Friday, May 30, 2008


Tis but a Friday so let us review.

1. Barack Obama is truly more prone to malapropisms than Dan Quayle, yet no one seems to care. Interesting.
2. Gas is very expensive.
3. I ran the dryer for two days and I think the birds are gone.
4. Frank Lautenberg is running ads talking about all of the fights he is fighting (global warming, big oil, Bush Republicans). "He is an idiot." I thought, but then I realized he is brilliant because he is playing directly to his non-bright audience and they will vote for him because it's too hard to actually think about how stupid he and they are. Great.
5. I saw a bumper sticker that said "Frodo Won. Bush Has The Ring." Brilliant.

Have a nice weekend. I will be working so I hope it rains.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Saturday, May 24, 2008


I'm on a tear today, but have some fun and listen to Duffy's new album Rockferry. Even though the song "Mercy" was on Grey's Anatomy you shouldn't just discount it as infantile trash - it's a very good song, and she's got a really unique voice and delivery.

Frank Lautenberg Is An Ass - Vote Andrews

Yup. I said it. Someone had to. No bigger jerk resides in the US Senate and that includes Robert Byrd. He is proud of the things that squash growth while he fights for things that impede progress.

I actually know someone who voted for him because his friend works for him. Another person thought Lautenberg was progressive. Progressive in a Industrial Revolution sort of way. Anyway, WTF? Are you kidding me? Can I please be the only person who votes this November, because I don't trust any of you anymore.

Dear Democrats,

Please vote for Rob Andrews in the upcoming primary. Since the Democrat nominee will win here anyway because no one in this state cares enough about the future to vote with the future in mind, the least you can do for people like me who have no voice in government in this state is to vote for someone who isn't the biggest jack-ass on the ballot.

Your Friend,

Are You People Serious?

I am no Hillary Clinton fan, but there's no way a right-thinking person can deny the fact she is being treated unfairly. What exactly is it with the prevailing media? You have to ask what the agenda is.

Her comment on RFK's assassination was maybe a little clumsy, and maybe a little too raw for someone seeking to be president, but it certainly isn't bizarre. It was an historical reference that I understood upon hearing it for what it was. Now Barama's camp is suggesting part of her campaign strategy is to wait for Barama to get assassinated. Are you kidding me? Where the hell do we live, Ukraine? The preceding question was a presidential poisoning reference for those of you who don't pay attention.

So is it that we can't use the word "assassination" now? Seriously, I'd like someone to step forward and tell me exactly what was wrong with the reference she used. Not supposition, but fact based on her words and usage.

People, you need to start wondering about the information you get and how accurate it is, and you need to seriously start examining the presumed Democrat nominee for president. It seems he is as naive, ill-informed and petulant as your average suburban soccer mom and dad or twenty-five year-old know-it-all, and that scares the hell out of me.

Friday, May 23, 2008


Wow, it's Friday already? Yikes.

1. Okay listen people. Internet jokes. I don't mind them too much, but I really delete most of them without looking. Seriously, some of these jokes are as old as the Internet. Before you forward, check the expiration date.
2. Neither George Carlin or Ted Nugent wrote that "Bad American" piece. Seriously, please kill that one forever.
3. Have you changed your driving habits yet? Then don't complain about the price of gas. Sure you're not responsible for raising the price, but you are responsible for consuming a product you can't afford. Oulsham Rule #1: Do not complain about that which you allow.
4. Can you believe people are starting to feel sorry for Hillary? Why?
5. I might actually buy something David Cook releases.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

An Open Letter to Crows

Dear Crows,

The next time on garbage day that you dive into my garbage pails and it's raining like a friggin' monsoon can you please not make such a mess? I understand your not wanting to eat the egg shells and tea bags and dryer lint you left with the empty boxes and used napkins strewn about my street, but seriously, did you have to make that big of a mess? Now maybe if you'd had your picnic on a nice sunny day, thus not making my disgusting garbage even more disgusting by soaking it, I would not be so prone to want to shoot you all right now.

Don't talk to me about lids you idiot birds, you know you're more cunning than that.

Anyway, I hope that the animal next up on the food chain reads this and does me a solid. All of you rat bastards.

Your Former Friend,

Friday, May 16, 2008

My Ride Home Tonight

I encountered three a-holes, a rat bastard and two jerks. All in a twenty mile ride.


Yes, another week over, another week closer to, well, anyway, here's what happened this week.

1. Hillary kicked Barama's butt, but seriously, does it really matter?
2. Barama called a female reporter "sweetie" in a most condescending tone. He later apologized to her, but seriously, why is he the only person allowed to call women "sweetie?"
3. I got a bunch of cookies directly from Ukraine. My God they are sweet and I've been eating so many of them my pancreas is about to explode, yet still I eat...
4. It's probably wrong to refer to a group of mixed-sex people as "guys," but yet we all still do it.
5. Non-male humans pretty much get offended no matter what you call them, so it's best to just mumble something until you get their attention.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Bats In My Belfry, Birds In My Dryer Hose

So this idiot bird keeps on insisting she build her nest in my dryer hose. I keep running the dryer to blow her home away, but she keeps coming back. In a test of brains and will against a sparrow I'd like to think I'd be able to hold my own, but so far it's a draw.

Come Saturday I will have the problem solved. As soon as i figure out what exactly to do. My main plan right now is to buy a cat and make it live in the dryer hose, but the downfall of that is the hose will still be clogged.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Lap Belts For the Can

So this guy was on a JetBlue flight from California to New York last February. He got on as a standby passenger along with a flight attendant who was dead-heading. An hour or so into the flight the attendant decided the jump seat was too uncomfortable for her and that she wanted her seat back. The gate agent had given our poor guy the seat assuming the flight attendant would use the jump seat.

So the pilot tells the guy he can't use the jump seat because it is for "personnel only," and that our poor guy should go "hang out in the bathroom." That's where he spent the next three hours. After a while the plane hit some turbulence and the pilot ordered our guy back to his seat. At the end of the flight the pilot asked our hero if "everything was all right."

The guy is now suing the airline for $2,000,000. I am not a big fan of stupid lawsuits, but I have to tell you, I hope our guy wins and I hope he wins big. I know for a fact if I was on this flight and I saw this happen to someone I would most assuredly make fun of that person, so suing for the humiliation he suffered is exactly in line.

Fuel costs don't put airlines in trouble, avarice and arrogance do. I have flown way more than my share in my life and pretty much every negative thing you hear about airline personnel is true.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


Maybe there is something to this horoscope stuff after all. It's nice to have been around long enough to savor the small victories in life.

But seriously, Sue Simmons from WNBC in New York really let her co-anchor Chuck Scarborough have it the other night on live TV. She dropped the F-bomb on him in about the harshest tone possible. How long will she last?


Monday, May 12, 2008

This Is Not An Endorsement - Yet.

Bob Barr, former Georgia Congressman has just announced his intention to seek the Libertarian Party nomination for president. There are two problems with a Libertarian running for president this fall: 1) the Libertarian candidate will siphon votes from the Republican candidate; 2) no one takes Libertarians seriously.

For the first point, well, the downside to siphoned off votes is what? Barama or Hillary getting elected over John McCain? As if there's a difference. There are literally no differences between the three candidates. As for the second point, the stupidly pragmatic position to shy away from your convictions because not enough people think like you to get your candidate elected is absurdly naive and short-sighted.

So, for now, I am supporting Bob Barr for President in '08. I'm going to do some more reading and research before I decide for sure, but so far, I haven't disagreed with any of his positions and if the election were today I'd happily vote for him.

Friday, May 9, 2008


Horoscopically speaking Monday is the big day, but Tuesday is the big meeting. Please refer back if you haven't been paying attention.

Here is The Week In Review.

1. Seriously, Chinglish is awesome. Who knew you could wash delicates in cole-slaw?
2. Hillary Clinton is the living embodiment of vanity thy name is woman.
3. Barack Obama will very likely be serving his White House internship (where are you now Mitt?!) this time next year.
4. This season's Survivor proves my theory of why nuclear physicists don't hang out at the beach - it's too distracting to think straight.
5. I am listening to The Entertainer by Marvin Hamlisch at this exact second. I miss the days when any song had a chance to be a hit with any age group.
6. I have to mow the grass in back because one of our dogs is missing.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

The People Are Clamoring for More Chinglish!

Seriously, who doesn't love Chinglish? This next sample pretty much sums up my philosophy on life.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Enough With The Oil - It's Time For Chinglish!

Oh how I love Chinglish. And I love cole slaw too.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Peak Oil - The Perfect Storm

Dire predictions in the autumn of 2007 had economies suffering with sustained $120 / barrel prices in the 2010 to 2012 time frame. We are now at sustained $120 / barrel oil with $200 / barrel oil coming fast, probably in the next quarter. Experts last year were predicting peak-oil to be around 2015. New data proves peak-oil happened in 2006. That means world production is now on the down-side of the curve, and that is permanent. We'll continue to produce oil, it's just gonna cost more to do it.

Peak-oil as the downfall of modern civilization is a theory mostly put forward by leftists and globalists. So if they are wrong, expect a global collapse of oil prices, which might send a few futures and forex people off their roofs, but I'll be able to drive places again, so it's a wash.

I generally have faith in the market to correct itself because people like to live nice lives and so they'll do what is best for them, which in the long run helps everyone. But I have serious reservations that anyone is actually paying enough attention to what is happening. People need to get hit in the head with something before they put a helmet on. Gentle taps to the skull don't have the same effect. If people were paying attention, things would be changing as quickly as if someone had knocked down two iconic office towers in New York City. Oh wait, that happened already...

Crap, now I'm really nervous.

Monday, May 5, 2008

If You Pay Too Much For Gas - Read This.

People stop me on the street and say, Holy Crap, Oulsham, I am paying alot for gas. How about you? I tell them that I am also paying a lot for gas. Then they ask me why this is so and this I tell them:

Let's start with Hillary's stupid summer tax holiday. First of all we should all only pay one straight tax on consumption (flat tax). But the attorneys, congress-people and accountants dislike this idea. A summer gas tax holiday is an idea the village idiot might come up with. Barama says we should find alternative energy. Okay, dope, that will help me power my wheelchair in thirty years, (assuming my knees don't give out before then). Still, taxes are not the reason gas is expensive. Oil company windfall profits are also not the reason. Didn't any of you take economics in college?

Here is why we are paying so much for gas, and until we make fundamental changes in this country prices will continue to rise. In 1996, China imported 165.9 million barrels of oil. The US imported 3,469,128 million barrels. In 2006, China imported 1,064,600 barrels and the US imported 5,003,082. In ten years, while our consumption went up 30%, China's went up 84%. We're not even talking about India here.

The last oil refinery built in the US? 1976. In New Jersey alone our most-stupid Senator Frank Lautenberg is proud of the fact that he stopped off-shore oil exploration here. Lots of oil in Alaska but the college students won't let us go get it.

Should we be mad at China? Hell no. To the victors go the spoils. We should be mad at ourselves for being lazy, stupid, arrogant and mis-directed.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Mentos-Diet Coke Rockets

Anyone who has followed the Blog over the last five years knows that I am a big fan of stupid things. One of my most favorite stupid things is the Mentos-Diet Coke Rocket. This week's video gallery will help to initiate the uninitiated.

Official Oulsham Disclaimer: As you embark on your journey of Mentos-Diet Coke Rocket enlightenmment you will find videos of near-death and serious injury. I, Oulsham, in no way condone the making or viewing of such rockets and quite frankly if you make one of these things you do it of your own accord. No claiming Oulsham made you do it.

However, if you do decide to make one give me a call. I love these things.

Friday, May 2, 2008


I suggest we all impose a two week ban on watching the news. Negativity is viral. In the meantime, here's a recap of the big news of the week.

1. We're all going to lose our homes.
2. Kids will never go cruising again because their dad's won't have $75 for a night's tank of gas.
3. Global warming is so out of control that it's snowing in the Upper Midwest today.
4. Measles is coming back way stronger than any old Rebulla Umbrella can stave off.
5. The people running for President all think they can solve problems when the reality is none of the three of them have enough competency to get real jobs in the first place.

Now here's my suggestions for the coming week:

1. Have dessert.
2. Call up somebody who makes you laugh.
3. Listen to some music from like 30 years ago.
4. Take a walk with your SO or your dog if your SO is mad at you.
5. Go to work, do your job, avoid giving people the finger on the way home, and eat dinner with your family.

The news will be just as bad three weeks from now.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

The Greatest Lawsuit EVER

"My sister can't say she is a Lesbian. Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos," said Dimitris Lambrou. Dimitris (and I assume his sister), are natives of the Island of Lesbos in the Aegean Sea. Natives of the island have called themselves Lesbians for 2,500 years.

Now that they have lost their identity to the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece (I suppose in Greek it acronyms out to something catchy), the islanders are suing to get their name back. It's about time.

Now I can't wait for the 1890's Historical Society to sue to put the term "Gay" back into the Gay Nineties.

Oulsham Reads His Horoscope

Among the many myths I don't believe in or ascribe to, astrology is right up there. However, I was bored while eating my lunch so I looked my May horoscope up. It seems May 12 may be a big day for me. In the real world, on the professional front I am in a situation that is leading to big changes. If things go one way - huge for me. If things go the other - not so much. But according to my Saturn-Uranus-sextile-Mercury-retrograde-squaring sun, I'm in Schaefer City on May 12.

I would, if I were you, stayed tuned for the blog posting on May 13. I know I will! I can't wait to see what happens.