Thursday, July 31, 2008

Day 4 - Barama Solves The Energy Crisis

Well, more particularly, he has solved our short-term problem with expensive gas. He has told me to inflate my tires properly and get a tune-up. Holy crap! That is awesome!

Here I am thinking we need to to step-up drilling and refining while we worked on viable alternative fuels sources, and all I have to do is inflate my friggin' tires.

I love this positivity stuff.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Day Three - Golf and Some Barama For Good Measure

I am truly encouraged. I am truly feeling positive about the political temperament of this country. People are starting to catch on to the foolishness and hubris that is Obama. There is nothing new about him, there is nothing trustworthy about him and even the media is starting to see that. This is going to be a fun election season. Now if only we had a better alternative than John McCain. Stay positive Oulsham, stay positive.

Speaking of positive. I have been playing golf since, well, a really long time ago. And for the most part I stink. I either hit the ball really far and then five-putt, or I hit the ball into the woods and chip beautifully after taking a two-stroke penalty. I took the youngest Sham out three weeks ago for the first time. She has played exactly 18 holes of golf. Today, on the third hole she drove as far as I did but she didn't go into the woods, and then from forty yards out she sank her chip shot. Sank her chip shot. Not only have I never sank a chip shot from that far, I can't remember ever playing with someone who did. I can only chalk it up to the incredible coaching she has been receiving...

Elsewise I break the clubs over me knee and take up playing video games.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Day Two

They say that adults who find it funny to watch other people fall down probably suffered emotional trauma as children. Whatever. I've never examined it that closely, but I will tell you that I cannot help but laugh when I see people fall down.

This brings me to my new favorite summer program, Wipeout. One hour of watching people who have no business trying to do physical things bounce off of giant rubber balls into pools of mud is truly entertaining to me.

Who needs politics when you have Wipeout?

Monday, July 28, 2008

The Downturn Is Good

As a country we've been sort of on a six-year bender, spending money we don't have and generally acting like a bunch of ex-spouses rifling through someone else's money. Unfortunately, we were actually rifling through our own money (or money we had no right to rifle through in the first place).

A little frugality never hurt anyone, and maybe, just maybe, we'll all re-learn self-sufficiency and lose the societal sense of entitlement we've developed. It's as unattractive as that gut from too money Doritos.

Saturday, July 26, 2008


The Blog went through a lot of trouble to find the right videos to launch Super Positivity and Happiness Parade Week - so watch the damn things will you? Jeez.

1. Senator Robert Menendez (D-NJ) is attempting to block re-authorization of the E-Verify Program, which allows verification of a job applicant's Visa or immigration status. First you have to ask yourself why a sitting US Senator, sworn to uphold the US Constitution would do such a thing. Then you have to thank that Marie Antionette of NJ politics Jon Corzine for appointing this convicted corruption dude to represent me.

2. I am only 50% whiter than Barack Obama and I have Irish blood. I knew this Italian family that used to say mean things about the Irish, so I think I have the same racial make-up as Obama. But does racial make-up do anything to make me a better president? Think about this before you get your tighty-whiteys in a pinch.

3. I met a guy this week who asked me if I watched professional wrestling. I said no and asked him why. He said so I would know how good looking his wife is, because she looked like "those wrestling chicks." I'm sorry, I get an entirely different image than the one he intended (I think).

4. I urge John McCain to pick either Bobby Jindall or Mitt Romney for Veep, but he's going to pick that doofus from Pennsylvania. I hope Barama picks Hillary but he's going to pick a sitting governor.

5. John Edwards with a mistress and a love child caught by photographers at the Beverly Hilton? No. You're kidding me! That guy? He didn't seem sleazy at all.

Well that's it kids. For the next seven days, nothing but enthusiasm, positivity and the occasional happiness parade. Get your insulin vials ready. Even though I'm aggravated at like everybody in the entire world, I will perservere through Super Positivity Week & Happiness Parade for you - the people. The real me will be back in a week. I think. Unless this is the real me and I've been confused by exterior forces my whole life. Who the hell knows?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Barack Obama Is Black

Yesterday in Berlin, Barama started his speech in part by saying he "didn't look like the other Americans" who had come to that spot.

What did he mean?

Was he using a lame racial cliche and implying that all white people look the same?

Or was he reminding us that his platform and the main reason he feels he should be allowed to be president is because he is half-black? It seems when it is convenient, Barama has no problem playing the race card while we just sit back like a bunch of Yorkshire Terriers and bob our heads back and forth.

We are seriously lame and we should be embarassed not by our mono-linguistics but by the ease with which we slip into cults of personality.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Oulsham Is Better Than Barama

Last week your favorite presidential messiah chastised me for only speaking English, which annoyed me because I have traveled in Europe pretty extensively and I worked hard and was able to pick up enough German and French to get myself food, a taxi and hotel rooms. Today Barama was in Berlin giving a speech to people who can't vote for him but who will ultimately decide his foreign policy - Europeans, specifically, cranky, square-headed arrogant German Europeans. He gave his speech in English and even joked that he wouldn't dare embarrass himself by speaking German. This was obviously lost on everyone. What a pompous ass.

But seriously, you'll still vote for him anyway. But think about the theft he perpetrated today by ripping off that conservative icon Ronald Reagan building his speech around imagery of tearing down walls. He even stole from JFK a bit.

Don't you people care that this guy can't formulate his own agenda and rhetoric without stealing from others? What kind of change is this? Stupid change for change sake without changing a thing? I think so.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

NEXT WEEK: Super Positivity Week!

That's right kidlets, next week is the 8th Biennial Super Positivity Week. This year I've added a whole new feature - The Happiness Parade. So next week will officially be known as Super Positivity Week & Happiness Parade.

For all you newcomers, Super Positivity Week & Happiness Parade is all about being positive and recognizing the good things. The best part about Super Positivity Week & Happiness Parade is the week before and the week after when I have to purge myself of all the negative (and thereby interesting) things I have to say.

For starters:

There is some sort of ticket scandal I'm waiting to hear about involving Frank Lautenberg and Bruce Springsteen, two NJ residents who will never be mentioned during SPW&HP. I hope it's a real scandal and not some lame excuse for publicity.

Now all of the lame Giants fans in the world will be claiming Jeremy Shockey sucks and was never any good, as they burn his jerseys. Welcome to Nawlins Jeremy!

Stay tuned...

Monday, July 21, 2008

While I'm At It

The other day I thought of an old friend I haven't seen in longer than I care to admit. My mind is cloudy but it had something to do with a ZZ Top concert, his girlfriend and his girlfriend's sister. I was in 10th grade he was a senior, and I think I was put to work entertaining the boring sister so these two could go out. Well, there's more to the story than I am going to put in print, but suffice to say I got to drive his GTO part way home from Asbury Park. All-in-all a good night.

Well, today this guy asks me what my name is. And any time someone asks my name I assume only bad can come from it. Like certain unnamed persons trying to siphon more money out of me or maybe some guy I tailgated while he farted around in the left lane turned out to be a Howell cop. I mean, well...Not this time! It was this old friend. I know! It seems like maybe I'm making this all up.

But I'm not. I aged a bit better than he did, but he owns an ice cream store, so I guess it was a tie.

Barack In Iraq!


Oops. Sorry. Must've fallen asleep from the overwhelming stupidity.

Anyway, I had to deal with a guy today who had the biggest head I have ever seen on a regular person. He kept asking me questions and I kept almost laughing at the size of his head. Now my SO says it is wrong to think big heads are funny and besides I am too old for such tomfoolery, but, crikey, this dude's head was really big, so I have to disagree. He droned on for ten minutes while I stared at my shoes and bit my cheek. I thought I was back in church again. Everytime I'd look up, here was this giant head staring back at me. Finally he told me a story about how when he was a teenager he stuck a knife in a plugged in toaster, and well, that was it, I couldn't stop laughing. He then said, "Well, I guess it was kind of funny." You betcha.

Karmically speaking I am doomed now for someone to make fun of some odd bit of me I carry around, but that's just fine. It was worth it. I think it's kind of fun that I just talked about big ears and eyebrows (last week's TWIR) and then this gift is bestowed upon me. I live an incredibly charmed life.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Heat Index

It was so hot today I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

Saturday, July 19, 2008


To thank me for my hard work, Youtube research, and fabulously witty take on getting cut off on the freeway, the people often send me gifts. I like that. I deserve gifts. But tonight...tonight! My favorite gift of all...MORE CHINGLISH! Special thanks to DY somehwere near the Tragic Kingdom.

Sometimes I feel crippie too.

I actually know someone who probably shops there.

The secret is out. Now I know where I can send my recalcitrant dog number 2.

Even after it's fried? Nice.


To know me is to know I am probably the only geek in the world willing to admit what a giant fan of Kraftwerk I have been since I was knee high to a Volkswagen. I have been trying for a very long time to do with acoustic instruments what these guys did with sequencers.

"What are you on about?" you might be asking right now. Well, I have been cleaning my office this morning and I have played ManMachine and Autobahn as loud as possible for two hours straight. That can't be healthy or normal, but I do suggest you give it a try. Oh, and the full 22-minute version of Autobahn not the loser fake 11 minute version.

Thank you.

Friday, July 18, 2008


This week's TWIR is brought to you by Global Warming.

Barack Obama will probably get elected easily. Here are some ways he is exactly like his ardent worshippers:

1. He is brittle yet waffle-textured.
2. He takes himself far too seriously and has zero sense of humor.
3. He is whiney and embittered upon the slightest disagreement brought before him.
4. Lacking substance he is all about style, but style has no substance.
5. He has really, really huge ears that look really funny sticking out the side of his head, yet we, as a country are not allowed to make fun of them.

Now listen to me, when I see people with ultra-sized ears that could be used to harness wind energy, I make fun of them. I also make fun of people with unusual eyebrows. I mostly make fun of eyebrows because my problem with them is over-tweezing and poor mirror management.

Have a nice weekend.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Oulsham Is Tough On WIldlife

Tuesday I had an afternoon off and we took a ride to the ocean. On the way, a chickadee flew right in front of the truck but swerved at the last minute only to impale itself on my radio antenna. Not so fun.

Today I went golfing, (I did okay, thanks for asking), and afterward hit a bucket of balls to work on my 3 wood. I hit a sort of grounder (the reason I was there in the first place), that went about 100 yards before it struck a woodchuck right behind his head. But the woodchuck had obviously been hit before because all he did was stick his head up and look at me before going back to eating his lunch.

Jesse, Al, and Obama

I have been getting telegrams by the score urging me to comment on the latest Jesse Jackson 'N' word flap. Why should I? No one else in this country has the nerve to stand up and call Jesse Jackson what he really is - a charlatan bottom-feeder who leeches off the worst society has to offer in order to pay his rent - so we'll all just act indignant for a day or two because we think it's the right thing to do.

The most consistent person in the arena of fools currently charged with telling us what to think about race in this country is Al Sharpton. In spite of his stupid past he actually makes sense most of the time.

If Obama was truly a leader, he'd step up and tell everyone to simmer down a bit so we could have an intelligent dialogue on race, but he can't or won't do that so why bother paying attention to any of it.

Here's the deal - racism exists in this country. So does stupidity, ignorance, avarice, and arrogance. I have been witness to racism and affected directly by it, both white on black and black on white. We all have. The people currently in charge of race relations in this country have had forty years to fix it and all they've done is perpetuate it in the name of job security. When we all stop being so mentally lazy and we begin to ignore the fools, things will change.

Yanqui Go Home

People come up to me all the time and ask, "Oulsham, where did the term 'Yankee' come from?" Since it is tedious to answer the same question over-and-over again, I will answer it here for one final time. In the 17th century when the English wrested control of Manhattan from the Dutch, the Dutch inhabitants were subjugated to English rule. The English, acting very stuffy and English-like did not curry the favor of the way-cool, sandal wearing Dutch. A common taunt in 17th century Dutch vernacular was to call a pompous, foolish person "Jan Cheese." The English, being oblivious to the fact that the Dutch didn't like them thought "Jan Cheese" was simply a way the Dutch identified them. To the English ear "Jan Cheese" sounded like Yankees, and the rest is history.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Housewreckers

The cat is out of the bag and we're all psyched and proud of the two tracks that are up. People are coming up to me and saying "Oulsham, how can I get a copy of one of these songs for my iPod before the album comes out?"

Let me know and I'll send you one.

Saturday, July 12, 2008


This week's week in review is sponsored by Gosling's Black Seal Rum and Barritt's Bermuda Stone Ginger Beer - the Dark 'n' Stormy - Bermuda's National Drink. I'll have another please.

1. Thursday I had one of those nights people cursed with musical genes mostly only dream about. An epoch making event that defined a lot of what I have been trying to accomplish since I was still at home getting yelled at by my parents. The Housewreckers brought a new singer in to finish the album and I was completely and utterly floored and amazed by what this cat did in a three hour recording session. Go to sometime after Sunday morning to hear what I'm talking about.

2. You will hear a song called Annette Gave Me the Finger. This is a true story and my SO would like everyone to know that even though on occasion she does in fact give me the finger as I often act in accordance with deserving such a response, this song is not about her. It happened to me in the 7th Grade; Annette is her real name... but I don't hold a grudge or anything...

3. Sometimes I would just like to call the people up and ask one question: WTF? I can't do that because I'm very busy writing this blog and trying to keep my pool clean, but it crosses my mind.

4. Last night I was cruising along a road near my house doing about 8 MPH over the speed limit. It might have been a little more than that. Anyway, this old biddy on her cell phone pulled out in front of me in such a way that if the FAA were there and I was driving on a runway at JFK in NYC I would have made the news. At the next light I pulled up next to her and gave her my patented "Arse Look". She said, "What is your problem?" I said, "Didn't you see me?" And she said, and this takes the cake as the All-Time Most Asinine Remark Ever (ATMARE), "Didn't you see me?" Well yeah honey, I did see you pull out in front of me so that I almost caused my Chevy Equinox to become your evening suppository.

5. The Hothouse Flowers are way better than U2, but they're not Dublin's most popular band. Go buy a CD or two and you will call me and say, "Thanks, Oulsham."

6. BONUS. I pretty much doubt God will damn you to Hell if you read a book or two by Thich Nhat Hanh, regardless of your tradition, and who knows, maybe your life will get a little better with less drama and mis-directed energy in it.

Have a nice week.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Jesse Wants To Neuter Barama

He he he he he he he. Idiots.

Jesse Jackson says Barack "talks down to black people," Barama says a problem he is facing is that he is black.

But seriously, all of this stupidity is fine and to be expected, but what I really want to know is what is Barama going to do for the country - all of us, even the white among us. And boy oh boy am I really white this year. I've not had any quality tanning time at all.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Barack Has Pet Peeves

Today on the Today Show Barama was asked what his pet peeves were. He replied that the show wasn't long enough for him to enumerate them.

Very Presidential.

Do I really want all of you people to stick me with a president who has a Whine List that's too long for a three hour program? Seriously, get with it and vote for someone who will not make me crazy for four years.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Your Responsibility

Dear America,

I would like to remind you of probably your biggest single responsibility to society. I know you are busy texting and finding out what your BFFL's are doing and I know sometimes you forget. But, when you are first in line at a traffic light, it is your God-given responsibility to pay attention so as soon as the light turns green you are allowing the 27,000 of us behind you our fair opportunity to pass through the intersection legally. If you are delayed leaving upon the turning of the green, those of us behind you will never make it home in time to watch the last ten minutes of Seinfeld or the People's Court.

Now, I operate under the two second rule. If I am second in line, I take my responsibility equally seriously. I will count to "two" and then I will tap the horn politely. Upon another count of two, I am laying on the horn as if I am trying to drown out the incessant yapping of a person whose yapping I thought I had drowned out years ago.

At this point you will probably give me the finger. Well, that would just be stupid. You see, I am simply a messenger for all of the unfortunate slobs who are stuck behind you while you folly away our precious time. First of all, giving me the finger does not help speed our trip along (that's why I have blown my horn at you in the first place). Second of all, I am immune to having the finger given to me. It has been done to me so many times in my life that it's all just a big blur of middle-digit brouhahhaization and the only reason I have lowered myself to even pay attention to you is because you are in my way and you are impeding my flow.

Oh and driving real fast and switching lanes like a meth-addict in an Indiana biker bar will not obviate your obvious need to pay attention, it will just make you look even more foolish, especially when I pull up next to you at the next light. A light we would have made if only you had paid attention.

Your friend,

Saturday, July 5, 2008


The music with the fireworks was a smashing success. Even though we had to play the 1812 Overture and the Stars and Stripes Forever twice, it still worked. Next year I think I need twice the mortars and some double and triple repeaters for extra-added oomph.

Friday, July 4, 2008


Happy Independence Day. What exactly are you Independent from this year? Think about it and then think about how this day came about.

1. Mortars are the best aerials for the dollar.
2. Any kind of rocket that includes a stick, fins, or other plastic bits are no good because you have to spend the entire next morning picking up the trash from your neighbors' lawns.
3. Don't even bother buying firecrackers or those fake M-80 things. You can't get the real ones up here at all.
4. Roman candles under $16.99 should be avoided due to lameness.
5. Always have two lighters on hand so you have a backup or for lighting simultaneous displays.

Thanks for your attention.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I Love Mortars

So we drove out to PA tonight and got to the Sky King Mega-Super Store before I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. We drove home, got my wallet and went back. You can't buy fireworks without a DL and I wanted my fireworks.

We got home and shot off three mortars just because. We'll have 21x that tomorrow plus 300 or so missiles and Roman candles.

I'm also going to put my outside speakers out front and play the Boston Pops real loud during the display. Next year I'm thinking of hiring a pony and a popcorn vendor.

I Like Fireworks

Living here in the People's Republic of New Jersey, I am used to the myriad laws and regulations that have nothing to do with the will of the people. Mostly we live under the will of the Expert who tells us what is good and not so good for us.

Anyway, when I am in Pennsylvania tonight buying my supply of fireworks I will also pump my own gas. It's always a treat. Why I stayed in New Jersey I'll never know...

So tomorrow night I will be like the hundreds of other law-breakers in my one single town alone when I fire off our yearly display of mortars, roman candles, sky rockets, and other cool things.

How can a people respect a government that tells us what we can and can't do and then lets us do what we want anyway?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Racoons, Vultures and Clintons

So Bill and Hill are making nicey-nice with Barama. Three politicians trying to figure out where their next paychecks are coming from, so to speak. If I was Barama I would actually have a platform I'd be running on, no wait, wrong installment. If I was Barama I'd be running for the hills, as far away from the Clintons as I possibly could. However, Barama is Barama, and being the hack Chicago politician he is, he will likely embrace the Clintons and their support, which is akin to snuggling up to the horsehead in your bed.

Opportunistic scavengers, who rifle through our garbage and pick out the easy bits are nothing new to American politics, but with these three we now have the ultimate triumvurate.