Friday, August 22, 2008

TWIR - Vacation Edition

Well, kids, I'll be on vacation until September 2.

1. The Olympics have been truly exciting to watch. Granted, the diving gets a little boring and I still don't get water polo, but I even found myself riveted to a badminton match. As usual the announcers got a little intrusive but for the most part they didn't exceed their expected levels on nincompoopery.

2. Yesterday at work a kid we fired went postal and threatened to kill me, the other manager and the new guy. He then ran through the parking lot like he was in some Chappell Show skit. As far as I know he spent last night in jail. I know somewhere in there there's something funny...

3. I hope Barama picks Joe Biden for his Veep. OMG, how funny will this fall be if we have Joe Biden in the news everyday? BTW, if he in fact picks Biden, I predict Barama will go down in history as the guy who was a worse presidential candidate than Michael Dukakis.

4. Did I mention that we're pretty sure this kid was serious?

5. Dear John McCain, Please pick either Bobby Jindall or Mitt Romney since you don't have the wisdom or the cajones to go after Steve Forbes or Michael Bloomberg.

6. We're leaving tonight at 11:00 PM. We will drive through with planned stops in Virginia, South Carolina and Georgia. Since I am driving with three women, I imagine we'll also stop in New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, North Carolina and Florida. We'll get to Orlando around 5:00 tomorrow afternoon. I will eat Pemmican and drink Mountain Dew and listen to Miles Davis, Sinatra and Coltrane. I would have made an odd trucker.

See you in September.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Gotta Love Those Jersey Girls

So I'm walking from my car to the store yesterday to buy my NY Post to read during lunch. I always read the NY Post at lunch, but that's not the point of the story. Ahead of me, maybe twenty feet away is a twenty-something female-type. She is on her cell phone. She is fighting with her boyfriend, loudly. I love when people are clueless about themselves and their surroundings. I did not slow down, but I could not help but listen because she was so loud.

Here, as best as I can remember, is her end of the conversation: "I don't [expletive deleted] care you [expletive deleted][expletive deleted]. No, I'm not the same person I was three months ago. I'm in a different [expletive deleted] place you [expletive deleted][expletive deleted] and I told you I am [expletive deleted] not going to [expletive deleted] put up with your [expletive deleted][expletive deleted][expletive deleted], you [expletive deleted]."

"Wow," I thought. I bought my paper and walked back outside. Now this lively young thing was talking to her girlfriend, recapping the whole sordid affair. Basically, from what I could gather from what she was telling Nichole was that Paul called back to apologize and that was when "[she] just [expletive deleted] felt the [expletive deleted] like letting the [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] have it."

I report this out of a sense of duty. It was obvious that Paul's (I guess) ex-girlfriend who is currently BFF's with Nichole felt her personal business needed to be heard by the world, and since I fancy myself a writer, well, I guess it's my cosmic responsibility...

Monday, August 18, 2008

Oulsham Is Just Like People From China?

So there's this Oreo Cookies commercial with a red-haired, low-melanined little girl. She is obviously American. She is sitting with her equally low-melanined American mom on a train. On the next train is a Chinese girl. She is probably from Los Angeles but the good folks at Oreo Cookies would like us to believe she is from China.

Lo and behold the ignorant, culturally challenged low-melanin American girl is shocked! Shocked I tells ya! To learn that this Chinese girl makes silly faces, breathes air, sits on trains, looks out windows and eats cookies too!

What is most fundamentally insulting about this commercial is the fact that there is a strata of our culture who believes that the rest of us would find it hard to believe that Chinese girls are not so different than girls who are not from China (or Los Angeles).

Things I am tired of:

1. Racial stereotypes in the guise of re-educating the masses about multi-cultural ism.
2. People who have spent their lives learning everything they know about cultural differences from television, movies and insulated college professors relentlessly teaching those of us who have lived our lives in the actual, multi-cultural world about the differences between people.
3. People who confuse race with culture and then open their mouths and allow their stupidity to dribble out.

Friday, August 15, 2008


This week's The Week In Review is brought to you by I'm Thinking Arby's Five For $5.95 Meal Deal.

1. When did volleyball become a sport for bad-asses? It won't be long before bikers and Allman Brothers fans throughout the country start streaming to volleyball matches. Seriously.

2. Yesterday I encountered the first full-blown heroin addict I'd been anywhere near in twenty-five years. He was so far gone he passed out standing up. It was incredibly sad on a number of different levels. Just pathetic and wasteful.

3. Hardball Chris Matthews is actually promo-ing his show by showing the hard-hitting questions he asked Barama. Interesting. Is there a sea change afoot? Barama looked none too happy, but hey, that's life in the big leagues.

4. Why do all the swimmers in the Olympics look so odd when they have their speedy little bathing caps on? Each one has the most peculiar moon-face, and then when they take the caps off, voila! they look normal. Might those caps be a bit too tight?

5. Speaking of oddness in the cranial area. I've said it before and I'll say it again, that thing on Bob Costas' head is fooling no one. Well, it might be fooling someone, but it's not fooling me. He's had the same boyish little bangs on his forehead for four years. I wish my actual head of hair could ever look the same from day-to-day.

6. Circuses scare me a little so I avoid them.

I have to work the entire weekend so I hope it rains. Have a nice week.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Oulsham Answers The Phone

WARNING: If you don't think about this or you are superstitious you will probably be offended.

After twelve different calls in two days from the same number:

Oulsham: (meanly) Hello.
Person On Other End: Is (insert name of SO here) there?
Oulsham: (meanly) Who is this?
POOE: Adrian.
Oulsham: (meanly) Adrian who?
POOE: From one of her charities.

Let it be known here that my SO counteracts me by being nice to small kitties, children and strangers on the telephone.

Oulsham: (snottily) What charity?
POOE: Children With Cancer.
Oulsham: (sarcastically) All children or specific children?
POOE: Is (insert name of SO here) there?
Oulsham: (wearily) Did you just call here five minutes ago?
POOE: Not me.
Oulsham: (meanly) You've called eleven times in two days and I have told you to stop calling here. So, stop calling here.
POOE: But it's for children with cancer.
Oulsham: (meanly) Write in your notes there that I asked you to stop calling here, even if it is for children with cancer.
POOE: You don't want to help children with cancer?
Oulsham: No, and I told my wife she's not allowed to help them either.
POOE: (click)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

John Edwards Is Better Than You Think

In the all-time winning rationalization of poor behavior, John Edwards actually said that he cheated on his wife "while her cancer was in remission." Nice.

I mean, seriously, what kind of guy do you think John Edwards is? The kind of guy that would cheat on his wife while her cancer was flaring up? Get out of here, man, not John Edwards!

The Olympics

The opening ceremonies were awe-inspiring, and I feel sorry for those of you who let your cynicism get in the way of enjoying a true spectacle. There certainly were a lot of people performing. I'll say.

I like that the French swimmer-dudes had to eat their words. Dopes. Really, seriously, why do we love it when we take it to the French?

Beach volleyball is the sport for me this time around, whether male or female.

Synchronized diving is beyond me, and quite frankly, the swimsuits the guys wear make me just a little uncomfortable. That's right I'm secure enough to admit when I'm a tad insecure.

The bike races through the mountains were fantastic, I think in large part because of the scenery.

Michael Phelps eats between 8,500 and 10,000 calories a day while he is training. Yikes.

Thank God for 1080i, because even if the sport is boring, the picture looks great.

Friday, August 8, 2008


This week's TWIR is commercial free.

1. I am happy that John McCain's camp is showing a little, shall we say, cajones. Barama has a glass jaw and if you hit him hard enough on it he will crumble. He doesn't take criticism very well.

2. Speaking of Barama being a big baby, ABC World News Tonight ran a promo for a story about "all of the constant attacks Barack Obama has been under." Really? I must have missed them.

3. When exactly the hell are the stinkin' Conventions? I love the conventions but if they're on against the Olympics or during my vacation, tough strudel.

4. BTW Barama, I would like you to show the statistics and the study that said if we all inflated our tires properly we would reduce oil consumption "four to five percent."

5. Speaking of inflating my tires. The rim that is currently on my right rear tire is a little bit bent. When it used to be on the front I put my truck air born out in the woods one day and landed a little hard. So now it leaks. I put air in it the other day but I still had to buy gas.

6. Jon Corzine thinks the Brett Favre trade is "good." I think Jon Corzine is "bad," but I'm ambivalent about the Favre trade.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Therapy Dogs For A Society In Deep Trouble

I heard a commercial on the radio yesterday that really freaked me out. The announcer explained that therapy dogs are now being used for college students to "ease the pain of being away from home." Are you kidding me? Going away to college is now a handicap? This all started when moms became their kids' BFFs, then we all bought mini-vans and drove our kids to their friends houses two blocks away, then we let doctors do our disciplining with Prozac, and now the little creeps can't go away to school without a therapy dog?

What happened to beer-pong, eating cold pizza for breakfast, skipping class for like a month and then making up lies to cover your horrible grades? These were all good learning experiences for later on in life.

Dear Whiney Bratty Little Pukes Who Can't Leave Mommy Without A Therapy Dog,

How 'bout this: go get a job pumping cesspools or cleaning bed pans. I would think a person would need a therapy dog for something like that - not for going away to college. Morons.

Your Former Friend,

Oulsham Learns A New Word.

Celebutard. It was new to me and I am enamored of it. I don't think it needs to be defined here, but watch for it to become part of the regular The Blog lexicon.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Paris' People Are Better Than Obama's or McCain's People

Alright, they keep pulling the Paris ad off Youtube and I'm tired of going around looking for it. There is a Keith Olberman cut available, but I refuse to infect The Blog with anything from Keith Olberman, because Keith Olberman is an unfunny, unself-aware, tool and I don't want people to think that I respect his "talent" in any way, shape, matter or form. In fact, if you enjoy Keith Olberman you will have to choose between him and The Blog, because The Blog is officially a Keith Olberman-free Zone and if you like him, you can't like The Blog and you are not allowed to associate with the people of The Blog because of your bad taste.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Let Them Eat Cake: Anne Milgram

Our esteemed state Attorney General Anne Milgram was issued a speeding ticket on Friday.

In a statement yesterday she apologized and said she "planned on paying the $176 fine."

Oh really. Well, that's mighty nice of you Ms. New Jersey Attorney General.

In case you're not getting my rant this morning, the very fact that the Attorney General of the State of New Jersey states she plans on paying a fine she owes leads me to believe that in her mind she feels there was an option not to pay it.

Monday, August 4, 2008

The World's Most Stupidest Person In The World Award

Long time readers will know that the reigning World's Most Stupidest Person In The World (WMSPITW) has been - until today - my oldest dog who won by eating through a windowsill and tearing down our curtains because there was a cat outside. That was four years ago. No one in that time has come close to wresting the award away from her. Even she who shall not be named.

Until today.

The undisputed World's Most Stupidest Person In The World (WMSPITW) is unarguably Nancy Pelosi. Forget that she won't allow the House to cast an up or down vote on off-shore oil drilling. That's politics and I understand she doesn't want her party to look bad voting against something that will most assuredly help the US economy in both the short- and long-terms. No, she wins the WMSPITW because she is claiming she didn't allow the vote because "we have to save the planet." Are you kidding me?

I'm sure Nancy is a nice lady who always had cupcakes ready for her kids' soccer fundraisers, but seriously, anyone who actually thinks the way she does is either exceptionally stupid or pompous in the extreme. Pompous because she thinks we will buy any old nonsense she spouts in her attempt to obfuscate the truth.

If any of you are buying this "save the planet" hokum, please don't admit you know me.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Addressing The Monkey With The Gun Issue

Okay, the people are up in arms. "Oulsham!" they exclaim, "a monkey with a gun, how irresponsible!"

Okay, well first of all, the gun is fake. And anyway, monkeys can be good shots too, so even if the gun was real, you would probably be safe. Does The Blog promote drive-through safaris full of monkeys with guns? Well actually, that would make the trip far more exciting, so yes, The Blog does promote monkeys with guns as long as they are confined to drive-through safaris.

Anyway, this monkey is in direct response to the overly happy monkey featured last week during Super Positivity Week and Happiness Parade, so he won't be around too much longer.

Cheeto Jesus

Has anyone ever found Mohammed in their tabouli? Buddha on a dumpling? A guy in California last week claimed to have seen Mary in a shower drain. Am I the only one who finds this stuff odd? I thought I saw Rocky Balboa on an English Muffin a few years back, but it turns out I was mistaken.

A woman in Missouri who probably has a driver's license and is registered to vote says she found Jesus in a bag of Cheetos last week. She was probably so excited her stretch pants curled right up into a prayer shawl as she ran to get her camera.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Take That Chinese Restaurant!

I eat a lot of Chinese food. I eat in the same Chinese restaurant frequently. Today I got there, NY Post in hand at 3:19 PM. I ordered sesame chicken. I like curry chicken the most, but I am sensitive to blowing people away with my stinky breath, so at lunch I stick to benign food types, and you should too.

Anyway, I ordered the lunch special and the wait-female told me I couldn't order that because lunch ended at 3:00 PM. Feeling that this was poor customer service and a shoddy way to treat a regular, and seeing how I was the only customer in the restaurant, I ordered a plate of white rice and a Diet Coke and sat for 40 minutes and read my paper, turning my potential $9.00 ticket into a $3.00 ticket. I wasn't that hungry anyway.

TWIR. Super Positivity Week & Happiness Parade

That wasn't so hard now was it. Kind of boring, but you have to admit it was uplifting in the manner of those overly religious happy people you meet who never seem to have a bad day and are always saying things like "great" and "golly" and "you're terrific."

I am declaring SPW&HP over NOW. Thank God.

1. I was in a meeting yesterday with a Big Kahuna and other Smallish Kahunas like myself. The Big Kahuna showed up late and was sweating. NBD say you, but, he had an off-the-shelf sport jacket on that didn't fit right. Because he was a BIG Kahuna his jacket needed to embrace him fully, which left his sleeves draping down to the knuckle on his thumb. Dude, go to a tailor. Regardless the size of the Kahuna, men, you must get your jackets tailored or people like me will not respect a thing you say. It's true.

2. The general public has body odor, coffee breath or an unfortunate combination of the two. I don't smell and I don't drink coffee. This separates me from the rest of the world apparently.

3. Don't be cowed into thinking the Republicans are playing the race card. As is typical with people like Barama, the only people mentioning race on the national stage are Barama's people. Might that be because they don't have anything else of substance to talk about so when they get their asses kicked in the fall they can cry foul? I think maybe.

4. I was talking with a guy this week who was from Long Island, or Staten Island, or Riker's Island, I'm not sure which. He kept pronouncing Barack's last name "Obomber." He wasn't doing it on purpose.

5. I am selling my motorcycle. I am sad about this, but I know three people who dropped their bikes in the past two months; each one required serious shoulder surgery. I have lost my nerve and that's pretty much a guarantee of road rash or worse.

6. I much prefer being around people who don't take themselves too seriously, know how to handle their liquor, are self-aware, listen mindfully instead of using the downtime to think of what they'll say next and have gotten their body odor under control.

7. Vacation in three weeks. We're driving. We're going to Florida. We like Disney World. We'll eat at Waffle Houses along the way. If gas is expensive we'll live. We leave at midnight because it's more fun to leave at midnight and drive through the night. We will insulate ourselves from the world using the mad sea of other vacationers as our buffering devices. Vacation is better than Christmas.

Have a nice weekend. I have to work on Saturday so I hope it rains.