain supports this stupid election season stunt, I cannot vote for him. Yup, I'll press the lever for Barack America, that's how serious I am about this. Joe Biden said this morning that this program is already in the Bill that was passed, and as far as I've been able to find out, he is wrong. Here's a few other things Biden got wrong: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,433314,00.html The thing is, I am voting for President, not Veep, so as fun as it is to rock Biden's world, we're in some serious swamps here and the alligators are swimming in our direction.

You Might Be A Jackass If...

During the 1990's I would get a twitch either over my left eye or my right upper lip. Gorilla My Dreams was the root cause and luckily the twitch has been gone for a while now... until last night during the last quarter of the Saints - Vikings game. You think I'm a little too caught up in football this year? Let's get back to our Jackass Week Festivities.

You might be a jackass if...

you are Nancy Pelosi and you thought oil would never fall below $100 / barrel...ever and you wanted to save the world so you refused to allow Congress to vote on a critical bill that you agreed we need but were afraid would make your party look bad. By the way, light sweet is $87.80 / barrel as of this writing.

you get in a snit and stay there for obtuse amounts of time. Whether it's politics, work, sports or religion, seriously, have you ever met anyone is either 100% wrong or 100% right?

you look like you should be making pizzas in Belleville but you're missing field goals in the Superdome on a Monday night against a team you should have beat but you can't kick the freakin' football to save your life and your jersey number is #1 and this is the second time in three weeks you caused my team to lose a game it should've won but you are horrible and so is your pizza and your brother Mario Kart.

you are Barney Frank and you had a longstanding romantic relationship with anyone, ever, but most especially the chairman of Fannie Mae, a corporation your committee had oversight of, and you bark out loud with that silly Massachusetts accent of yours that you did nothing wrong.

you are Christopher Dodd (D-CT) and you are the Senate Finance Chairman and you took sub-sub-prime mortgages from Countrywide, and you are keeping such a low profile that we can only believe you are a thief.

you are Keith Olbermann and you demand extra security from JFK to midtown because you think right-wing extremists are going to kill you. Keith, the right-wing extremists are too busy eating the tassels on their loafers because they can't afford tofu.

you are Barack America and you consorted with people who openly wished death and destruction on citizens of this country because they didn't agree with them or whatever and you are not open and honest with us about those relationships.

I love Jackass Week.

Keith Olbermann, Thundering Velvet, Cookie Whoopse

And it begins, the second Biennial Jackass Week of 2008. I love Jackass Week. You love Jackass Week.

Today it's a toss-up between two deserving nominees and a person under consideration.

1. Keith Olbermann is the most obnoxious, unfunny, negative and annoying person on television today. If you like him I am afraid that you too are a Jackass. Mr. Olbermann does replays for NBC's Sunday Night Football pregame show. He has made the show unwatchable. He inserts his stupid political remarks into football replays which is the ultimate in Jackassery. He thinks being funny means aping Chris Berman from ESPN. The problem is, Berman is funny and original, whereas, doofus Olbermann is simply negative and simple-minded. His jokes are the epitome of stupid which is made worse because of his arrogance and pithiness. I no longer watch anything with him on it and you should agree with me. Olbermann is also dangerous because of his simple-mindedness. His take on the world is that Democrats are always right and everyone else is always wrong. He has too much power to be that simplistic. Don't believe me? Go to http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x2166226#2166235 to get an idea of what this guy is really all about. A few simple Google searches will also help.

2. People who name their child-rearing philosophies. I knew someone who called their particular style "Thundering Velvet." They were serious. I defy you to sit at a table with someone who is desribing in great detail and affectation the merits of Thundering Velvet without laughing or whoopsing your cookies. You can't do it. BTW, if you have a name for your parenting style, seriously, save your kids and put them up for adoption.

3. Speaking of Cookie Whoopse. I saw someone get thrown up on Saturday night and they acted like it was the worse thing that ever happened to anyone. Thanks for showing me all the places the whoopse landed.

I love Jackass Week. I sent this to Keith...I hope he likes Jackass Week too!

OJ's Quest Is Over - What Better Way To Start Jackass Week!

After 13 hours of deliberation, a Las Vegas jury found OJ Simpson guilty - 13 years to the day after a Los Angeles jury found him not guilty of killing two people. Because there's a bunch of felony counts like kidnapping in his conviction, OJ will have to spend a minimum of 15 years in prison. His case will be appealed on grounds the judge allowed testimony from the LA case, so we'll have to wait and see.

I guess the bad part is, OJ's quest to find Ron and Nichole's real killers is over. I know he had to be making some headway, and I'm sure his quest to get his football knickknacks back was just one part of his massive journey to do what the LA County DA's office could not do.

TWIR - Bosniacs, and O'Bidens

Wow, that was quite a week, I'll try to keep this light. In fact, this week was so grim and un-fun, I am declaring next week JACKASS WEEK!

1. Sarah did okay. A little contrived - like a politician - but good. Commentutards who were over the moon about her performance just show how foolish and partisan they are. New word: Comment-U-tard. Like a Celebutard only not quite.

2. Palin calling her opponents "Obama and O'Biden" was funny.

3. Joe did okay. Fast and loose with the truth - like a politician - but he was okay. Mainstream media commentutards who said it was a slight win for Biden just show how foolish and partisan they are.

4. Biden calling people from Bosnia "Bosniacs" was freakin' hysterical.

5. It's enough Tina Fey already, but yet I never got tired of Dana Carvey doing H.W. or Chevy Chase doing Ford.

6. No bailout Bill yet. No meltdown yet. Joe, the past is not always prologue. Maybe we should let Wall Street suck it's thumb and stamp it's feet all it wants, and then when it's tantrum is done maybe Wall Street should fix it's own mess.

7. McCain pulled out of Michigan yesterday. Have you ever been to Michigan? I have. Maybe Michigan should read Number 6 and insert "us" for "Wall Street." I know the grammar won't be proper, but I think you get the point.

8. Joe Biden said he hangs out "at Home Depot all the time." I was there yesterday. I bought light bulbs, salt for our water conditioner and an air filter. It cost me $98.06. I did not see Joe there. In fact, the place was empty.

9. Sarah, d'ya think that accent of yours is going to get on my nerves (wink) just a little? I do.

10. Go Phillies! And of course, Go Saints!

I'm going to a high school football game tonight, tomorrow I'm doing something and Sunday I'm watching football, even though the Saints aren't on until Monday. I think there'll be a fire in the fireplace Sunday night.

Tina Fey Is Funny And All, But Shouldn't We Really Be Looking Beyond What We Are Being Spoon Fed?

We're at a unique point in the history of Western Civilization. We (meaning "the West") know radical Islam wants us to bleed to death on the streets in front of our homes, yet we invite them in and accommodate their every demand. I guess we're naively hoping if we're nice... To make matters even more absurd, every year we send them an amount of money in excess of the money we are going to spend once to destroy the free-market system in our own country. This is done so we can buy something we have ourselves but we won't let ourselves get because nature is nice. Basically, we're too lazy to open our eyes to our own culpability.

Below is a stream of Geert Wilders' movie about radical Islam "Fitna." Geert is now under police protection from insulted Islamists in his homeland of The Netherlands. For those of you with a strong enough stomach and an attention span that can extend for 16 minutes, you should watch this movie. It probably won't be there for long; YouTube pulled it bowing to complaints and I'm sure Google will do the same. Granted the Old and New Testaments are filled with nasty little war-mongering bits just like the Quran, but there is a fundamental difference between the followers of both books. The former view those passages as their history while the latter view those passages as their calling from Allah.

Politically act on your response to this movie. Vote for the people who most closely represent your own fears, beliefs and demands. Make changes in your daily consumption to tell the free-market that you want things to change. Sitting around yelling at the TV and hitting "forward" on an email will not accomplish a thing.

Andy Rooney Wednesday

I don't have a cow suit, but if I did, you can bet I wouldn't urinate on my neighbor's porch and run around tormenting children in my neighborhood.

I wonder if the guys and girls in the Senate ever dress in cow suits and run around tormenting their junior partners in the House? I bet they do, but they keep it secret.

How about that moose in the Alcee Hastings story? He has a nice smile.

Last week we were told Congress had 72 hours to pass a bailout bill. That was 144 hours ago. So far, no bill and no meltdown. D'ya think Libertarians are right when they say the government only screws things up and really doesn't help? I think they are.

I like John McCain. He's old like I am but he has much better kept eyebrows than me.

Barack America's wife Cybil, or Cheryl, or Candy, or whatever her name is, I can't remember, seems to be smiling a lot more lately. Do you think someone told her to smile more? I do.

I saw George Bush Sr. and Geraldine Ferraro on TV this morning. They make a cute couple. D'ya remember how scared we all were in 1984 that Mondale would win and Ms. Ferraro would be next-in-line for the Big Job? I do. In fact, I am reminded of that today when I see Sarah Palin. The only difference is it's the Libs who are scared now. That's funny isn't it?

It occurs to me that Liberals are always telling us to conserve something. That conservation is good. But I've noticed that Liberals always dislike Conservatives. That's funny, to me.