Monday, June 30, 2008

Eat Lightning and Crap Thunder

So me and the offspring were flipping around the channels after watching Mr. Bean's Holiday and we came across Rocky. The original, good, Rocky. Hence the title of this installment.

Well the movie is going along just fine. My mental romance with Talia Shire gets rekindled and all-in-all we're having a good time. Apollo Creed comes into the ring on his George Washington float. Smokin' Joe Frazier comes into the ring to say hello. I do my awesome Howard Cosell announcing him, and then of course "Frazier's Down! Frazier's Down!" But I digress.

Then they cut to commercial - this was on the stupid Zoom Network - and that's it. Movie's over. They go to some lame interview of a Seinfeld producer and then on to the next movie.

What the hell is that?

Friday, June 27, 2008


In no particular order:

1. If Barack Obama is half-black and half-white, yet he describes himself as black without acknowledging his whiteness, does that mean he is a racist?
2. Does John McCain have any sense of government beyond waging war?
3. Thirty years ago tomorrow I graduated high school and I'm still figuring out who I want to be when I grow up. Thank God 65 is the new 41.
4. If you watch that show "Moment of Truth" you should look back into your childhood to see what went wrong with you.
5. I have stopped watching Conan in favor of Craig Ferguson. They're both stupid (which I like) but Ferguson is stupid in ways that are funnier to me.

Have a nice weekend.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

An Oulsham Refresher Course

People stop me on the street and say, "Oulsham, what do you mean?" This has made me realize we need a Blog Refresher.


1. SO - Person of otherly significance.
2. Barama - short-hand for Barack Obama.
3. WTF - I can't repeat this on a PG-13 rated Blog.
4. my ex-wife - Used as an example of not nice people everywhere.
5. TWIR - The Week In Review

1. This is a Blog written in the "Everyone Is Wrong" style.
2. Politically this Blog is not neutral, even though this is obviously the only Blog in the entire country with any political common-sense.
3. Libertarian in close-approximation, anarchistic in core-belief (although the Blog still hasn't reconciled to the property bit). Look it up.
4. Anti-religious but not atheistic by any means, this Blog believes that gold, land and God (not in that order) are the causes of all wars in history. Soon we will add "oil" to this fact.
5. A firm believer in adolescent humor, this Blog will not shy away from flatulence, bad hair, stupid people and cartoon lampoons.

You've gotten more than you paid for today, so go back to work.

Barack Bumper-sticker Mania

Seen last night on the car of someone who has the right to vote even though they haven't yet completed their civics curriculea at the local community college:

Three bumper stickers:

1. The Co-exist one with all of the religious symbols. Naive but cool in a dope-smoking intellectual way.
2. Obama 2008
3. The First Illegal Immigrants with a picture of a Pilgrim couple.

I rest my case.

To those of you having troulbe with this, I'll explain later.

There's Something About Barack

The more I listen to him and read about him, the more convinced I am that he will be a disaster as our next president. His avarice and ineptitude will be our downfall; I don't think he's dangerous in any of the ways the lunatic Right in this country is predicting, but he will be a disaster.

The last speech I heard he was riling up his audience talking about how his opposition will attack his inexperience (excellent attack point), his platform (so far non-existent - "change" is not a platform), and some other things he was whining about. But then, the coup de grace of stupidity. He said, imitating and mocking his opponents, "And 'oh yeah, he's black too.'" This drew thunderous applause from the ignoramuses in the audience.

Mr. Obama, because you are continuing to rely on your built-in, fail-safe "I-am-black-so-don't-criticize-me-or-you-are-a-racist" childish mantra, you have disqualified yourself as someone I can ever respect as a leader. When you grow up intellectually enough to succeed or fail on your own merits without racial pre-condition or making your failure my fault, I will listen to you.

Dear America,
When you all just get over race and decide to start progressing toward the future again, give me a call.
Your friend,

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Oulsham Vents For a Change

There's a few things we need to address.

First of all, I have this neighbor who owns a gas-powered RC car. It's the loudest, most whiney thing I've been subjected to since 1986. Anyway, I don't know what irks me more: the noise or the fact that all I've been able to achieve in life is living [in close proximity] to an adult male who stands in his driveway for up to two hours at a time with this vacant leer on his face as he drives his stupid toy car up and down his driveway.

But wait. I have another neighbor who has three dogs. She walks them without leashes and they take leaks and occasionally drop a deuce on my front lawn. She does let them roam on everyone else's lawn too. Well, no one had the nerve to complain, so now she lets the smallest dog run free throughout the neighborhood. Of course, now it stands in front of my house and barks this stupid little I-wish-you-would-die yap bark at me. She also walks down the street with the same insipid vacuous look on her face as the RC car guy.

I have an ongoing fantasy about running over either the car or the dog. "OULSHAM!" you're all exclaiming right now. Oh stop, like you wouldn't think the same thing. Puuleeeze. Anyway, I probably wouldn't run over the dog if given the chance but the car...the car. Oh how delightful it would be to just back out of the driveway one night and crush this stupid RC car thing under my back wheel. I would get the satisfaction of destroying it as well as the sheer delight of seeing this guy's face just contort into pangs of pain and sadness. Delightful like vanilla ice cream with butterscotch.

Although the location and certain details have been changed to protect the guilty, watch this week's Video of the Week to see what my life has become.

Monday, June 23, 2008

George Carlin

Sad news of his passing today at age 71. He said the things some of us thought but were too conformist to actually say out loud, and he spoke to and for a few generations of disaffected and disgruntled people. He will be missed. And NO! He did not write that internet email thing "I Am A Bad American" that has so unfortunately been attributed to him.

Friday, June 20, 2008


I was on vacation, but that doesn't mean we can't review the week.

1. I sold $1100 worth of furniture and pop-up campers we had laying around. My truck broke and cost $1252 to fix. Net loss = $152. Bastards.
2. That company that rhymes with that bald, 70s TV detective called and offered me another job. I was amazed. I've only had two acrimonious splits in my whole life: these guys and my ex-wife. Twenty-two years later and she's still pissed off while this big company is extending me an olive branch. Go figure.
3. I threw out all my thongs and I urge you to do the same.
4. I ate a tomato on Wednesday. It was awesome.
5. Go to to check progress.

Have a nice weekend.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Hit In The Eye With The Heart From My Thong

Okay, this didn't happen to me, but it did happen to this 52 year-old woman in Los Angeles last year. She was on my television this morning talking about the grievous eye injuries she received when the decorative heart from her thong snapped off and hit her in the eye. Now she is suing Victoria's Secret.

First off all, Victoria's Secret should be sued, but not for this. They should be sued for selling a thong to a 52 year-old woman in the first place. Seriously, I'm not trying to be mean here, but bad things start to happen to that area of any 52 year-old's body. People, you need to stop wearing thongs after 30. "But Oulsham," you say, "52 is the new 34, and I look great in my thong." No you don't. In fact, your arse looks 52 even if you feel 34. It's time to start wearing granny-pants.

But I have a question or two. Was the thong too small and the heart snapped off as the woman tried to wrestle herself into it? I mean, a 52 year-old who thinks she looks good in a thong probably has no idea that she's gone up a few sizes in the past 30 years. But the big question that comes to mind is, simply, why?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Tim Russert

The outpouring of affection and sadness at his sudden and unexpected passing is a testament to the power of enthusiasm and joy about one's work. Tim seemed to be the next-door neighbor everyone would love to have. A guy to share a beer and jaw over the fence about everything from sports to politics. He was able to transcend petty party politics and was able to achieve on a regular basis a discussion on American politics that very few people understand anymore.

This upcoming election season will surely be different without him, as will elections for years to come.

Monday, June 16, 2008

New Orleans vs. Cedar Rapids

Strip away all of the surface level stupidity and really examine the differences between Hurricane Katrina and the devastating floods in Iowa. Where is the outcry about federal incompetence? Where is FEMA? Where are the charges that George Bush hates corn farmers? Did I miss the mayor of Cedar Rapids on the radio this weekend telling the rest of the country to get off their asses and come help him? I think not. Will there be a giant benefit concert in New York to raise money for the people in Iowa? Will the dominant media devote hours and hours blaming this disaster on the Federal government while letting the local government off the hook? Where are the guns and the murders and the thousands of people getting totally screwed over by their government? Oh, they're out filling sandbags.

Don't think I am pointing to cultural or racial differences among the citizens of these two cities. That will just show how little you pay attention. This is about contrasting the political culture of the two cities affected by these two disasters.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Tim Russert

His passing is very sad, and his voice will be greatly missed.

Friday, June 13, 2008


This week's The Week In Review is sponsored by Massachusetts. There's so much to do in Massachusetts we have to run a new ad every day.

1. The single most excellent band you are not listening to is (are?) The Zutons.
2. I brought my truck to Jiffy Lube yesterday for an oil change and now it is going to cost me (them?) about $400 to repair the senser they screwed up.
3. I put too much dried-out wood in our chiminea last night and it was touch-and-go there for a few minutes.
4. You know people, air travel is not in the Bill of Rights, so why is it major news whenever an airline raises a price or adds a new fee? You don't have to fly. In fact, why don't you just stay home for a change?
5. I am selling some stuff on Craig's List and someone tried to scam me with a bogus $1000 Money Order. Cool. I feel so, I don't know, in the groove.

Have a nice weekend, except if you have to work, then I hope it rains.

Oulsham Solves More Problems

Problem #2. Please people, when you are going into a store or a building and there are two doors please use the door on the right instead of waiting like the dolt you are to squeeze throught the door on the left because it is open and you are lazy in the extreme.

How many times is there a bottleneck at the Wawa because we as a society cannot figure out something as simple as HOW TO ENTER A FREAKIN' BUILDING? Just open the door on your right and enter/exit the building. This is not difficult.

But Oulsham, you say, sometimes the door on my right is locked and it confuses me. I know. I know. Here's my plan of action in these instances: I wait for the unlocked door to be clear and I go through it.

And you people who scoot through the door, going in the wrong direction and then act all coy, mumbling fake apologies: well you shouldn't be allowed out in public. Idiots.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Is Barama Too Weak to be President?

As a former smoker who enjoyed every cigarette I smoked in the 17 years I smoked, I feel qualified to speak on this subject. As if feeling qualified ever stopped me from speaking out on things before. Anyway, if Barack Obama doesn't have the willpower to quit a habit he knows is going to kill him, why should I trust him to have the willpower to guide my country through some very difficult times?

I'm just sayin'...

Now For the Important Stuff

Okay. I have successfully debunked the Man-Made Global Warming myth. I have set America straight when it comes to politics and the economy. There can be no doubt that I have corrected our misperceptions about the oil industry. So now it is time for me to attack two of the biggest problems facing our nation today.

First: Nose blowing in restaurants or at the dinner table. I am shocked that I am even needed on this one. I love nothing more than sitting down at my favorite restaurant to enjoy a nice plate of Oysters Rockefeller only to have some cretin two tables over blow their nose. Listen to me, if eating makes your nose run, go to the friggin' restroom. I would hope if you had to cut one you'd get up and go so why do I have to listen to you launch snot bombs while I am eating? And then, to you people who leave your snot rags on the table after you are done, well, you should be electrocuted.

Tomorrow I will attack problem Number 2.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

How 'Bout That Heat?

Three things that are not funny:

1. The heat
2. Gas prices
3. Not being able to eat BLT sandwiches

One thing that is funny:

Monday, June 9, 2008

Management 101

Many years ago, when I got my first job being in charge of people, a man who had by then forgotten more about management than I will ever know gave me the best professional advice I have ever gotten.

Simply put, a good manager needs to be able to tell someone to go to Hell and have that person say 'thanks for sending me.' No emotion, no ego, just the plain facts.

A brilliant management strategy every manager should learn, but he also told me that when you are faced with someone who really, really, doesn't want to go to Hell, you need to send them there by force whether they like it or not.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

My Day Off

It's June 7. This will be my fifth day off, and only my second complete (no cell phone, email, text message) day off since February 24. In the last two weeks I worked 160 hours. I am overwhelmed with things I want to do, but mostly I gotta get the lawn mowed in the back and then I think I will take a nap.

I just completed a gig with a major giant corporation whose name sounds similar to a bald television detective from the 1970s; I will be moving to another giant corporate gig in a few weeks if things go as planned. This gig I just completed was the most bizarre professional experience of my life and I'm not really sure that if I give you even bit details you will believe me so I won't waste our time. In the past 24 hours I handled employee complaints (that was a major part of the gig for me) about racism, sexism, coercive and abusive management dictates and more stuff that Charles Dickens made a career writing about, and all of it was acceptable within the corporate structure so I took my briefcase and laptop and went home.

The only thing I took from this whole thing was that I do actually have ethics and standards, so I have at least been refreshing to myself.

Friday, June 6, 2008

TWIR - Politics Week!

Frankly, I'm disappointed. This edition of Politics Week! was somewhat dull. Oh well. So here, to cap off Politics Week! are my five Rules of Politics.

1. Life, people, economies and peace are elastic. Government is not elastic. That is an inherent problem.
2. Full-time politicians are basically people who failed to make it in the real world - and you go ahead and hire them anyway.
3. It's not who you are, it's who you know.
4. It's not who you know, it's who you can convince.
5. It's not who you convince, it's who you alienate less.

Have a nice weekend.

Sheep Farts Rip Hole In Ozone

I heard a theory this morning that flatulent sheep in New Zealand caused the ozone hole in the Antarctic. Talk about blaming it on the dog. But seriously, I am happy to know that the evil Kiwis and their bilabial fricative sheep are the real enemy.

But Oulsham, you say, it's Politics Week! please focus. Ahhh, yes, sphincter whistling sheep and politics - there is a connection. Sheep crack rattles did not cause the hole in the ozone and either did the day after Cinco De Mayo. Ruminating, butt moosing sheep are not squeezing out enough rippers to do anything but make the occasional shepherd feel like skipping lunch.

Back before we were as smart as we are today, man didn't understand things like solar eclipses so he made up stories. See how it works? So the next time your dog flutterblasts don't worry about killing the planet, although, frankly, sometimes when one of my dogs donates a Hun Futza I feel like dying.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

What Does Hillary Want?

Who cares.

Seriously. Why aren't people asking me what I want? I am far more valuable to this country than Hillary will ever be. For the most part I shut my mouth, go to work, pay taxes, call cops "Sir" even though most of them don't deserve it, keep my dogs from running loose and I recycle.

Here's what I want: I want Hillary to go away. I want Barama to get a clue. I want John McCain to fix that silly lisp of his. I want Right Wingers to stop being so simple minded and I want Left Wingers to stop being so simplistic. I want all of the people in New Jersey who constantly vote for the worst candidate possible to move to Staten Island. I want the people from Staten Island to stay the hell home. I want Congress to meet once a year for six weeks. I want the war in Iraq over - one way or another. I want the minimum voting age to be 35 and the minimum driving age to be 25. I want the minimum age to be a cop to be 27. I want mandatory driver testing every 17 years. I want off-shore oil drilling in New Jersey so Exxon-Mobil can pay some of my property taxes. I want a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch.

Thank you.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

A Short Break From Politics Week!

An Alsatian walks into the Telegram sending office and waits at the counter. The assistant finally asks "Do you want something?" to which the dog replies "Yes. I want to send a telegram."

"Right oh," says the man and gets his pad and pencil out to jot down what the dog wants to send.

"Woof woof. Woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof...Woof," says the dog.

"Well," says the assistant "you can have 10 words for the price of 9 you know. Do you want to send another Woof?"

"Why would I do that?" asks the dog puzzled. "It wouldn't make any sense if I did that"

Politics Week! How We Should Teach Civics.

Today's edition will attempt to demostrate why we waste our time when we talk politics.

Of the 43 US Presidents, name 5 who have had a long-lasting, positive impact on your personal life. Okay, now name 5 governors currently serving in your state or neighboring states who are having a positive impact on your personal life right now. Okay, now name the members of your town council and describe their political beliefs. Now tell me who's fault the current state of our federal, state and local governments is. If you chose "ours" or "mine" you are correct.

You can probably name 5 presidents and governors who have had, or are having, a negative impact on your personal life, and while you can't speak authoratively about your local government, you can probably speak at length about Britney Spears' current mental state. So I have to ask you, who hired these people?

By the way, all politics is local. The closer the government body is to your daily life the greater its impact on your quality of life and your pocketbook.

Sound of face getting slapped. Pay attention!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Huzzah! It's Politics Week!

So people come up to me all the time and say, "Oulsham, what the hell is going on?" I tell them I have no idea. But that has nothing whatsoever to do with Politics Week!

First off for Politics Week! we need to establish some parameters. I am not a Republican. Personally, I think Republicans are for the most part buffoons. I am not a Democrat. Personally, I think most Democrats are brain damaged. That being said I have decided to no longer vote for any candidate that is part of this country's two-party political machine. You fool yourself if you think there is the slightest bit of difference between any of them. I lean toward Libertarianism, but frankly, the Libertarian party in this country can only find the most ridiculous candidates possible to run for any office on any level.

I hereby declare myself as an anarchist. "Oulsham!" you exclaim, "have you lost your mind?" Yes, but that has nothing to do with politics. Now, I'm not saying I am going to go around throwing Molotov Cocktails at the DMV, but what I am saying is our political system is broken - seriously broken. It will remain broken until the people who own it - that's you and me - actually get off of our intellectual asses and do something. And "do something" doesn't mean sending around lame, naive political jokes to everyone on your email list.

So, by not voting for the people I am expected to vote for by the people who are looking for my vote, I am saying, "you suck, and you are no different than the next candidate, so I am going to vote for someone who may be exactly as incompetent as you, but at least they have new ideas." Most people running for office will not understand what I have just said, but maybe if enough of you start to say it, we can once again have a government for and by the people.