Happy New Year

Dear All,

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter/summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that it is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.


Further Disclaimation: I lifted this part and parcel from an email I received from our office in Germany. It's more funny to me that it came from our friends in the EU. Where it originated I don't know.

Oulsham's Crystal Ball - Sarah Palin Won't Just See Russia From Her House

Dean of the Academy of Future Diplomats at the Russian Foreign Ministry, Igor Panarin, predicted several years ago that the United States would fall in 2010. He is now being interviewed two times a day for Russian television and print media.

Professor Panarin says that massive immigration, moral decline, and the fact that US foreign debt is based upon a "pyramid scheme" will lead to social unrest, civil war and unbreachable influence by foreign interests. This will begin to happen in the autumn of 2009, unless Barack Obama can "work miracles, but by spring he will find there are no miracles." To bolster his argument, he said some American eggheads in 1976 predicted the fall of the USSR in "ten to fifteen years" and Russian people laughed at them.

California and the west will become part of China. Texas and the south will become part of Mexico. Michigan and the north will become part of Canada. The east coast will become "Atlantic America" and will try to join the EU. Hawaii will become part of either Japan or China and Alaska will revert back to Russia, which was "part of the great Russian Empire in the past."

Some people in Russia are taking him seriously.

The Year In Review - Television

Television is horrible for the most part. We have 400+ channels of non-PPV TV, and mostly we watch reruns of Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond. However, there were a few bright spots:

1. The single greatest comedy show in the history of television is Curb Your Enthusiasm. I am hoping Santa brings me seasons 4 and 5 on DVD because as soon as all of this holiday nonsense is out of the way I'm going to finish watching seasons 2 and 3.

2. In spite of its all-Liberal-brain-deficient cast (I'm talking to you Laura Linney), John Adams was a superb, fairly faithful screen adaptation of the David McCullough book. Take some time and watch it then go read the book.

3. I love NFL Sunday Ticket on my DirectTV and Sundays this fall have been spent in the comfort of my living room watching my beloved New Orleans Saints have a typically mediocre season.

4. Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel are funnier than the worn out and boring Leno-Letterman-O'Brien triumvirate.

5. The Office is funny because I like stupid humor. 30 Rock is funny because I like intelligent humor.

6. We should all avoid watching the CSIs, ERs, Houses, and Law and Orders of the television world simply because bringing that much murder, depravity and sadness into our homes on a couple of times a week basis is not good for our spirits or our collective emotional balance.

The Year In Review - John McCain

Five reasons John McCain lost the election:

1. Acting like a cat on freshly waxed floor during the "financial meltdown."

2. Trying to beat a Socialist by acting like a Socialist will never work and that's what the McCain team thought was a good idea.

3. By age 73, adults, particularly one's who have spent 20+ years in the United States Senate, should have a clear and well-defined political philosophy and set of principles that they are not willing to stray from.

4. Sarah Palin, a political novice who leaned toward the corny side, was mishandled by unprincipled McCain campaign aides. Contrast her speech at the GOP convention with stump speeches made in late October.

5. Relying too heavily on the GOP Old Boy Philosophy. The GOP OBP is real and legitimate and found all the way down to the Ward level, it just never had a name before. Republicans truly believe that by paying their dues, towing the line and supporting the ticket, they earn the right to run for the office of their choosing. The Republicans re-elected Bill Clinton in 1996 by allowing Bob Dole to adhere to the GOP OBP.

The Year In Review - Music

Remember the important rule of The Year In Review, this has nothing to do with what we were told to watch, listen to or think this past year, this is my Year In Review.

1. Album of the Year - Carbon Leaf - Indian Summer. The more I listen to this the more I realize what a tremendous album this is.

2. Best Artists With Winter In Their Name - Surpassing Edgar who surpassed Johnny we have a tie for first place with Winterpills (hard to find but worth the effort) and Wintersleep (their song Weighty Ghost is Song of The Year).

3. Song Of The Year - Wintersleep - Weighty Ghost

4. Favorite Band With An Annoying Name - Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams. Don't let the name turn you off, this band is really good.

5. Artist of the Year - Mississippi John Hurt. Melodic blues that makes being a sharecropper sound like it might be okay. Oh, but the innuendo!

The Year in Review - Christmas Carols

1. The Creepiest Carol award goes to Dean Martin and "Baby, It's Cold Oustide." Runner-up is Dean Martin and "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer."

2. The Most Annoying Christmas Carol award goes to anything sung by Sarah McLachlan. Someone get this woman a Paxil.

3. The Greatest Christmas Album award goes to perennial favorite Phil Spector and his Christmas Album. Okay, seriously, he should really be winner of the Creepiest Carol award, but that album is awfully good. Runner-up is the first Harry Connick, Jr. album - the second just sort of seems profit motivated.

4. Best Christmas Carol For People My Age award goes to Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses or Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer by Elmo and Patsy.

5. People Who Should Be Banned From Recording Christmas Carols award goes to... We have a tie: Sarah McLachlan and those dogs that barked Jingle Bells.

6. Most Racist Christmas Carol award goes to White Christmas.

7. Best Christmas Carol That Actually Has Anything To Do With Christmas award goes to Silent Night. Runner up: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

8. 2008 Most Ubiquitous Christmas Carol award goes to Winter Wonderland setting an amazing record of 49 straight years as the winner of this award.

9. Christmas Carol I Did Not Hear Once This Year award goes to Do They Know It's Christmas? Which is not necessarily a bad thing.

10. Best Christmas Song Of All Time IMHO award goes to Father Christmas by Greg Lake.

Video Of The Week Message From Oulsham

My sincere apologies for the lack of updation on the Video Of The Week. To make up for my remissiveness, I have posted probably the funniest Santa video I have ever seen.

Oulsham Figures Out Why America Is Going To Hell In A Hand Basket

First of all, last night I referred to a Chinese restaurant we occasionally frequent (oxymoron) as "Fu Man Chu's" in front of a person of mixed Asian heritage. Non-plussed, this person replied, "I know the Mall like the back of my hand and I don't know where that is."

So, me and the SO are having a nice dinner at Fu Man Chu's. She the Chow Fun, me the Dan Dan. I ordered a Manhattan and then remembered halfway through it that I really don't like bourbon. I do however, like tequila.

But this is not the point of the story.

There was a foursome behind us (my viewpoint), two "adults" and two high-school aged persons of female descent. One of them (YL #1) was rather adept at chopsticks (I am better having had way more practice), but she was having fun picking up dumplings, ice cubes, her fork, etcetera. This caused the other young lady (YL #2) to pick up things with her chopsticks and hand them off. Now this is where I come in.

I commissioned a scientific study that proved dirt is only six days older than me. "Oulsham, freakin' A, you old SOB," you might be saying right now. Umm hmmmm. But, the "adults" (AH #1 & AH #2 - you figure it out) at this table were even older than me, or at least they didn't age as well as I did. So they get into the act, and now it is a laughing, talking loudly, free-for-all of chopstick passing, chopstick picking up straw wrappers, chopstick throwing ice cubes. I behaved like this when I was a teenager running loose on the streets of ennui-suburbia, but after like my 18th birthday I sort of calmed down.

Now there are half a dozen or seven tables staring at these cretins as they have their little chopstick party. People (up to and including me) are actually saying things out loud even, yet the morons keep chopsticking it up.

Women even older than I, and couples even younger than I, were staring incredulously, and annoyingly, at the fools and their chopsticks. When would it end I thought. YL #1 looked around and saw almost the entire restaurant staring at her and her foolish dinner companions and she turned bright red and the chopstickery ceased. The pater familias of the group looked around and then began using his inside voice again. Horse's ass thought I, out loud, but only out loud enough for my SO to hear.

The rest of dinner was pretty good.

Thank you.

TWIR - Unspecial Edition

Next week we begin the highly anticipated Year In Review. I can't wait to see what I think of everything that happened in 2008. I'm sure I will be amazed.

1. Last Saturday I suffered a near season-ending Christmas shopping injury as I threw my ever-precarious broken back out. The Ops Director where I work bought me one of those Lazy-Person-Squeeze-The-Trigger-And-Pick-Crap-Up-From-The-Floor Things (LPSTTAPCUFTFT). It was meant as a joke but I actually use it because I tend to drop things alot.

2. I can't wait for this Recession/Deflation/Depression thing to be over so we can get back to worrying about Global Warming and Britney Spears again instead of actually having to think about things like our future and our finances.

3. The "It's Okay to Wish Me A Merry Christmas" buttons were a smash hit. If we still are all celebrating Christmas next year I will make more buttons.

4. Wall-to-wall coverage last night of the Big Storm that hit us today. I have two words for the skeezlebutts on my television - It Rained. I wonder what else they get wrong on a regular basis.

5. Dean Martin is creepy. I think his creepy factor has increased post-death. Every time he sings that "Baby it's cold outside thing," or calls Rudolph "Rudy" I get those special chills reserved only for those of us who are in the know. If you don't know what I am talking about - don't ask.

6. I'm thinking of renaming The Blog "The Semi-Coherent Rantings of a Middle-Aged Malcontent" but I really hope I don't live until 98, because I can't imagine how crotchety I'll be at that age.

Too Bad The Band Was Too Loud For People To Hear Their Conversations

Last night was my yearly visit with the great unwashed masses. Last night was the Youngest Sham's Yearly Holiday Concert. Being the proud parents we are, me and the SO got seats in the center of the auditorium - perfect for viewing and listening. "This will be great," I said to myself as I sat down. "Yes it will, indeed," I replied.

Well it wasn't. The student musicians were excellent, but as usual the cretins I was forced to sit near haven't learned anything since last year.

Let's see...there was the woman who sat behind me. Listen lady, the point of whispering is NOT to whisper as loud as possible. Loud whispering is far more obnoxious than regular talking. Well, eventually, this moron's kid came on to play and she picked up the video camera and put it right in my ear. I could hear her breathing and the motor of the camera. Hey lady, how about helping me out and buying a digital camera and breathing into a plastic bag next time? Thank you.

Then there was the foursome a few seats away from her. First of all during a nice quiet handbell version of Winter Wonderland, one of them decides to hum along - loudly and out of key. Listen honey, that might go over in your living room, but out in the real world you've got to keep it down a bit, and you're way old enough to know that by now. When her grandkid finally came on, her daughter (I presume) proceeded to shout over the sound of the band as she pointed out to the humming oldster where their kid was at. This was accompanied by the parent / grandchild next to them who actually carried on a complete conversation about what their little monster was doing on stage during the last song of the evening.

The rest of the people in the auditorium seemed capable of behaving themselves, or maybe their prescriptions were recently renewed, so once again, I have concluded this is payback for some egregious thing I did to some old fart in a movie theater when I was a teenager.

A Rhombus of Corruption and Incompetence

I pay an enormous amount of property taxes. Way more than you do, unless you live next door to me, and if you do live next door to me, do me a favor and put your stupid little dog on a leash so it will stop crapping on my lawn.

I live in a county that has had the same Freeholders for twenty years. To those of you who live in normal states, Freeholders collect property taxes, make speeches and have something to do with the road department. The Freeholders in my county have a Public Affairs Department. On Monday my county's Public Affairs Department sent out a press release with the following items: wash your hands after you go to the bathroom (20% of us don't {and you know who you are [I added that part]}); Halloween can be scary for pets; and visit Ocean County, it is a nice place. The budget for the Public Affairs Department is $1.2 million a year. Neighboring Monmouth County, which has 100,000 more residents and a ton more McMansions owned by people who have now found out they're not as rich as they wanted their neighbors to think, has a Public Affairs Department with an annual budget of $362,000. Two of our illustrious Freeholders are Joe Vicari who has more government jobs than a Chicago ward chairman, and Jack Kelley, who seems to be unemployable outside the public sector. I pick on these two specifically because I campaigned for them in the early 1990's and I am insulted in the extreme that my time and talent went to elect such utter fools.

There is a county road by my house that has been the scene of three fatal accidents totaling eight fatalities in the past two years. The county claims it doesn't have the money to fix the road so they threw some signs up after fatality number eight in November.

If you voted for these arrogant cretins in the past fifteen years because they are Republican, and you are Republican, and Republicans stand for small government and fiscal responsibility, and Hooray For Republicans, you should be as ashamed of yourself as I am of them.

A Sense of Entitlement - Kennedy Style

Caroline Kennedy says she wants Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. She says she's qualified and ready. Okay, Little Miss Camelot, go out and campaign for it and earn it. Just because you are Caroline Kennedy doesn't entitle you to anything you haven't earned, oh wait, it's New York politics, of course it does.

On another note, one that will actually affect people, NY Governor David Patterson is going to raise in-state tuition costs $600 to cover New York's serious budget shortfall. He is also going to raise welfare stipends. Does anyone besides me get this? He's going to make it harder to become a productive, tax paying member of society and easier to become a non-productive societal leech.

How about, less Caroline Kennedy and more common sense and political backbone?

People I Would Like To Throw My Shoes At

I have never thrown my shoes at anyone. I did fling a flip-flop at one of our dogs once, but that was more or less part of a game of fetch. I have contemplated whipping my wing-tips from time-to-time, but I have never been so mad that I actually took them off and took aim.

In Middle-Eastern culture, throwing one's shoes at the object of one's contempt is considered the ultimate sign of, ummm, contempt. Also, putting your feet on your desk and showing someone the soles of your shoes is disrespectful. Eating with your left hand is extremely bad, and can get you jailed in some places still. Of course, if you know anything about Turkish-style toilets, you wouldn't eat with your left hand either.

There are like eight people I would like to throw my shoes at, but none of the eight would likely give them back, so after the satisfaction of boinking them on the head with my Nikes wore off, I would be left temporarily shoeless, which could prove problematic.

I do want to know what's going to happen if someone throws a shoe at Barack America. Will that person be labeled "racist?" Will the media be incredibly incensed, or will they, as the dope on NBC said this morning, be "sending a clear message to the President?" Will Rod Blagojevich toss his Timberlands at Rahm Emanuel? Will the guy in Iraq get his shoes back? And while we're talking about him, does he not know that it is always bad form to wear white socks with leather shoes?

Thank you.

And Another Thing

So let's say you work at KFC. And one of your co-workers, probably the one with the giant forehead and close-set, Blagojevich-type eyes, says, "Hey! After we close, what say we strip down to our underwear, climb in the sink we use to clean the pots and pans, and take baths together?"

Do you say, "Excellent! But let's have someone take pictures of us and then we can put them up on our MySpace page under the title "KFC Moments!"?

Okay, so far, fairly plausible. But then you go to your third co-worker, who not only thinks it's a great idea, but she decides to climb in the sink with you while another person takes pictures, and no one stops to say, "ewwwwww."

Now, I might be a little out of touch, and I am certainly not one to go all Puritan on anyone, but I have a question...

How horrible of a complete skank do you have to be to even come up with this idea, let alone follow through on it? I've heard of hair in my cole slaw but this is an outrage. And, having worked fast food as recently as thirty years ago, I can tell you those sinks are not somewhere I'm looking to take a bubble bath.

TWIR - WWBOD?

WARNING: This week's TWIR contains religious references which will most likely be offensive to somebody out there.

While I am driving, I often think "What Would Jesus Do?" This happens most often right after some moron pulls out in front of me and then makes a left turn two blocks up the road. One of the biggest differences between me and Jesus is I would use my supernatural powers to smite the offender, whereas Jesus would probably either ignore the offender or would flash his lights until the offender pulled over at which point He would get out of His Car and mildly point out the offender's offense in a manner that would be hard to ignore.

That got me to thinking about Barack Obama and what he would do. So after every TWIR item, just say to yourself, "What Would Barack Obama Do?"

1. The Governor of Illinois wants to sell your former Senate seat to the highest bidder. You understand Chicago politics but doubt the rest of the country does.

2. Car manufacturers are drowning in the stupidity of Big Labor and Dumb Management, both groups who donated heavily to your political machine.

3. Your favorite football team has the number one offense in the league, is fundamentally tremendously talented, yet can't win important games, especially the ones they play in Chicago.

4. You wanted to move into Blair House on January 2nd, thirteen days ahead of the traditional date President-elects move into Blair House. Your request has been denied so you might have to pay for your own housing an additional thirteen days.

5. You tie your right shoe because the lace is loose, but then the left shoe, which heretofore was not in need of a tying, starts to act up and gets all put out like it's been neglected. Sometimes the reverse of this happens. You try to ignore the now loose left shoe, but you're busy and, say maybe in a subway station and it's not a good time to stop and tie the other shoe.

Three People I Am Concerned About

At lunch yesterday I saw a guy with the worst rug on his head I have ever seen, anywhere, in all of my long years looking at people's hair. It was some kind of horrible synthetic hair that probably had warnings about getting too close to heat lamps and the roast beef bit at the local salad bar. It sat up high on this dude's head like a hawk and the only thing natural looking about it was, (I paused writing here for like 15 seconds while I contemplated my next word), nothing. Even the woman sitting with him gave me a knowing look as I walked by.

Here are my concerns:

1. Who told this guy he should wear this in public? Does he not own a mirror? Why does his family not respect him enough to be truthful?

The other two people I am concerned about:

2. Older women who drive around in cars loaded with garbage, clothes, newspapers, and McDonald's bags. You've seen them - their cars only have room for them and maybe some more junk. Someone please explain.

3. Even older women who take in like 75 dogs or 112 cats and then don't clean up after them. I don't think these people just decide to take in strays and then say, "Ah, what the hell, it's only a little dog crap." I am accepting explanations on this as well.

My Horoscope

Today someone I know will embarass themselves in public.

I quickly ran down the list of likely suspects, and quite frankly, there were a lot of them. So if you know me and you publicly embarrass yourself today, give me a call. The stars have determined that I must be there to interecede on your behalf and I am ready, but here are some things I will not help you with:

1. Public flatulence - you are on your own unless you have a dog nearby.
2. Forgetting to wear your clothes when you leave the house - that's a dream and I shouldn't be in your dreams.
3. Oatmeal on your blouse - pathetic, not so much embarassing.
4. Snorting when you laugh - seriously.
5. Making fun of someone who you don't realize is standing right behind you - don't get me involved.

TWIR - Pre-Christmas Edition

Without further adieu...

1. Animated Ginger Men are creepy in all cases. There are no exceptions.

2. There is a billboard on Route 9 in Howell Township with a wonderful likeness of the real Santa that says (and I am not making this up), "Santa is coming to town. Don't Hit Him. Drive Sober." Funny at first until you think of the thousands of little kids that pass that billboard everyday who will be screaming in abject horror.

3. The "Official Oulsham It's Okay To Wish Me A Merry Christmas" buttons are a huge hit among the tenured teacher crowd and thumb-in-the-eye free-thinkers everywhere. It's really been fun.

4. I am listening to "You're A Mean One Mister Grinch" as I write this. Meh.

5. I hope the recession doesn't cause Santa to bring me socks and underwear at the expense of stuff he could afford to buy me when the economy was good and his 401K was growing.

6. I filled my truck up for $25.55 yesterday. Woo-frickin'-hoo! The $175 I will save this month over the cost of filling it up this summer will more than come in handy this year.

7. If you're a grudge-holder or actively punishing someone who slighted you, how do you reconcile the celebration of the season? Spreading peace and glad-tidings are not greeting card concepts, they're real keys to happiness during our Earthly sojourns.

8. Go shopping. Be smart and responsible and buy with joy and the peace of knowing that you have people who will be happy with whatever you buy them.

It's going to snow tomorrow, just a little, but Merry Christmas.

Update: It's OK To Wish Me A Merry Christmas

The first batch of buttons are almost gone. I'm not shocked by the response, because quite frankly, these buttons are fan-frickin-tastic! You probably won't get one this Christmas season, but that will be your fault.

So far, no one has complained, which sort of bums me out because I have all these great arguments lined up about why the button can't hurt people. But I haven't gone shopping yet. High school students, college students, college faculty, high school teachers, regular working people, and I think some Communists even, have all embraced the button. Is it possible that regular people are OK with wishing people a Merry Christmas, but it's just the media that grabs onto a few annoying eggheads here and there so they can stir the pot a bit?

Once A Dragon Always A Dragon

The NY Football Giants have sold what legacy they claim to have about being a stand-up organization to a bunch of thugs and criminals just so they can win football games. The irony was not missed by me that on the same day Plaxico Burress kissed his good fortune goodbye, a man who worked for 50 years to shape the lives of young people retired.

To those of you in my area this will mean something personal. Warren Wolf, the only football coach the high school I went to ever had retired yesterday. I grew up in a football crazed town because of Coach Wolf. As a kid I went to every school sponsored football camp I could and I played for one year but quit because I was small, slow and disliked pain. But that doesn't mean I didn't learn.

I seriously disliked high school and almost everyone I encountered during it, especially people older than me. That was me more than them. I was not proud of anything except the Brick Dragons football program. As I grew away from my school years the one constant was always the Dragons and Warren Wolf, and that I was connected to them both just because I was an alumni.

Many years later I helped Coach Wolf put together the school's first on-field video system and I was impressed by his demeanor. He was really a likable guy. Coach Wolf went on to serve as mayor, freeholder and assemblyman and this is where I encountered the non-football Coach Wolf. As a member of his own political party I worked against him for mayor in 1992. There were a lot of reasons for this that had nothing to do with Wolf. Wolf was defeated and his political career pretty much ended then - at least in the public eye. I always felt a little dirty for working against him, especially when it turned out the people I was aligned with were as crooked and inept as they come. But that's politics.

But all during this, Coach Wolf was a gentleman and his even manner and affability overwhelmed the utter meanness he was up against. Years later, while I was running my publishing company we crossed paths again. He had written a book about another New Jersey coaching legend and I worked on a proposal to publish it. He remembered me from our political days together and I never heard back from him, but he was a complete gentleman even though I'm sure he felt he had reason not to be. He just let it drop and didn't do business with me, which I completely understand. I had an "I-told-you-so" coming to me, but he trusted me enough to have figured that out on my own.

I didn't play football for Coach Wolf, but I learned valuable lessons from him nevertheless and for that I am grateful to be a product of his high school and his town. I hope his retirement is long, healthy and peaceful, and if I see him in the stands at a Brick Township High School football game next year, I'll be sure to shake his hand and say "thank you."

Cyber Monday

"Merchants cross fingers for strong 'Cyber Monday' as retail figures show Black Friday weekend no big deal." So reads the headline on FOXNEWS.COM.

Idiots. Retail sales were up 7% on Friday over last year. In this economy that's really big news. Amazing news.

Depression peddlers and sensationalists should be boycotted.

A New Feature!

Not only am I spending my day off caring for you lot by making sure you can get your very own OOIOTWMAMCB but now I've added a new feature which will let you spread the Joy of Oulsham to your friends, chatroom buddies, work acquaintances and people who you want to bug.

Now, at the bottom of each blog entry is a little white envelope. Clicking the envelope allows you to share the madness with all of those aforementioned people on your email list.

Spread the Joy of Oulsham today!

I Want My It's OK To Wish Me A Merry Christmas Button! Now!

The Official Oulsham It's OK To Wish Me A Merry Christmas Button (OOIOTWMAMCB) will be hitting the Swamps of New Jersey Tuesday morning. Which means Wednesday will be the first time the world experiences someone telling them via a button that they will not get unnecessarily angry if someone dares to wish them glad Christmas tidings.

The people are saying, "What about us?"

Well, here's the step-by-step guide to acquiring your very own OOIOTWMAMCB ("button" for short):

1. Add up the total number of buttons you want.

2. Multiple that number by $1.00 which is the real cost on the OOIOTWMAMCB, including shipping.

3. Email the number of buttons you want, who you are, and the address of your domicile or place of shacking up, along with a short, (optional) message that might read something like this: "Oulsham, you are friggin' awesome, how 'bout one of them buttons?" The email address is: EmailOulsham@AOL.com.

4. You will then receive a personalized return email instructing you on where to send your $1.00 x (# of buttons).

5. Mail your $1.00 x (# of buttons) to the super-secret address you will receive. Cash is King, so unfortunately make your checks out to cash too. Look, this is a shoe-string, non-profit, half-assed organization with no real infrastructure, so this is the best I've got. The address has to be secret because, well, quite frankly, I think a lot of loonies read The Blog and I don't know if you're one of them.

6. A few days later, you will receive your button(s). Be sure to order extras to give to the people at the mall who will stop you and inquire about that snarky little button you're wearing.

7. UK, Ireland and Mexico readers add an additional $3.00 for Par Avion. I don't think there are any readers in Canada, but I plan on remedying that by writing about bacon and syrup a lot next year.

It's OK to wish me a Merry Christmas Update!

The Official It's Okay To Wish Me A Merry Christmas Buttons shipped from Minnesota today, so I'll have them here early next week. People have been flagging me down to ask me where these buttons came from - they are Official Oulsham Wear designed right here at Sham Central all for the good of mankind. Loads of people are already asking how to get them, so we'll make something happen Friday.

They actually came out of a conversation I had with my youngest daughter last Christmas about her school's silly rules regarding holiday wishes. I thought it would be fun to wear a button like this because it's not exhorting or proselytizing, it's basically just letting the world at large know what your personal boundaries are. The button did not exist, so in the spirit of good old rugged individualism and entreprenuership, I stole some clip art and the rest will soon be history.

Happy Thanksgiving

It's OK To Wish Me A Merry Christmas

Among the many things I hate about Christmas shopping, is the snarky "Happy Holidays," I get from every disinterested retail clerk I encounter. Well, bemoaning the fact that "Merry Christmas" has become a dangerous thing to say won't help put me in a better holiday state of mind.

Wearing the Official Oulsham It's OK To Wish Me A Merry Christmas Button (OOIOTWMEMCB) will! They're nifty little 2.25" round buttons. Red and green text on a white background with a festive holiday wreath, they're sure to attract attention and anger the politically correct crowd at your favorite mall or non-Christian bingo parlor.

These buttons will be available exclusively to readers of The Blog as soon as I figure out how to not go broke (and therefore really ruin Christmas at the Oulsham Ranch) doing it. Details on how to get your official OOIOTWNENCB should be out sometime before Christmas and most likely this week, probably. Maybe. We'll see.

Oulsham Saves The American Car Industry

Lately I have been having a crush on the Dodge Challenger - souped up edition - but I have been completely in love with the Dodge Charger. Thinking that someday I might trade in my trusty (Ford) pickup, I stopped at a lot yesterday to peek in the window and generally admire the orange (my favorite color) Challenger and the red (sexy!) Charger sitting there beckoning me with their steel-encased siren song.

Well, the sticker on the Challenger was $37,000 and the sticker on the Charger was $45,000. For that price I'd buy a low-end BMW.

You see, Detroit has got it wrong. You don't compete with the higher-quality imports that are stealing market share by just selling expensive cars. You compete by competing.

"How do you do that, Mr. Smarty-Pants Oulsham?" you might be saying right now.

Well, it's easy. Make cars people want (in my case the Charger), but pay your dues for making crappy cars for thirty-five years and sell them at a price point that sways the consumer. Then after you retake your market share you'll be able to raise your prices. Hmmmm, remind you of Toyota or Hyundai?

I really could care less if companies that can't compete go out of business, and I certainly don't feel like withdrawing $25 billion from my bank account to keep them alive so they can fail to compete.

But what the hell do I know?

Oulsham Does Not Have Chick Fingers

So I have to replace the kitchen faucet today. I actually had to replace it a long time ago, but whatever, it's getting done today. I had a question about something so I referred to my super handy-dandy Black & Decker Home Fix-It Guy Book Thing that has been with me on many a home repair.

Well, the guide is illustrated with nice clear pictures that easily answered my question. The book says the repair should take an hour, which is underscored by the hands of the model doing the repair. Very slender, beautifully manicured girl hands. Now the fact that they belong to a girl is not my issue, I think if more women replaced faucets less men would have to, but that's another entry. It's just that I work with my hands and they are completely gnarly looking. Beat up finger nails, little bits of cuts of scrapes everywhere, all kinds of icky man hand things. And I know after I finish with the faucet I'll have at least one more scraped knuckle or ripped cuticle.

What the editors of the book are saying to me is: "Look, you lame-o, this girl with these beautiful chick fingers did this faucet in an hour and here it is two hours later and you're still tightening the compression fitting on the hot water supply."

So what I would like to see is girl hands that are beat up like mine are, this way I will at least believe that the model is actually doing the repair work, thusly building my confidence to install that water purifier to the well tank I've been meaning to install...

TWIR - See You On The Soup Line Edition

Okay, seriously, everyone needs to step back, catch their breath, stop listening to Suzee Ormand and Jim Cramer and make sure you do everything in your power to make things around you work and then get on with it.

Yes, things are bad, but yes things have been worse - in recent memory, not 1932. I'm getting tired of beating the 1980 horse so I won't, but this is a recession of emotion and lack of leadership and it will end when we get over ourselves.

1. Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey while another turkey was being fed into a turkey grinder in the background. Has Governor Palin ever heard of framing a shot? She really needs to come out of the woods and into the mainstream a little.

2. Where is Barack America? I don't buy the Rush Limbaugh idiocy that he is staying silent in hopes things will get worse, but if he'd step up and start giving the markets confidence in his leadership things would start to turn.

3. George Bush is an idiot. Plain and simple. You are still President Mr. Bush, act like it.

4. Bailing out the auto industry is a mistake. These fools couldn't see the writing on the wall in June? Please. Loan them the money but make them consolidate. Make them get concessions from the unions. Make them be competitive in the world market or tell them to pack it in.

5. The auto industry is failing because of management and labor. Labor unions have ruined the economy of this country by making wages absurdly out of whack with real worth. Shame on everyone who relies on labor unions to insulate them from the realities of the world the rest of us face every day. When people were making $0.25 an hour and getting beaten - labors unions were necessary. Today, not so much.

6. Like a bath after a three day bender, the country needs this downturn so we can all get back to being responsible. Spend according to what you earn, earn what you spend, be thankful with what you've got and accept the sobering reality that life comes and goes in cycles. The party is over kids, but that doesn't mean we can never be happy again.

7. The funniest line I ever wrote was on Tuesday's meet and greet bit. I love when I crack myself up.

8. In spite of what the media oligarchy is telling you, be thankful this Thanksgiving.

9. At least Global Warming is taking a break while we all go broke.

10. Have a nice weekend.

A History of Fine Debunkery

Wow. This Anniversary Celebration sure is fun. Let's continue. How about a list of things The Blog has successfully debunked over the past six years.

Man-Made Global Warming: Despite what the morons on the Today Show would have you believe, the sun is in charge of the warmth (or coolth) of the planet. If you believe otherwise, you are seriously disconnected from your place and importance in the world.

The $700 Billion Bailout: Remember in September when "they" said that if the bailout wasn't passed immediately we were all going to be standing in soup lines? Not only haven't they spent it yet, they don't know where to spend $400 Billion of it! You, the Great American Noodnik were duped again.

Jon Corzine: I put little effort into debunking Jon Corzine, he did it all by himself with his utter inability to lead, follow, or get out of the way. By the way, Jon is on the TV all the time and he only has one suit. That blue mafia pinstripe thing. I can't wait until he goes to Washington and leaves us alone.

The Federal Government: This is a collection of people who couldn't make it in the private sector so they went to Washington to destroy it as revenge. Name three successful or good things the Feds have done in the last twenty years. You can't. If you say "the prescription drug plan" you are a Socialist and you deserve what the government gives you.

Here's a list of truths you can't argue with:

1. The people who expect the government to clean them up when they go potty are the same people who drive the speed limit in the left lane.

2. Parents who make their kids watch DVDs in the backs of the family SUV when traveling or going to the Shop-Rite are raising nincompoops who will not have an original thought beyond cool and exciting new Spongebob episodes.

3. If you stop watching the news tonight the world will not end and just maybe your addiction to Zantac will be lessened. That goes quadruple for talk radio.

4. Mind your personal economy - that's the only economy that matters. Assume the worst will happen and be prepared for it. Remember, the economy is BIG and it expands and recedes like an ocean tide. There is no stopping it, especially in a global economy, that's why you need to mind your own p's and q's.

Meet Oulsham

People come up to me all the time and ask, "What the hell are you thinking?" Sometimes they'll stop me and say, "Hey! What's the Big Idea?" Well, as part of our long-anticipated Anniversary Week Celebrations, I will shed a little light on that enigma Oulsham.

Name: Oulsham
Sign: Sagittarius
Age: Medium to Well Done
Sex: 33% man, 33% boy, 33% dude, 1% fella
Height: In between Mickey Rooney and Bela Lugosi
Weight: In between Bela Lugosi and the Sultan of Brunei
Hair Color: I dye it grey to match my beard
Favorite Flannel Shirt: The one I am wearing right now

Likes: Chinese food, Curb Your Enthusiasm, bratwurst, driving fast, small to non-existent government, vacuum tube audio amplifiers, Christmas, writing in my Blog, people who are self-aware, airplanes, people with good comic timing who don't try to be funny they just are funny, nachos, football, old dogs, rum, pretzels, New Jersey, the ocean, Ringo Starr, snow during football, Irish music, guys who dye what little hair they have really dark like a shoe shine and then go out in public.

Dislikes: Indian food, emotional men, women who wear their pants too low, traffic, liberals, really sharp cheddar cheese, cats, birds that don't talk, people who use emotional bribery to get what they want, spinach, broccoli, under-cooked greenbeans, the constant pain in my left knee which is caused by something stupid I did in 1976, stuffed grape leaves, being seasick, sweatpants in public, mopeds, Ann Curry, Sean Penn, Jon Corzine, the Atlanta Falcons, people with a sense of entitlement, sad sacks, Enzo's Pizza, Pedro's South of the Border, James Carville, tornadoes, men who wear Speedos, any dog under twenty pounds, shrimp, dry skin, splinters, the flu.

Happy Anniversary!

Six years ago this weekend the first Blog was posted. Unfortunately, many wonderful tidbits of wisdom and wit have been deleted along the way, but we can still spend this week looking back over six years of Media Bashing, Books, Music, Politics, Incredulity and More!

This week we ignore the rest of the world and we celebrate six years of utter tomfoolery and time wasting mixed in with a little outhouse philosophy (as one early hate/fan email from Charleston, WV, described it).

Barack America At the Gap

I was in Manhattan yesterday for a little walking, shopping and a really, really bad dinner at a crappy joint on the corner of 48th and 7th. But it's my own fault for eating in a tourist area in the first place. Anyway, that's not why you're here.

I was amazed at the amount of Barack Obama merchandise I saw. The irony of the Socialist-Elect spawning so much old fashioned capitalism was not lost on me. There were tee-shirts, cool posters for three bucks on the A train up near 125th Street, and coffee mugs at a open-air market at 72nd and Broadway. I saw scarves and expensive looking leather coats, all emblazoned with the official Obama seal.

I have never experienced anything like this. My best friend in high school had Fonzie socks that his mother bought him that he wore because he didn't want to hurt his mom's feelings, and of course there was the late 80's Barbara Bush scuba attire that was all the rage, but I think it is probably a good thing on some level for a President to have his seal on a wool ski cap. I just don't know what that level is.

Possible Reasons For My Shunning At Enzo's Pizza

1. Enzo felt that a measly slice of Sicilian was not worth his effort on a Friday night, which is commonly referred to as "Pizza Night!" in many suburban households.

2. Gorilla My Dreams (aka She Who Shall Not Be Named) has escalated her campaign to further alienate me from all people of Italian descent.

3. Friendly factions in my own family, concerned about late night agita and the strange pizza-induced dreams (PID) I often suffer from, took prophylactic actions on my behalf by calling Enzo earlier in the day.

4. Concerned about the faltering economy, Enzo did not want to waste a perfectly good slice of Sicilian on someone who could stand to skip a meal. But that's his opinion.

5. Enzo is a jerk.

6. Enzo suffers from a severe case of Mussolini Complex, often exhibited in short men of his background.

7. Enzo has let the garlic fumes go to his head.

8. I did not say the secret password.

9. Enzo was offended by item 7 in yesterday's TWIR.

10. I did not kiss Enzo's ring.

This is most perplexing to me, as only items 2,5 and 6 make any sense.

Pizza For Dinner & A Curb Your Enthusiasm Moment

So tonight I was left to my own devices for dinner. I decided on a slice of pizza from the pizza place around the corner. We have been faithful customers of this place since it opened, and have dropped our fair share of coin there. Not that I'm a goombah, but they know me when I walk in.

Unusual for a Friday night at 6:00 PM, I walked in and the place was empty. Enzo, the owner and namesake greets me and I order a slice of Sicilian. Immediately, ten people come in to get their pies. About ten minutes later, all ten people have been taken care of and I ask Enzo how my slice is doing. My patience anymore astounds even me. More people were coming in and I wanted to get what I had coming to me.

Well, Enzo goes, "Yeah, that was a slice Sicilian..."

To which I replied, "You mean you didn't put the slice in yet?" I was mildly harumphy and I raised my hands in a sort of shrug to emphasis my building unhappiness about having just wasted ten minutes of my life for nothing.

Enzo looks up at me, and I swear this is completely true, and says, "Goodbye." Just like that annoying English woman from The Weakest Link, only with an Italian accent.

I was really mad and felt like arguing with the SOB, but I just left. I am, however, planning on ordering two Sicilian pies with mushrooms and onions and then calling back thirty minutes later to cancel, every Friday night for the next month.

TWIR - Post Election Edition

If you're feeling low today because the world is ending and all, just look at the Moose for a minute or so. You will feel better.

1. To all of you Republicans and "Conservatives" out there who are bemoaning the supposed Socialist leanings of President-Elect Barack America: What the hell do you think a $700 BILLION bailout is? How about a $700,000,000,000 bailout that no one is really sure how to spend $400,000,000,000 of?

2. Speaking of Barack America, what's with the "Office of the President-Elect?" What an arrogant thing to do.

3. Yesterday, I had something really good I wanted to put here, but I forgot what it was.

4. I predicted Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State back in August. I also predicted the market would recover after the election, so what the hell do I know?

5. If most people refrain from farting in public, why does hardly anyone refrain from blowing their nose in public, especially at a restaurant? You Leftists want to make laws? Make a law about that one.

6. In 1980 I was twenty-one years old. The economy was way worse than it is now. I mean, way worse. Inflation was around 16%. If you could get a mortgage the average rate was 21%. Unemployment was around 8%. Jobs were scarce, money was tight and everyone had "The Ayatollah Is An Assaholah" bumper stickers on their cars. Well I didn't, but other people did.

7. Ayatollah is in my spell check, but assaholah isn't. I should get an Italian spell check.

Have a nice weekend.

I'm Not Quite Feeling Like the Moose

The election is over and the economy will cease to exist next month, so let's get back to what's really important - things that annoy me.

Did you ever have one of those days where your mind and body aren't going the same speed? That's me today. After four hours fixing a problem that should have taken fifteen minutes, I dropped the unit I was working on which meant, well, it cost a lot of money.

Lindsay Lohan expressed her excitement over our first "colored" president yesterday. She failed to mention if she was still queer or not.

The Daily News is the worst newspaper in the world. The ink is cheap and the paper is inexpensive, so you can't turn the page easily which makes the ink rub off on your fingers. Plus, a little liberal wouldn't you say?

Today is Chinese Food Thursday. You should join me. I eat more Chinese food than most Chinese people, including the ones in China. The guy at the booth next to me blew his nose eleven times while I was eating. Real deep cleansing blows these were. Nice manners. Idiot.

This is almost like TWIR, except it is all happening in one day.

Yikes!

Either the hidden agenda is out, or these people are stupider than we thought.

Valerie Jarrett, of the Barack America transition team, appeared on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday and said that “given the daunting challenges that we face, it’s important that President-elect Obama is prepared to really take power and begin to rule [on] day one.”

Words do have meaning.

And Another Thing

Here's just a few more points and then I'll get back to making fun of people in restaurants.

1. If you voted for any incumbent last week, you are part of the problem. The political system in this country is wearing a pair of under-sized swimmies in a cesspool and not one office-holder at any level deserved to be returned to office. So stop bitching and blame yourself.

2. You cannot be a Christian, or believe in God, and be a racist. It is not possible, no matter what race you hate.

3. Right now right wing extremists are a bigger threat to our national recovery than any other splinter group.

4. For the most part, this is a conservative country, so the liberals you all just elected will only get so far.

5. Gold is off 25%, in 1980 dollars, of it's 1980 all-time high price. Unemployment is the highest it's been since 1994. I could go on and on, but the point is things are bad in a normal way. Barack America needs to step to the microphone and send some positive messages out to the American people - like Reagan did (in 1980). The road to recovery starts with confidence in the future.

6. The Saints are abysmal again this year. And now I have to put up with obnoxious Giants and Jets fans. Wonderful.

A Look At Laws

Here's Part Deuce of The World According to Oulsham.

1. The death penalty should be outlawed. You cannot trust your government to do trivial things well, so you should not trust your government to discern guilty from innocent 100% of the time.

2. Draconian drug laws should be struck down. Too many young lives have been wasted by foolish incarcerations than necessary to protect society from the scourge of drugs. We know which drugs are addictive and which aren't. Our governments also earn money through the addictive use of tobacco which is a travesty of hypocrisy. Countless lives have been lost due to alcohol abuse, yet government allows the production and sale of alcohol. My personal feelings about the destructiveness of drugs or alcohol have no business here.

3. Welfare has destroyed the nuclear family of those who choose to accept welfare. This is cultural slavery of the worst sort.

4. Home Rule should always be preferred over laws dictated from a central government with no real feeling for the needs of the locality.

5. Americans built this country through economic and cultural freedom. Americans will destroy this country through cultural slavery to a central government.

6. All government largess should be at the will of all the people, not the select few.

7. Strict term limits of 10 years should be imposed on the House of Representatives. All other term limits are not necessary.

8. The government should protect the wealth and welfare of its people first from foreign influence, then from domestic influence.

9. Tenure should be eliminated from all public places of learning.

10. Lotteries should be outlawed because they create an unnecessary tax burden on those who can least afford it. The government has no business conducting lotteries. Gambling should be at the will of the people, as with other vice laws.

11. All citizens should be required to perform a minimum of two years public service by the time they are twenty-five or within five years of attaining at least permanent resident status. This can range from serving on a volunteer first aid or fire department, to working with sports programs for kids, to joining the Peace Corps and other similar civilian corps.

Part Three tomorrow, or Monday if I am tired tomorrow.

The World According to Oulsham

TWIR will be postponed this week so we can do a general review on Conservative and Libertarian principles and beliefs. Caveat: This could also be called the World According to Oulsham.

We have two dogs here at the Oulsham Ranch. Because they are stupid, we built a fence to keep them from roaming around and getting hit by cars and rickshaws. They eat when we tell them to, unless they figure out the combination to the garbage pail. They relieve themselves at our convenience. Basically, they have given up their freedom for two squares, an official PetSmart dog bed, an acre of yard to run in and an occasional table scrap. I would never want to be a dog, even when they are laying around on rainy mornings all snuggled on the couch which they are not supposed to be on.

Not in order of importance, here's what separates human beings from canines:

1. God is too big for us to conceptualize or comprehend. I know eternity is a long ass time compared to the few short years I have here on Earth, so I have to figure God's got other things in mind for my energy when I die.

2. Trying to conceptualize and speak of God in human terms is folly.

3. Human beings are extraordinary works and I have to figure we were put here by God to live extraordinary lives. Extraordinary does not mean being a rock star or famous politician. It means rising above ordinary in how we live our daily lives.

4. Government should exist to facilitate extraordinariness. It should never exist to define it.

5. Laws are meant to confine humans. The more laws a society allows, the more confined its members. We have the right to choose our level of confinement in all cases.

6. Tradition teaches values and values entrench morals. It works no other way. Period. Once the first two parts of the equation are removed the result is altered.

7. Adversity begets change. Human beings need adversity to grow. Removing adversity from the growing experience eliminates the opportunity to be extraordinary.

8. You are born alone. You will die alone. Just as you fall asleep and wake up alone. You must therefore know deeply the only person you will ever be in full contact with. If you happen to be lucky enough to share your journey with someone else you are blessed, but confusing the two dilutes yourself.

9. All human beings are created as equals. Unfortunately, it stops at birth. How we handle those who are more or less equal than us is part of our own individual journey.

10. Nothing is free in this world. Everything costs somebody something. Every time you receive something for nothing you are blind to this reality.

11. Government is foolish, all of the time. Government needs to protect our safety, protect our welfare and protect our wealth. After that, government is a leech.

12. Power corrupts - all of the time. Human beings are unable to safely wield power for any extended period of time. Power over other people will eventually destroy every person who wields it.

13. Living in a black and white world is dangerous. Wise human beings see the gray and apply it to their own principles.

14. People who form their opinions of other people or situations based on the word of other people are fools. Once you deny the words in your heart, you deny your reason for being on this planet.

15. What is common among all people is the power of choice.

16. Government should be looked at suspiciously at all times and authority should be questioned at every opportunity.

17. Societies must have common language, common tradition, and common goals or they will cease to exist. Read your history.

18. Vanity among fools is a poor way to govern and all political rhetoric is simply the spewing of vanity by fools.

19. What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours. Leave my stuff alone unless I consent for you to bother with it. I will do the same.

20. Life is to be savored, enjoyed and seized and it is with great sorrow that I look at people who are not able to rise above circumstance to do this. Government is not able to help a single person live a better life beyond ensuring personal and societal safety and freedom.

Another Country Checks In

Just when we think it's time to be serious about the current Depression we are slipping into, and all the dumb wars and stuff, Silvio Burlusconi opens his mouth.

Burlusconi, the Italian Premiere, said in a press conference in Russia yesterday that Russian President Medvedev should have no problem making deals with Obama because he has all the important qualities necessary like being "young, handsome and evenly tanned."

When questioned later about his remarks, Burlusconi said he meant them as a compliment. It's nice to see there is a at least one country out there with stupider people than we have here.

Go Italy!

The Election In Review

First of all, congratulations to Barack Obama on running a near-seamless campaign and exploiting the foolishness of George W. Bush and his Country Club Republicans. I hope that all of you fear-mongering CC Republicans will get over it and do the right thing by supporting our new President.

Now is the time to understand that agreement and support are mutually exclusive, and that you can support your President without agreeing with him. Conservatism has taken a nasty blow to the solar plexus and if we're as smart as we say we are we'll get over it and learn from it. By the way, you cannot say America will not survive an Obama presidency at the same time you believe this is a great country. We survived Jimmy Carter and Richard Nixon.

President-Elect Obama now has the daunting task of pleasing 67,000,000 Americans who voted for him and not pissing off 55,000,000 Americans who didn't. Good luck on that. I wish him well and I will do my best within my own principles to support him. Lord knows we need to come together as a country and stop the petty bickering, and I for one am hoping we voted for the right man for the job.

If we were wrong, we'll survive, but it won't be fun.

Thank You Republicans

Conservatives are going to take a beating today and we have the Republicans to thank for it. Barack America is going to have a decisive majority in Congress. Thanks Republicans.

The Republican Party, and the George Bush Wing in particular, is not the party of smaller government and smarter regulation. Bush has pilloried limits on the power of the President (Barack is rubbing his hands with glee), and the Republicans in Congress are abject failures of principle.

There are a whole lot of Americans out here who have no representation whatsoever because the party they thought would represent them has turned their backs.

Even if McCain wins, which he won't, there will be little difference.

Election Bulletin

Don't be fooled like NBC News was (or were they?). The audio outtakes you will certainly hear today of Sarah Palin getting punked by two Canadian radio DJs pretending to be French Prime Minister Sarkozy is a fake.

When you hear the full bit and not just the bit NBC News and the other dominant media outlets will let you hear it becomes obvious. When told that he (the guy pretending to be Sarkozy) enjoyed "the documentary about [you]" entitled Nailin Palin, which is a porn movie, and Palin thanks Sarkozy effusively, you'd have to be stupid or think other people are ignorant of your agenda to think the bit is real.

You are letting the largest media fraud in American history decide this election and you apparently don't care.

TWIR - Andy Rooney Edition

I lost my cell phone this week. It wasn't too long ago people didn't have cell phones. Now I don't have one. I kind of like not having to be connected to people every minute of the day, but I'm sure there are people who tried to get in touch with me this week who would have rathered I didn't lose my phone.

I need new brakes on my truck. I'm waiting until after the election to get them fixed. I, like millions of other Americans, are waiting for Barck Obama to get elected and fix all of our problems.

Do you think Barack Obama put too much pressure on himself to change things, since he ran on a message of changing everything, but changing things is difficult and not always necessary? I do.

I will not be surprised if John McCain wins on Tuesday. Americans have a way of talking big in public, but thinking carefully in private.

P.J. O'Rourke said Democrats believe in Santa Claus because he is nice, gives things away, and hardly expects anything in return. Republicans believe in God, because he is unpleasant alot of the time, expects us to do the right thing all the time, and only gives us what we earn. The big difference between the two is there is no Santa Claus. That's pretty clever, don't you think? I do.

This Andy Rooney bit is getting a bit worn out. Don't you think? I do. This will probably be the last Andy Rooney Edition of anything, at least for a while. Americans can rejoice in that.

Andy Rooney Thursday

I heard about a new disease today. I like to hear about new diseases. You might say I collect them. This disease is called phonagnosia and it's the inability to recognize voices that should be familiar to you. The woman in the story could only recognize Sean Connery's voice. I thought about that, and if I could recognize only one voice I want it to be Eva Gabor.

I watched Obama on TV last night. I was dismayed to see that according to our next President, this is a country where only suffering exists and failed people live. Or is it that Obama would like us to believe that so we will depend on him? Maybe he doesn't like people who work hard - get off their asses so to speak instead of whining about a problem or lying in bed moaning about it, because they won't vote for him.

The Phillies won the World Series last night. Good for them. I like the Phillies. They all have nice facial hair and I think most of them use hair gel. Why is it called the World Series though? Did Namibia have a team entered in the Series? Burkina Faso? I think not. Maybe they should call it the American Series instead.

I like Diet Pepsi better than Diet Coke, but I'll drink Diet Coke if no Diet Pepsi is around. I noticed women like to drink Dr. Pepper. I think it's the flavor, but I can't be sure.

Don't forget to vote on Tuesday for the candidate of my choice.

BATV

Tonight you will hear the single greatest conservative orator since, well, ever. You will tune into Barack America's 8:00 PM sitcom / dramedy on Barack America TV and you will be transfixed. He will say all of the right things and you will get googly-eyed and dream about spooning with him when the show is over. He will tell you he is not like all the other Socialists who have come before him. He will tell you that Americans like small government and want to be left alone. You will buy it. You are getting sleepy. You are getting sleepy. Later he will tell you that you are a chicken and he wants you to stick your hands under your arms and strut around the farmyard pecking at the kernels of corn on the ground. You will do this until he snaps his fingers.

Not surprisingly, McCain will be on Larry King Live, home of the pertinent as they compare age spots.

Scandalous

So a lot of the attacks on Barack America are being sloughed off as being just part of that famous Right Wing Conspiracy. While it is true that in an election season its hard to know what the truth is, you have to admit there's a lot of stuff out there. The Republicans can barely run a campaign let alone make up story after story about Barack America, so I have to think in there some where is some truth.

The Case Against John McCain

1. Member of the Keating Five.
2. Wife acquired painkillers illegally.
3. Sarah Palin fired a State Trooper.
4. Sarah Palin wears expensive clothes.
5. Sarah Palin has teenaged daughter who is pregnant.
6. McCain is proud of the horrible Campaign Finance Reform Act.

The Case Against Barack Obama

1. May not actually be a natural born citizen of the US.
2. Clearly support Hamas and PLO over right of Israel.
3. Supporter of Marxist economic theories since college.
4. Refuses to disavow relationship with William Ayers.
5. Refuses to disavow relationship with Reverend Jeremiah Wright.
6. Refuses to explain relationship with Tony Rezko.
7. Refuses to explain relationship with Khalid Rashedi.
8. States that US Constitution presented the blindspot which is "fundamental flaw" of our country.
9. Believes economic re-distribution cannot be attained through the courts and that that is a tragedy.
10. Refuses to release medical, birth, college records.

Go Phillies!

Hopefully tonight I'll be up way too late so I can be tired and cranky tomorrow after celebrating the Phillies winning the Worlds Series.

Politics tomorrow - tonight is all about baseball.

An Oulsham Restaurant Review

Friday is generally pizza day for me, or sometimes ham, cheese and cappicola day if I'm not in the mood for pizza. So I'm standing in line at a little pizza joint near the Oulsham Place of Employment when the unthinkable happened.

Just so you know, I try to be germ-phobic and I avoid dirt near my food almost all the time. To the point that I am still functional in the real world, I am successful.

A landscaper dude left the back of the restaurant after eating his lunch without first washing his super-dirty landscaper hands. These puppies were grimy. But hey, that's his problem sez I.

Until the owner of the pizza joint spotted our landscaper - who was obviously an old friend or a very good customer - and reached out and shook the landscaper's really filthy hand. "Hey how you doin?" "No, how you doin?"

Well frankly at this point I wasn't doing too well and I became quite distracted at the spectacle. The pizza owner guy finished shaking the landscaper's horribly unclean hand and then...turned to me...and...asked me...what I wanted to order.

I stood there, frozen, staring at the unclean hand of the landscaper as he grabbed a toothpick and left the building. I could not speak. I could not think. I was in mental lockdown.

"Sir, what can I get you," the impatient pizza owner dude repeated.

"Ummm, I really can't eat here," was all I could think to say. Without pausing I walked to the door and left. I went next door to the Chinese place and ordered Chicken in Garlic sauce. Chinese is usually Thursday, so now I will be behind a day until next week.

I'm not saying this actually happened at the place with the name of Juliet's boyfriend at the corner of Main Street and School Road in Marlboro, New Jersey, yesterday at 1:35 PM. But I'm not saying it happened somewhere else either.

Sheep Farts Not As Bad As You Think

Remember when sheep farts were blamed for ripping a hole in the ozone?

In a development at least as important as the upcoming election, scientists have determined that hydrogen sulfide, the compound that makes your family leave the room after you blame one on the dog, is actually active in making your blood pressure go down.

Scientists put tiny blood pressure cuffs on hypertensive rats (seriously, they really did) and gave them doses of hydrogen sulfide, and voila, the poor little rats' blood pressure decreased by as much as 20%.

Breath deep and relax my friends.

TWIR

1. The markets will continue to be unstable until after the election. The markets aren't concerned with who wins, they're simply concerned with the obvious instability this country is projecting through it's divisiveness and acrimony.

2. Obama is flying to Hawaii today for a family emergency. Who's paying for the flight? I'm just asking.

3. Being a non-Liberal and watching NBC News is kind of like being forced to eat dinner at your ex-spouse's house everyday so you can be told how completely and utterly wrong you are about everything - always.

4. Oil is below $69 / barrel. Why is this country not screaming about alternative fuels? Because we are lazy with the attention spans of gnats.

5. That's it. Can't wait for the election to be over.

BIG NEWS ABout Sarah Palin!

Her wardrobe cost $150,000.

I guess this means Mr. and Mrs. Obama's clothes were free. Joe Biden's too. And McCain.

It's a good thing nothing important is going on, like economic disaster, spreading terrorist fervor, energy costs, and dumb things like that.

Idiots.

I Told You Biden Was Fun

Hehehehehe. Jackass. And just think, we've got four years of him and his little buddy to entertain us with their gaffes.

If Sarah Palin had said what Joe Biden said about an imminent attack to this country, the entire country would be up in arms, screaming that either Palin knows something we don't, or that she is incapable of speaking in a manner suiting the position she seeks.

Palin is busy with the "paling around with terrorists" non-sense.
Obama is busy describing how he will re-distribute the wealth in this country.
Biden is busy being Biden.

And John McCain is acting like those damned squirrels that constantly run in front of me while I am driving and singing Mr. Bojangles at the top of me lungs. This way. No wait! That way! Up the telephone pole! Hang upside down! Back into the street!

Idiots.

Help Define Your Political Position

Two weeks from tonight the world is going to end. No matter which major party candidate wins, we move closer to Socialism.

I urge everyone to go to www.procon.org and take the 2008 Election Quiz:
http://2008election.procon.org/CandidateSurvey.xls
(Sorry I couldn't get the link to insert properly). Take the quiz. Be true to your beliefs and vote for the candidate who supports you. We have it wrong, we should vote for the candidate who supports us, not the other way around.

Lucky Bastards! Oulsham Has More To Say.

Way back a long time ago I wrote something brilliant and I tried to find it but I really didn't want to spend all night proving my brilliance when I am quite sure of its existence.

Anyway, I said in February or March that a Barack America presidency would be preferable to a John McCain presidency because of the tendency in this country to vote opposite the Executive branch's party at the midterms.

McCain is not a Conservative, and he is barely a Country Club Republican. At the midterm we will get a Liberal Congress which means McCain, who is like 2 degrees to the right of Barack America, will have unchecked policy instigation. Barack America however will get a Conservative Congress at the midterm which will effectively shut his 2 degrees to the Left of McCain policy initiatives down completely.

Look, I think both candidates are horrible because I don't believe what they believe, I do not however buy into the fear-mongering Right Wing in this country who thinks they can win an election because of someones last name. Barack Hussein America is not going to lead the country to Sharia Law so get a grip and loosen your Depends. Sometimes people get stuck with really horrible middle names. I seriously knew someone who's middle name was Matilda.

As I struggle to vote for the best candidate out of two stinkers, I am forced to look at the big picture, and the big picture to me is the midterms in 2010. (Being a Saints fan, I learned from a young age to forget about the current season because it's lost forever and to look to the next season when we will win it all. Hope springs eternal in my heart.)

Still not an endorsement.

Warren G. Harding & Barack America

Warren G. Harding was an affable US Senator who really, really, liked being a Senator. But the political machine in Ohio really, really, needed a President they could, um, count for favors and things. Warren G. Harding had no real political experience, but he was affable and people liked him.

President Harding died before the end of his first term. A death that was suspicious because he wasn't really ill and his wife refused to let an autopsy be performed. Some people think she poisoned him. Scandal infected his presidency and he was about to be impeached. The Great Depression started like 6 years after he left office.

You can make of this what you want.

TWIR

Blurg. I cannot wait until the election is over.

1. I'm back to my original opinion on the two stuffed suits running to be My Dad. There really isn't much difference between the two. Obama wants to spread the wealth around and McCain wants to bail out everyone who's ever made a bad decision. So every time you get up in arms about one or the other, take a breath and realize that Neo-Socialism is in, and you are out - no matter who wins.

2. Sarah Palin will be the first lady president. 2016.

3. I am going to invent cat-flavored dog treats. Cats have fish-flavored cat treats, but surprisingly no bird-flavored treats. I don't count chicken as a bird - chicken is not an animal anymore it is a farm commodity. So first I make the dogs equal with cat-flavored treats, then I lift up the cats with bird-flavored treats and then I stop because birds are not equal.

4. I've noticed there are only flaming Liberals, no flaming Conservatives, and only staunch Conservatives, no staunch Liberals. I'm not sure this is fair.

That's it, I got nothing until this blasted election is over.

World Series

My team is in the World Series, and it's very likely your team will not be, unless you're one of the 800 Tampa Ray fans spread throughout the country.

Didn't watch the debate last night, not one minute. I watched Philadelphia dismantle the Dodgers. That was fun. Can't wait until Monday.

My Phillie allegiances run deep. I was there in 1980 when they won it all; I was there in 1983 when they lost it all. In 1993 I scrambled hard to take the Oldest Sham and me to a game, but alas, no tickets were to be had. I'll be on the hunt again this time around.

Go Phillies!

Oulsham Expands His Mind

As if there was room.

Anyway, being tired of having incredible wagon wheel making skills in a Model T world, I decided to become The World's Oldest College Student. For various reasons, including work, family, demanding but uncooperative ex-wives, and plain lack of enthusiasm, I never finished college. Now after work I go to school so I can become somebody - or a history teacher, whichever comes first.

Today was the first meeting of my Sociology class. I hate Sociology classes because they are usually infested with pale skinned, whiney, left leaning malcontents telling me how wrong I am about everything.

Well not this semester! My professor could body double for George Carlin, except he's far more angry and non-liberal than George. In fact, he makes me look like Maurice Chevalier to his Robes-Pierre.

Definitely gonna ace this class.

The Silent Obama - Terrorist Connection

Here's one you haven't been allowed to hear yet.

Jesse Jackson said yesterday that years of putting Israel first will end under the Barack America presidency and that "Zionists have controlled American policy for decades and will lose their clout" under a Barack America administration. Barack America's camp was quick to put out a statement distancing itself from Jackson's comments.

But...

Barack and Michelle are very tight friends with Khalid Rashedi, a former PLO spokesman and negotiator for the Palestinians. According to Barack America, Rashedi "opened [his] eyes to a different point of view."

I like different point of views, and in fact I try to avoid people with limited POVs, but, there has to come a point where Americans begin to question at least something about their presumptive next president and the direction his beliefs will take us all in the next four years.

Seriously, maybe if the Republicans stopped the shocking headline, email scare-tactic crap and started really pushing the issues, comfortable or not, the country could really make an informed decision.

In The Interest Of Equal Time

Happy Columbus Day

My kids were all taught in school that Christopher Columbus brought famine, disease, pestilence, muffin-top pants, P-Diddy and Raman noodles to the New World and that all of this so annoyed the aboriginal peoples that they packed up and moved to squalid Indian Reservations northwest of Santa Fe, NM.

Yet we ignore all of this history and celebrate Columbus Day anyway.

TWIR - RIP JACKASS WEEK

Well, until next time.

Anyway, what kind of Jackass would suspend Jackass Week, or any other similar campaign just because there's an emergency somewhere he can do nothing about except maybe get some press so he can fool gullible people? If I was running for President and I suspended Jackass Week I would hope you people would question my sanity.

Contrary to statements made earlier this week, I will not vote for Barack America. I will take some Imodium, put a clothespin on my nose, wear latex gloves and vote for John McCain. McCain is going to lose anyway, so at least I will be able to complain loudly when Barack America proves himself inept.

There is no winner this time around because Jackass Week was suspended, but here's a few random, somewhat Jackass related thoughts...

Physicists posit that gravity is am extremely weak force. I fell through a ceiling once doing an attic cable run. The board I was standing on was weak, gravity was not. I have the scars to prove it.

Crazy, scared, naive investors are causing the Dow and other markets to plummet, nothing else. Once everyone gets over themselves, the Dow will turn around. Wall Street people were already somewhat positive as they left for the weekend yesterday.

I don't care what happens to Big Auto, any of them. Sell cars people can afford, and then sell cars people want. If people want to spend $50,000 on a car I say fair play to them, but how short-sighted is it to push all facets of the market in that direction? Tough, say I.

I don't care what happens to banks that over-extend themselves, much like I don't care about people who take when the taking is good never expecting that give-back time is right around the corner. The markets regulate themselves, even if it hurts sometimes. Government only screws things up for the long haul. Think if you had gangrene...the government's solution is Iodine on the wound so you don't hurt so bad and still like them. You all know what the other solution is...

If The People are in the business of giving credit and they start getting hungry and their wives get mad at them because they bring home dinky little paychecks that remind their wives of other mistakes they've made, The People will figure out a way to give credit.

Likewise every other way The People make money. Let the markets drop the bad fruit and caress the good. As long as The People like food and warmth and an occasional Coors Light, The People will figure it out.

I AM SUSPENDING JACKASS WEEK DUE TO EMERGENCY!

This episode of Jackass Week has been pre-empted due to a dire national emergency. I watched the debate last night and I'm stewed.

McCain is now announcing a $300,000,000,000 federal program to purchase bad mortgages to keep homeowners in their homes. Now, I will admit that this sucks for them, but between McCain's proposal and the $700,000,000,000 bailout that I guess is working because the Dow isn't worth zero yet, we will be spending 1,000,000,000,000 to correct bad decisions, greed and corruption. My truck has 135,000 miles on it and it won't be paid off until June. I am in negative equity on the truck. My hand is out and I am switching my weight between my feet and sighing impatiently but no one is coming to my rescue.

I cannot support any more stupid bailouts for every Tom, Dick and Harry that made a mistake. Whether the mistake was out of naivete, ignorance, hubris or criminal mentality, I will simply not support bailouts, especially based on the fact that the market seems to be immune from the bailout we just passed. Manipulating the value of real estate in this country through artificial mortgage holdings and value manipulation will make the 1970's and 1930's look like the 1980's in comparison.

This is a deal breaker for me, so as long as McCain supports this stupid election season stunt, I cannot vote for him. Yup, I'll press the lever for Barack America, that's how serious I am about this. Joe Biden said this morning that this program is already in the Bill that was passed, and as far as I've been able to find out, he is wrong. Here's a few other things Biden got wrong: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,433314,00.html The thing is, I am voting for President, not Veep, so as fun as it is to rock Biden's world, we're in some serious swamps here and the alligators are swimming in our direction.

You Might Be A Jackass If...

During the 1990's I would get a twitch either over my left eye or my right upper lip. Gorilla My Dreams was the root cause and luckily the twitch has been gone for a while now... until last night during the last quarter of the Saints - Vikings game. You think I'm a little too caught up in football this year? Let's get back to our Jackass Week Festivities.

You might be a jackass if...

you are Nancy Pelosi and you thought oil would never fall below $100 / barrel...ever and you wanted to save the world so you refused to allow Congress to vote on a critical bill that you agreed we need but were afraid would make your party look bad. By the way, light sweet is $87.80 / barrel as of this writing.

you get in a snit and stay there for obtuse amounts of time. Whether it's politics, work, sports or religion, seriously, have you ever met anyone is either 100% wrong or 100% right?

you look like you should be making pizzas in Belleville but you're missing field goals in the Superdome on a Monday night against a team you should have beat but you can't kick the freakin' football to save your life and your jersey number is #1 and this is the second time in three weeks you caused my team to lose a game it should've won but you are horrible and so is your pizza and your brother Mario Kart.

you are Barney Frank and you had a longstanding romantic relationship with anyone, ever, but most especially the chairman of Fannie Mae, a corporation your committee had oversight of, and you bark out loud with that silly Massachusetts accent of yours that you did nothing wrong.

you are Christopher Dodd (D-CT) and you are the Senate Finance Chairman and you took sub-sub-prime mortgages from Countrywide, and you are keeping such a low profile that we can only believe you are a thief.

you are Keith Olbermann and you demand extra security from JFK to midtown because you think right-wing extremists are going to kill you. Keith, the right-wing extremists are too busy eating the tassels on their loafers because they can't afford tofu.

you are Barack America and you consorted with people who openly wished death and destruction on citizens of this country because they didn't agree with them or whatever and you are not open and honest with us about those relationships.

I love Jackass Week.

Keith Olbermann, Thundering Velvet, Cookie Whoopse

And it begins, the second Biennial Jackass Week of 2008. I love Jackass Week. You love Jackass Week.

Today it's a toss-up between two deserving nominees and a person under consideration.

1. Keith Olbermann is the most obnoxious, unfunny, negative and annoying person on television today. If you like him I am afraid that you too are a Jackass. Mr. Olbermann does replays for NBC's Sunday Night Football pregame show. He has made the show unwatchable. He inserts his stupid political remarks into football replays which is the ultimate in Jackassery. He thinks being funny means aping Chris Berman from ESPN. The problem is, Berman is funny and original, whereas, doofus Olbermann is simply negative and simple-minded. His jokes are the epitome of stupid which is made worse because of his arrogance and pithiness. I no longer watch anything with him on it and you should agree with me. Olbermann is also dangerous because of his simple-mindedness. His take on the world is that Democrats are always right and everyone else is always wrong. He has too much power to be that simplistic. Don't believe me? Go to http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x2166226#2166235 to get an idea of what this guy is really all about. A few simple Google searches will also help.

2. People who name their child-rearing philosophies. I knew someone who called their particular style "Thundering Velvet." They were serious. I defy you to sit at a table with someone who is desribing in great detail and affectation the merits of Thundering Velvet without laughing or whoopsing your cookies. You can't do it. BTW, if you have a name for your parenting style, seriously, save your kids and put them up for adoption.

3. Speaking of Cookie Whoopse. I saw someone get thrown up on Saturday night and they acted like it was the worse thing that ever happened to anyone. Thanks for showing me all the places the whoopse landed.

I love Jackass Week. I sent this to Keith...I hope he likes Jackass Week too!

OJ's Quest Is Over - What Better Way To Start Jackass Week!

After 13 hours of deliberation, a Las Vegas jury found OJ Simpson guilty - 13 years to the day after a Los Angeles jury found him not guilty of killing two people. Because there's a bunch of felony counts like kidnapping in his conviction, OJ will have to spend a minimum of 15 years in prison. His case will be appealed on grounds the judge allowed testimony from the LA case, so we'll have to wait and see.

I guess the bad part is, OJ's quest to find Ron and Nichole's real killers is over. I know he had to be making some headway, and I'm sure his quest to get his football knickknacks back was just one part of his massive journey to do what the LA County DA's office could not do.

TWIR - Bosniacs, and O'Bidens

Wow, that was quite a week, I'll try to keep this light. In fact, this week was so grim and un-fun, I am declaring next week JACKASS WEEK!

1. Sarah did okay. A little contrived - like a politician - but good. Commentutards who were over the moon about her performance just show how foolish and partisan they are. New word: Comment-U-tard. Like a Celebutard only not quite.

2. Palin calling her opponents "Obama and O'Biden" was funny.

3. Joe did okay. Fast and loose with the truth - like a politician - but he was okay. Mainstream media commentutards who said it was a slight win for Biden just show how foolish and partisan they are.

4. Biden calling people from Bosnia "Bosniacs" was freakin' hysterical.

5. It's enough Tina Fey already, but yet I never got tired of Dana Carvey doing H.W. or Chevy Chase doing Ford.

6. No bailout Bill yet. No meltdown yet. Joe, the past is not always prologue. Maybe we should let Wall Street suck it's thumb and stamp it's feet all it wants, and then when it's tantrum is done maybe Wall Street should fix it's own mess.

7. McCain pulled out of Michigan yesterday. Have you ever been to Michigan? I have. Maybe Michigan should read Number 6 and insert "us" for "Wall Street." I know the grammar won't be proper, but I think you get the point.

8. Joe Biden said he hangs out "at Home Depot all the time." I was there yesterday. I bought light bulbs, salt for our water conditioner and an air filter. It cost me $98.06. I did not see Joe there. In fact, the place was empty.

9. Sarah, d'ya think that accent of yours is going to get on my nerves (wink) just a little? I do.

10. Go Phillies! And of course, Go Saints!

I'm going to a high school football game tonight, tomorrow I'm doing something and Sunday I'm watching football, even though the Saints aren't on until Monday. I think there'll be a fire in the fireplace Sunday night.

Tina Fey Is Funny And All, But Shouldn't We Really Be Looking Beyond What We Are Being Spoon Fed?

We're at a unique point in the history of Western Civilization. We (meaning "the West") know radical Islam wants us to bleed to death on the streets in front of our homes, yet we invite them in and accommodate their every demand. I guess we're naively hoping if we're nice... To make matters even more absurd, every year we send them an amount of money in excess of the money we are going to spend once to destroy the free-market system in our own country. This is done so we can buy something we have ourselves but we won't let ourselves get because nature is nice. Basically, we're too lazy to open our eyes to our own culpability.

Below is a stream of Geert Wilders' movie about radical Islam "Fitna." Geert is now under police protection from insulted Islamists in his homeland of The Netherlands. For those of you with a strong enough stomach and an attention span that can extend for 16 minutes, you should watch this movie. It probably won't be there for long; YouTube pulled it bowing to complaints and I'm sure Google will do the same. Granted the Old and New Testaments are filled with nasty little war-mongering bits just like the Quran, but there is a fundamental difference between the followers of both books. The former view those passages as their history while the latter view those passages as their calling from Allah.

Politically act on your response to this movie. Vote for the people who most closely represent your own fears, beliefs and demands. Make changes in your daily consumption to tell the free-market that you want things to change. Sitting around yelling at the TV and hitting "forward" on an email will not accomplish a thing.

Andy Rooney Wednesday

I don't have a cow suit, but if I did, you can bet I wouldn't urinate on my neighbor's porch and run around tormenting children in my neighborhood.

I wonder if the guys and girls in the Senate ever dress in cow suits and run around tormenting their junior partners in the House? I bet they do, but they keep it secret.

How about that moose in the Alcee Hastings story? He has a nice smile.

Last week we were told Congress had 72 hours to pass a bailout bill. That was 144 hours ago. So far, no bill and no meltdown. D'ya think Libertarians are right when they say the government only screws things up and really doesn't help? I think they are.

I like John McCain. He's old like I am but he has much better kept eyebrows than me.

Barack America's wife Cybil, or Cheryl, or Candy, or whatever her name is, I can't remember, seems to be smiling a lot more lately. Do you think someone told her to smile more? I do.

I saw George Bush Sr. and Geraldine Ferraro on TV this morning. They make a cute couple. D'ya remember how scared we all were in 1984 that Mondale would win and Ms. Ferraro would be next-in-line for the Big Job? I do. In fact, I am reminded of that today when I see Sarah Palin. The only difference is it's the Libs who are scared now. That's funny isn't it?

It occurs to me that Liberals are always telling us to conserve something. That conservation is good. But I've noticed that Liberals always dislike Conservatives. That's funny, to me.

Questions For The TARP Lineup

To George Bush - Maybe a little too little a little too late to be acting all pissed off at Congress, so why the rush all of a sudden?

To Nancy Pelosi - Was it totally necessary to rub salt in the wounds of people you were trying to get to vote your way? Isn't that a bit childish and churlish?

To Barney Frank - Why be indignant now when you knew we were up to our butts in alligators last summer?

To Barack America - In the past you have stated your pride about your work with ACORN. What is your feeling about how much ACORN is responsible for forcing inner city banks to buy bad mortgages, therefore adding to the current difficulties?

To John McCain - You have stated numerous times in the past that you are against large government so please explain your pressing need to pass the current TARP as it stands?

To Joe Biden - Seriously, FDR was not President when the Market crashed in 1929. Do you ever read anything?

To Sarah Palin - Can you please explain how the Stock Market works?

Why The House Killed The TARP

The Troubled Assets Relief Fund was killed today in the House by a vote of 205-228. Technically, the TARP is not a "bail-out" of Wall Street, it is the authorization of the Federal government to purchase financial instruments that have failed.

The House was expected to pass the Bill today after adding a mortgage insurance securities fund that House Republicans were insisting be added. The simplistic way this crisis has been spoon-fed to the American public caused many Representatives - especially Republicans - to decide against it. Some Republicans claimed calls were coming in from their constituents at a rate of 10-1 against the increased government oversight and intervention.

House Minority Whip Roy Blunt also stated that a dozen or so House Republicans decided to vote against the TARP after an extremely partisan speech by House Speaker Pelosi who blamed the entire crisis on the "failed economic policies" of the last eight years.

Deputy Minority Whip also blamed the House vote on Speaker Pelosi's "failure to lead and failure to listen." It's important to remember that the Democrats have the majority in the House, so they could vote the Republicans out of existence, or at the very least they could've passed this Bill without a single Republican vote.

I would like to have the faith that the House will repair the Bill and get it right. I'm not a big fan of the TARP, but we need to do something. However, I'm not so sure I have the faith in our elected representatives to do anything other than bicker anymore. And I most certainly don't have any faith whatsoever in Nancy Pelosi's ability to guide the House through this or any other mess.