In 2004 I resolved to drink more beer. I didn't. In fact, I really don't like beer all that much anymore. That was the first resolution I'd made in a long time and I haven't made one since.
A drunk lady in 1985 (or '86 depending on what time it was) told me, very drunkenly, not to be "a jerk for '86." I couldn't even keep her resolution, not that I tried all that much.
I never keep my New Years Resolutions, but I desperately want to be like other people so I can fit in at cocktail parties and awkward parking lot conversations, so I am going to make some resolutions for 2009. My plan is that since I can't keep my resolutions, things will work out for me.
1. I resolve to eat myself into oblivion. My goal weight by October is 335.
2. I resolve to not exercise. When I go to the mall, I will rent one of those little scooters. This will not only help keep my resolution, it will provide hours of fun terrorizing the masses.
3. I resolve not to be tolerant of morons. This is actually going to be a fairly easy one to keep, though.
4. I resolve to be a worse person than I already am, and I will make no attempt to reach my past goal of seeing the good in people.
5. I resolve not to "go green." In fact, it is my intention for 2009 to waste as many resources as I can so there's nothing left for those damned foreigners.
I'll keep you posted...
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