Saturday, January 31, 2009

Big Freakin' News - Oulsham Is Retiring

Yup, kiddies, it's time to move on to bigger, and significantly cooler looking things! Join me won't you? I thought you'd say that.

Very soon now there will be an announcement about where to find the continuing brain dribblings of a middle-aged malcontent.

Stay tuned.

Friday, January 30, 2009

TWIR - Inter-Commensalism Edition

Mutualism is when two organisms feed off each other to each other's mutual benefit. Parasitism is when one organism feeds off a second without benefit to the second. Commensalism is when two organisms feed off each other and both are indifferent. Inter-commensalism is when everybody feeds off everybody else and nobody cares. We live in an inter-commensalist society kids.

1. California readers will be happy to know they are now the proud parents of eight new kids born to a single mother who lives with her six kids at her mother's house. Now grandma, and you, will be feeding fourteen kids all because this woman wanted to get pregnant again so bad she fertilized invitro. This is the height of arrogance and irresponsibility on the parts of everyone involved prior to fertilization. I don't mind if she wants fourteen kids, but by golly, do it the old-fashioned way and earn those kids.

2. Last quarter's GDP was down 3.8%, not the 5.4% analysts were expecting. This is good news.

3. I am tired of hearing about the pain we are all in. Sending your child off to war and never seeing him alive again is painful. Dying of cancer is painful. Losing a limb to diabetes is painful. Not being able to afford to get the DVD player in the SUV fixed IS NOT painful. Not being able to get your nails done or play golf every Saturday is not painful. Everything short of actual pain is merely hard work.

4. Problems are only opportunities in work clothes.

5. I like that Obama shot from the hip at the Wall Street bonus folks, but one NBC reporterette actually said "Obama scolded them like an angry father." Moron. Hey lady, sometimes people don't say things nicely to get their points across, but keep your issues with your dad to yourself, okay?

6. Inter-commensalism is a made up word. Commensalism is an actual thing, but the "inter" part was thrown in by a group of high school students scrambling to come up with an answer to a test, and I thank them for it, because inter-commensalism will become a regular part of the Oulsham lexicon.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Further Proof We Are All Doomed

My ever-patient SO took care of some telephonic business for me today. Without lying and adding stupid things for dramatic effect, this is how the conversation went.

My Ever-Patient SO: I would like to change some things in Mr. Oulsham's account.

Person Of Questionable Intelligence On Other End Of Phone: I can't do that without his authorization. Do you have his credit card number?

MEPSO: No, but I have his Social Security number.

POQIOOEOP: That's no good. I have to have his authorization to change the account. Can you call him and get his authorization and then call me back?

MEPSO: (Stifling a laugh): That's all I have to do? He asked me this morning to change the account for him before he left for work.

POQIOOEOP: Oh, he already gave you his authorization? Fine then, how can I help you?

I'm beginning to wonder if without stupid people there would be no people, except of course for you and I and MEPSO.

Except For Football, Ford Does Have A Better Idea.

Apparently the people at Ford are better at running their car company than they are their football team. And isn't that a nice refreshing change?

Ford's losses were around $5 billion last year, but they are not (so far) asking for a bailout from me. I like this. I like this a lot. Chrysler and GM have both asked me for money, and apparently I gave it to them, even though I really didn't want to. I've given a lot of people money in the last six months. It seems like I am always giving somebody money and I'm starting to run out. I have lived a long life filled with people with their hands out, and maybe I'm starting to get just a teensie-weensie bit resentful.

So, I have decided that if you come to me for money, or maybe if you avoid me and ask my neighbors for money, I will not buy your products. This includes your crooked home loans, cars, and whatever else it is you think you can make but apparently aren't very good at. This also means I will become a customer of Ford exclusively because I want to support people who know how to make it on their own.

But, you were just saying last week that the car companies aren't totally at fault here, you might be saying. Yes, I did say that. But Ford understood the troubles in its market and worked within those parameters and the other noodniks didn't. It's that simple.

The people at GM and Chrysler might think they can sit on the couches of their shareholders and taxpayers like me and play Madden '09 and eat Fritos Flavor Twists forever and we'll bail them out without even making them make their beds, even though they're way older than they should be for this type of behavior. Eventually, everyone figures out that pity is best saved for those among us who truly deserve it.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Sad News - Billy Powell Dead At 56

The music world lost one of its great under-appreciated players today with the death from an apparent heart attack of Lynyrd Skynyrd keyboardist Billy Powell at an all too young age of 56.

Known as a guitar band, the Skynyrd sound was equally shaped by the rollicking Mississippi Delta flavoring of Powell's piano work. The opening to Freebird, one of the iconic intros in all of music history was penned by Powell while he was still a roadie for the band.

Two images of Powell are forever burned into my memory. No one can forget the interview Powell did in 1977 after surviving the Skynyrd plane crash in Mississippi, with his bandaged nearly-severed nose and black eyes as he grieved for his friends. But I'll choose to remember a twenty-two-year-old Powell flipping the photographer the bird on the cover of Nuthin' Fancy, Skynyrd's 1974 release. The irony of a roadie becoming a rockstar overnight and then telling the world what he thought gave great hope to young, struggling, cynical musicians everywhere.

Thanks Billy, for the music and for sharing yourself. Time passes quickly, don't let it slip through your hands.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Obama Gets It Right And Gets It Wrong

The media has been telling us that Republicans are fighting for more tax cuts in President Obama's stimulus package which is what is holding it up. This is not exactly right. Obama's fight is with the Democrats who don't want any tax cuts included in the stimulus package. So it is Obama and the Republicans versus the Democrats on this one.

Nancy Pelosi (2008 World's Most Stupidest Person In The World Award winner) doesn't want tax cuts. She also doesn't want people having kids. According to her, federally funded contraception saves the federal government money, because I guess, there will be less kids for the Feds to feed. This is the kind of intrusion those of us who still think clearly mean when we talk about the welfare state. President Obama struck $85 million in contraception money from the stimulus bill in a correct effort to keep the bill as focused as possible. This was a win for the American people, and a serious blow to the Democrats - who quite frankly under their current leadership prove themselves time and time again not to be so American.

This small win is offset by the Democrats claiming victory by postponing the cut to digital TV by another four months. They've had three years to print up the coupons and set aside the money and they've failed, but somehow they think another four months will make it all work. You see, instead of stupidly playing to the crowd by printing up the stupid coupons for stupid people to think they were getting something for nothing, they just should have subsidized the converter manufacturers on the back end. But you see this is stupid of me to think, because there would be no press and no tangible gift to the American piglets from the teat of their government pig-mom. So unfortunately common-sense and smart business strategies lose out once again to the something-for-nothing new Americans and their perceived need to be taken care of. Oh, and by, "new" Americans, I'm not talking about immigrants, I'm talking about people who think the government exists to provide for them. 'New' Americans range in age from about 13 to 87, so don't get all generational on this one.

If the government can't provide $40 coupons to offset the cost of a mandated switchover to digital television (which is egregious to me to begin with), how can you possible still believe the government can do anything?

Monday, January 26, 2009

Two Things

First. I will be rooting for the Arizona Cardinals on Sunday. As much as I admire the Pittsburgh Steeler organization, they are winners. The whole country recognizes them as winners. The Cardinals, on the other hand are losers. Just rooting for the underdog eh Oulsham? Well, isn't that sweet? you might be saying. Nope. I don't like losers. I think losers stink for the most part, but I do think the world needs more winners, so if a loser can become a winner, well then we all benefit. This fits right in line with my political beliefs. So, I root for people to become winners, and that's why I am rooting for the Cardinals.

And another thing. President Obama is now going to allow each state to set their own emission levels for automobiles. Yay! States Right! Right, Oulsham? you might be exclaiming. Well not exactly. If the states want to set difficult-to-engineer emission standards for automobiles, making it nearly impossible for car manufacturers to be profitable, then the states should bail out the auto industry. The Federal government has already hammered a bunch of nails into the coffin of Detroit by removing the free-market from the auto industry, and now while they are on the other side of the coffin prying nails out with bailout loans, they are going to let the states hammer more nails in with a patchwork of unworkable emission standards. This is stupid.

American automobile manufacturers are surely to blame for their own condition, but the Feds have to share in that blame. Bowing down to Japan's tariff wall and forcing restrictions that fly in the face of what the market is demanding are also important causes for Detroit's current state. Allowing the possibility of fifty separate emissions standards with one hand while we are writing them checks on the other just defies logic.

Friday, January 23, 2009

TWIR - Potpourri Edition

This is the second-to-last TWIR on the blogspot page. Be ready to update your favorites file on February 1. As we speak, an email is traveling through some wire somewhere with an inquiry into how much it will cost to get my name domain back.

1. Chuck Schumer's office called me last night, ostensibly to apologize to trees for the inadvertent slur hurled their way Wednesday night. Chuckie's office also mentioned that it was all Governor Paterson's ineptitude that brought down Caroline Kennedy.

2. Former French President Jacques Chirac was bitten Wednesday by his clinically depressed Maltese Poodle. A clinically depressed French Poodle would have more sense. I think anyone who has a clinically depressed dog has too much time on their hands.

3. A kinder, gentler, Oulsham: I will no longer take cheap shots at people just for a laugh - unless I know the laugh is sure-fire. Immune from this new Blog Edict are Voldemort, Mr. Potter (from It's A Wonderful Life) and many Canadians.

4. I want more stories about Mrs. Biden's slip of the tongue on Oprah last week. Where are they?

5. Al Roker is the biggest horse's ass this side of a Clydesdale barn. His chasing down President Obama on the sidewalk during the parade was loutish, selfish, overbearing, insensitive to the people gathered to watch the parade and see the President, and unprofessional. It was also unseemly for a grown man of some achievement to publicly act like a hormonally challenged adolescent at a Jonas Brother's concert. Mr. Roker has been nominated to win The World's Most Stupidest Person In The World Award. But I have instituted new guidelines at the Oulsham Institute of Stupidity and I have to find a video of him in the act.

Have a nice weekend.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

TWIR - Vinyl Edition

I know it's 12 hours early, but lucky you, there will be a regular TWIR tomorrow morning.

I'm sitting hear listening a to a virgin remastered version of "Eat A Peach" on a 180gram vinyl disk through a brand new pair of KEF speakers and I am loving it. Eat your heart out people who aren't my friends, because you will probably never get to enjoy this treat.

1. Rediscover music the way it was meant to sound - with odd-order harmonics - not those nasty even-order harmonics digital gives you. Listen to more vinyl, buy a vacuum tube amp or vacuum tube DAC and live your musical life once again.

2. Go to the Princeton Record Exchange, Nassau Street, Princeton, the next time you have a winter afternoon to kill. If you're looking for an album, or a dreaded nasty CD, and they don't have it, you really don't need it.

3. I got Blotto's "I Want To Be A Lifeguard" and The Monroes "What Do All The People Know?" EPs there in near mint condition for $4.00 each.

4. The "Eat A Peach" I mentioned, on the spectacular 180gram vinyl was $40 bucks, but it has completely remastered graphics and some bonus tracks. You can hear Duane breathing as he plays that way high open-D tuned acoustic during "Little Martha." Go buy a remastered vinyl copy of your favorite album and find out what you've been missing. The record label we should all love and honor is Vinyl Lovers Records.

5. I got a mint condition 1968 Mamas and Papas Greatest Hits import pressed only in England for $3.00. It sounds fantastic.

I am a sorry, sorry, person, but I'm happy.

Caroline, No

In this installment of The Blog, I will do the job the media refuses to do:

(sound of phone ringing)

Caroline Kennedy: Erra, hallo?

Voice Of Democratic Operative On Other End: Ms. Kennedy, this is (insert name of person from Chuck Schumer's office here). Ms. Kennedy we have a problem.

CK: Erra, what, you know, is the problem, you know?

VODOOOE: Ah, Ms. Kennedy, you are dumb as a tree and you have no experience or talent for the job, even though my boss Chuck Schumer doesn't either, but at least he went out and got the public fooled. You on the other hand are simply not qualified for the job.

CK: Erra, I know, you know?

VODOOOE: But, herein lies the paradox. We Democrats still think the public loves the Kennedy's, and what after-all with the family legacy and other assorted tidbits, we realize the falsely perceived public relations nightmare Governor Patterson will have if he doesn't appoint you.

CK: Erra, yes, I know, you know?

VODOOOE: So, Ms. Kennedy, we are going to give you the opportunity to withdraw your name from consideration. Thus, saving face for everyone involved. In return, you will be considered for a future State or Federal position or Cabinet post. Do you understand Ms. Kennedy?

CK: Erra, yes, I do, you know, understand, you know? Ummm, erra, who is this again?

That my friends is how politics really works. Do I have proof that this conversation actually happened? No more proof than that it didn't happen.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

All You Zombies Show Your Faces

Cold-hearted, mean-spirited people who were unlikely moved in any way by Barack Obama's Inauguration yesterday:

1. Rush Limbaugh
2. My ex-wife
3. Sean Hannity
4. Mr. Potter (from A Wonderful Life in case you didn't get it)
5. Voldemort

Whoa, Oulsham, are you telling me you are a BASTARD now?

Well, there are some (see items #2 and #5) who might disagree, but no, I'm not really changing my stance at all.

Do I want Mr. Obama's programs to be passed wholesale? Absolutely not.

Will I continue to call Barack Obama Barack America? Absolutely.

After yesterday, do I think Obama is as leftist as I once did? No, which will cause agita amongst the leftists.

Do I think he might be the right leader at the right time for this country? It's very possible.

Do I believe he believes in the same America I believe in? Yes, with some small differences.

I was moved and enthused about the seamless way our country can do things it sets it's mind to. I wish Mr. Obama all the best regards I can muster and I truly hope he is guided to do the right thing for me, for you, for your family and mine. It's just that I hope and pray Mr. Obama realizes that sometimes doing the right thing is doing less than you think you should.

Tomorrow I will probably be back to my regular self, but for today, I say, this whole America thing is pretty damned cool.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

An Inaugural Conversation Overheard

Television: picture of G.W. Bush.

First Person: Oh there's that idiot.

Second person: I voted for him twice.

FP: You voted for him twice and you're proud of it?

SP: Yup.

First Person storms off in a huff.

The New Tone?

"...the brown man will stick around, the redman will get ahead man, the yellow man will get mellow, and white will embrace what is right."

Robert Lowry is the fool who said this. He may be a pastor who worked with MLK, but if that is not the rhetoric of division I don't know what is.

What if I made the speech and I said something like, "the brown man will get down, and the white man will wear jack boots and goose step down Main Street?" I don't think it would go over very well.

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Blackberries Are Annoying

Enough already with Barack America's Blackberry. I don't care that he has a Blackberry. I could afford one, I've just made the choice not to have one. That doesn't make me any less a cool cat than Obama is. In fact, if Obama feels his Blackberry is so necessary why doesn't he just buy one for everyone? Huh?

If I Wanted A Royal Family I'd Move To England

Michelle Obama is wearing a muted cream cape-looking thing. Not flashy at all. Mrs. "I Shouldn't Open My Mouth Just Like My Husband" Biden looks extraordinary in her red, flashy outfit. Scrumptious.

Mrs. Obama brought a box of cookies or something to Mrs. Bush. If I were Laura I'd get Lynn Cheney to eat one first.

American Icons Who Became Laughingstocks After The American People Got Tired Of Them

1. The Fonz
2. Alf
3. Jimmy Carter
4. Paula Abdul
5. Billy Ray Cyrus
6. C.W. McCall
7. Motley Crue
8. Those kids on Saved By The Bell
9. Pet Rocks
10. ?????? ?????

I'm just sayin'... hype has killed more promise than lack of ability.

The Inauguration

On January 20, 1977 I watched the inauguration of Jimmy Carter in an electronics lab. I was a high school junior and we were pretty much the only kids in school with access to TVs. My hair was somewhat longer (and less grayer) than it is now. I was wearing jeans, work boots, a thermal, a flannel, and a pocket tee. I was afraid of Jimmy Carter because my favorite band (the Allman Brothers) were instrumental in getting him elected and they were nothing but a bunch of drug addicts.

Today I will watch the inauguration of Barack Obama in an electronics lab. I am the only one in my office with access to a TV, so I will be joined by several Obama fans. My hair is short and mostly gray, but my clothes are pretty much identical. I am afraid of Barack Obama because the people who got him elected think the government should take over banks, and car companies, and health care, and, well, quite frankly, you and me.

Comparing the two, it appears as if nothing much has changed. That may or may not be true, and only the future will bear witness to the differences. I wish Mr. Obama health and wisdom, but herein lies the paradox. I don't really wish for him to be successful, because I truly believe his success will not benefit our country. What he plans to do runs counter to everything I believe about America. So do I wish for him to fail? I can't in good conscience do that either because that is also un-American. What I wish is that he begins to view the unalienable truths of what made America great in a more favorable light so he can begin to lead the country down the path to the recovery of those principles.

So, after everyone is done patting themselves on the back for electing a black man to the White House (which, by the way, is an incredibly racist thought process), let's get back to reality and start moving this country forward again.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Further Evidence That The End Is Near (Or Should Be If It's Not)

Today I got to watch a video called "Baby Signing Time." Now, in and of itself it's funny that I got paid to watch a video called "Baby Signing Time", but that's not what I'm on about right now.

I'm watching this video and there's this overly sincere mom-looking woman singing to me about the signs for "horse," and "food," and "more," so I guess I can now sign "more horse food." Then comes all of these odd Stepford Children, looking bored or possibly incoherent and not understanding what exactly it is that their stage moms are making them do. Next I learned the sign for "diaper" and "potty" so the next time I'm in a rush I'll be okay. But this started to disturb me.

Then the sincere lady started singing a song that said that both of us (I guess her and her kid) have something to say and something about discovering each other everyday. At this point I became frightened for the future of society and I did some research.

It turns out I was not watching a video that helps teach little kids how to communicate with deaf relatives, which is what I, as a normal person, thought I was watching. No, I was watching a video that proposes to teach 3 month to 13 month old children how to communicate. And more importantly, as advertised, it proposes to eliminate tantrums completely. This is done through rhymes and stories and dance routines. First of all, you dopes, you're teaching infants how to communicate using language and cognitive skills they haven't developed yet. Anyway, what three-month-old do you know who knows what a cow is so they can comprehend that the sign for milk is "kind of like milking a cow"? Most 3-month old kids don't know what their hands are, let alone farm animals and how to get milk out of them.

Second of all, you morons, instead of sticking the little stinker in front of the TV and hoping you'll magically develop that awesome relationship with your baby you always wanted, why not, like, I don't know, try doing something like interacting, or playing a game, or going for a walk? You'll get to know your kid soon enough, and it's not always the treat you dreamed it would be.

"For the sign for water, you make a double-u with your fingers and press it to your chin." Okay, if my three-month old knew what a double-u was I wouldn't have to teach her to sign. I could just teach her to spell water with her magnetic letter set, and besides, three month olds aren't supposed to drink water. Nincompoop.

"Baby, baby, baby signing time. You can share what's on your mind..." Seriously, I am afraid of the parent who embraces this. Whaddya wanna bet the woman who wrote and produced this has a front row seat at Obama's coronation tomorrow?

I Cannot Contain My Excitement

I am giddy with joy, with glee, with amazement, that I am actually going to be alive during the Second Coming. Ever since I was knee-high to a grasshopper (okay, what exactly the hell does that mean anyway?) I have wondered if my life arc would include the Second Coming. You all probably have wondered the same thing.

Well the answer seems to be 'yes.' In 1976 we elected Jimmah Cartah and he was horrible but everyone wanted change, no matter what kind of change it was, so Grownup People Back Then (GPBT) allowed him to almost destroy the country and cause my first car loan to have an APR of 21%. And now we have Barack America, who is most likely going to be the Second Coming of Jimmah Cahtah. Can you say 25% inflation? I think you can, or at least you will this time next year if you all keep letting Barack America think he's on the right path.

"Oulsham you are a jackass, you have not even waited until the man ascends to the White House Oval Office Desk Chair (WHOODC) to begin his rule and you are denigrating him. Isn't that racist, unpatriotic, rash, idiotic and just plain mean of you?"

No, no, probably not, no and no, say I.

The difference between me and the Barack America Sycophants That Always React Dumbly and Stupidly (BASTARDS) is that I don't believe we as human beings should ever depend on elected officials - governmental, religious, or cultural - to put meaning in our lives, so therefore I am never disappointed by the fools we put in charge.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

WWBOD? (I Should Be In Church Edition)

The Sunday news programs ran several stories on people from across the country making pilgrimages to Washington for the inauguration. Some of these people had only enough money for gas to get there. Without money or accomodations, they were planning on camping in Maryland and not worrying about getting back home.

The Webster's Big Red Giant Dictionary of English Words that sits on my desk defines pilgrimage as: "a journey a pilgrim makes." This definition required me to then look up the definition for pilgrim. Luckily it was the next word up. Pilgrim: "a person who makes a journey to some sacred place as an act of religious devotion." This troubled me. Because once again, a hack Chicago Democrat with a penchant for looking sincere and throwing a decent prepared line out of his lips has been elevated to Jesus Status.

So if all of these pilgrims are travelling to Washington, and many of these pilgrims have not shelter or sustenance, is it out of line for me to ask if Barack America is going to change their bottled water into bottled wine coolers? Maybe he will then change those horrifyingly damp and cold street vendor pretzels into nice Tilapia filets for the masses? Maybe if it snows he won't need snowshoes? Okay, that last one is a little obscure, but if you think on it long enough...

Anyway, we live in a country that has lost its collective grip on reality. This bodes not well my friends for the sycophants who think Barack America is going to magically transform our nation into one vast Emerald City complete with changing color horses and short people with green cloaks guarding the doors.

My friends, America sucks based on what its elected officials do, and America is great based on what its people do.

Friday, January 16, 2009

TWIR - Unspecial Edition

This week's TWIR is brought to you by Al Gore and the Coalition of Love and Desire for Global Warming (COLD Global Warming). Okay, you come up with something clever to let everyone know how cold they are and how foolish The Church of Global Warming is, smarty pants.

1. It is very cold outside, but it will not snow within 1 mile of my house this year because I finally broke down and bought a snow blower. They call them snow throwers now.

2. There were several amazing heroes involved in yesterday's Hudson River airliner ditching. It's nice to see the politicians and government officials get elbowed out of the way by the regular people who make the world work in ordinary and extraordinary circumstances.

3. Are you all excited for the start of Barack America's rule on Tuesday? I know I'm hammered about the $100,000,000 cost for the coronation, but apparently no one else cares.

4. I saw a frozen turkey on the side of the road this morning. No, not a wildlife creature, this was a real-life supermarket turkey in the plastic wrap with that green netting stuff still on it. If you're missing a frozen turkey, give me a shout.

5. One month until pitchers and catchers report.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Barack America's Hundred Million Dollar Coronation

In 2005, everybody, the media, the Left, you, me, everybody, was up in arms about the cost of GW's second inauguration. That was $40 million. Barack America's inauguration will cost $100 million dollars, or about the same amount of money Dr. Evil would demand to keep the world from getting blown up. Adjusting for inflation, that's about a $60 million increase in 2005 dollars.

No one seems to care. People thought it was cruel for Bush to be extravagant when soldiers were dying overseas, and the economy was bad, and mom's couldn't find enough change under the seat to put gas in the Escalade. Now, GW has had to declare a state of emergency in DC to free up the funds to pay for Barack America's party.

And no one seems to care. We are bowing down to that most basic tribal need to have someone grand in charge and we're willing to give up what used to be our national identity to achieve it.

I am just amazed that no one seems to care. We are throwing good money after bad, non-existent money after bad, we can't build, sell, buy, defend or protect a thing but we're all willing to ignore a $60 million increase for a party for a the new President - a president who can't name a Cabinet member without some sort of controversy. A president who is clearly clueless about what this country needs from him.

America, I hope you enjoy your $100 million coronation for Barack America, because the future is going to come back and make you pay for it in more ways than one.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Oulsham Goes Hollywood?

Probably not, but before we get started with today's installment of Shameless Self-Promotion, how about that Barack America Treasury Secretary nominee who "forgot" to pay his taxes. Dude, nobody "forgets" to pay their taxes, people just think they are above paying them. That's some change we've got there Mr. America, it's just that when the acolytes who voted for you voted for "change" I don't think they meant more corruption.

Anyway, back to me. Two cool things are in the works. One is that music from the project that is finally going to be released next week after 15 months of work has been picked up for possible inclusion in a real-life Hollywood movie by some industry people who found me, (which makes it more intriguing). Get out! No, I am staying right here! Seriously? Yup. Chances of successfully closing the deal = 2%, but it might be a very lucrative 2%.

Secondly, last fall The Blog got picked up by a soon-to-be-running-for-governor-of-New-Jersey-conservative candidate and I even got to go to an invite-only news tele-conference with some serious NJ politicos and everything. This means the Blog may be selling out in February and going to a new, proprietary website, which means having to take advertising to pay for it, but hey, I'm a capitalist and all of this brilliance doesn't just happen for free, you know? Plus, if there is any way, any infinitesimally small way, I can help get Jon Corzine out of Trenton, I will do what it takes.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

One Cold Foot

So this Roland Burris thing would be hysterical if it wasn't so symptomatic of the utter stupidity we Americans have allowed to take over our daily lives. First the Senate won't accept Burris, then they think he is articulate and presents himself well, (hell I was even offended by that patronizingly hidden racial attack and I don't offend easily), then the Senate welcomes him with open arms. And you people out there think the government is going to successfully protect your interests when it comes to the economy?

Our dogs like to pick up shoes when we come home and prance around the house with them. It makes them happy. They are idiots. Once in a while a dog escapes into the backyard with - more likely than not - one of my shoes. Dog #2, apparently offended by my stated desire to have the Particle Smasher Black Hole come up through my yard and pull him into it, took my left shoe and brought it to his favorite tree, where he left it for like three days. My left foot is unreasonably cold this morning.

Tommy, the moron dog, has failed to protect the warmth of my left foot through selfishness, negligence and an utter disregard for my personal safety and comfort. Tommy is not articulate and he presents himself rather poorly most of the time, therefore I guess he'll never get elected or appointed to the US Senate. But then again, Joe Biden is our Vice President.

Am I the only one paying attention?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Eagles vs. Giants

People write me letters all the time, or they stop me at the convenience store and ask, "why are you a Saints fan?" I refuse to answer them.

But let's examine the Eagles-Giants game at little closer.

Eagles fans are like that annoying kid who lives a couple of blocks away who always comes over and ruins your basketball or kickball game by bragging and trying way too hard even though he stinks at both games. You know the type: you tell him you just got a puppy, and he tells you he just got a mini-bike. You tell him your family is going to the Boardwalk and he tells you his family owns the Boardwalk.

Giants fans are however an entirely different beast. They're like the rich kid down the street who's mom is always driving him around in their new European car and she looks and acts like she's all hot and everything and you know that's just horrible to contemplate, plus he always has the best sports equipment. Which you could live with except he is always reminding you of both. Girls think he's cute which is hard to fathom because he's such a dork. The problem with this kid is he's obnoxious but he usually plants himself on the winning team so there is no way to throttle his obnoxiousness back.

I am glad the Eagles beat the Giants because listening to Eagles fans gloat will be a needed change from listening to Giants fans gloat. I'll probably root for the Cardinals next week because they're like regular people - they lose almost all the time but sometimes they get a shot.

By the way, just like in baseball and the AL, I really don't recognize the AFC so I can't write about it.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Obamanomics. Will Carter Look Like A Great President Compared to Barack America?

Yes, I think so. It is obvious this Obama fella knows nothing - about anything. So to all of you tools out there who voted for him, what do you have to say for yourself now? He hasn't even been inaugurated yet and I am declaring him the Worst President In Most Likely Forever.

A President who says, and I am paraphrasing here, "we have ideas but if anyone's got any better ideas we'd be open to them," is a jackass. What an absolutely moronic thing to say. This dope is the leader of the free world and he's basically soliciting ideas on how to fix the economy? Even George W. is smirking at this one.

Well, Mr. America, since you axed, here are some of my suggestions for fixing the economy:

1. Stop with the bailouts, you idiots. Think of the economy like bad acne, really bad acne. You want to go out in public but, my gosh, you got some real zit-zingers on your face. So what do you do? You pile tons of makeup or Clearasil on your face and you go out in public thinking people won't notice. They do. And all that gunk on your face just makes your acne worse. That my friends is how bailouts work.

2. Stop with the "jump starting" of the economy. Creating three million jobs digging ditches for public works projects is just stupid. For an analogy of how that works see Item #1.

3. Stop talking down the economy and the country. This is a crisis of confidence (thank you Ronald Reagan), and every time Barack America points out how bad our collective acne is all we do is bow our heads and sheepishly retreat to our Elton John and Air Supply records as we pine for the day our acne goes away, meanwhile doing nothing like stopping eating chocolate to help us on our path to great skin. For those of you having trouble following this, chocolate plays the role of "credit" or "credit card" in this skit.

4. Eliminate success taxes like income and capital gains and institute across the board consumption taxes like sales and use taxes. I know the CPA's will get their wingtips all muddy as they mount giant protests on the Mall, but seriously, this tax nonsense has got to stop.

5. Turn off the news.

Friday, January 9, 2009

END OF THE WORLD EXTRA! English People Insist UFO Hit Their Big Fan!

As if the TWIR - End Of The World Edition wasn't enough to make you up your Zanax and Paxcil prescriptions, the The Sun is reporting that a UFO smashed a giant wind turbine in Louth, Lincolnshire, and to make matters worse it apparently made off with one of the 65 foot turbine blades. This story is somewhat suspect to me because I thought English people measured things in metric, but anyway, here's the story:

UFO Sideswipes Big English Fan!

TWIR - End Of The World Edition

Two boys in Woonsocket (imagine how annoying that sounds with the local Red Sawx Nation accent), Rhode Island, were late to school Thursday so they stole a car to get there. One had an in-school suspension and I guess he didn't want anymore demerits. While I admire their get-to-school-on-time-at-all-costs mentality, they shouldn't be so worried.

To start the new year off, The Blog will celebrate with an End Of The World Edition by illustrating how unnecessary all of our angst is.

1. Scientists expect major solar flares in the next three years that could ultimately knock out our tech grid for months to come. This could lead to a loss of government control, which would probably make Barack America a little angry.

2. Scientists released a report this week citing five possible causes for the end of the world, they included volcanoes (help me Dan Quayle!), nuclear war, a Black Hole and an asteroid hit, but Global Warming was not on the list. You see, we're all going to perish from Global Warming but the planet and lizards in Florida will do just fine.

3. That stupid particle smasher accelerator thing in Switzerland is going to start up again in spring which will cause a Black Hole to shoot out of the Indian Ocean. If I draw a line through the Earth from my House I wind up in the Indian Ocean which means the Black Hole could shoot out of my Backyard. Gee, I hope Dog #2 isn't standing there when it happens.

4. There are unusual seismic activities at Yellowstone National Park which could lead to the Doomsday Volcano which will knock out the entire western United States to the Mississippi River. But according to that Russian poli-sci professor, that's going to be China's problem anyway.

5. Palestinians are accusing Christian Fundamentalists in the United States of supporting Israel so Israel will win and Jesus will return or something like that. If this is the case I can only hope and pray that Jesus has a Sense Of Humor when He calls my number.

Hopefully there will be another TWIR next week...if there is a next week.

(Disclaimer: I know how and what to capitalize. The items that were incorrectly capitalized in this week's TWIR were done so on purpose.)

Thursday, January 8, 2009


That's right, as far as I know, this is the first time "Obamanomics" is appearing anywhere. Now if I only had any money to get a lawyer to trademark it (see story on kidney lawsuit).

Anyway, the thing that occurs to me as I watch the news is that our esteemed media in this country is really nothing more than Pravda-Lite. Pravda was the official news arm of the communist party in the USSR and as such only reported what the party wanted reported about what the party was doing.

Since when did everything - every single thing - that happens in this country revolve around what the government is doing or is going to do? What utter non-sense. On the rare occasions I hear a story about those of us in the private sector, it ultimately reverts back to telling me what the government is doing for or to them.

Why are there no stories about what people do independently of the government? Why is Wall Street looking to what the government says or does before making its mind up whether to buy or sell? Exactly what the hell is going anymore?

Whether you like it or not folks, you are living in a socialist state under a government with tentacles that reach into every aspect of your lives. And we've got no one to blame but ourselves. Well, I'm not to blame because I vote against incumbents and against government power every time I vote. But the masses, well, you people in the masses are another story. I hope our grandchildren enjoy paying off the debts incurred by our inability to understand civics and markets. The only problem is our grandchildren won't be paying in dollars, they'll be paying with loss of freedom, loss of opportunity, loss of generalized wealth and loss of autonomy.

Trust me, Obamanomics is not a good thing.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Keep The Dog, I Want My Kidney Back

Four years ago, a doctor in Ronkonkoma, NY, donated a kidney to his wife. A little less than four years later, she left him. Now he is suing her to get the kidney back or for $1.5 million, his estimated value of the kidney's worth.

I am very much in favor of this lawsuit, and quite frankly I hope the judge orders the return of the kidney. This could be ground breaking and cause the return of things like improperly received body parts, damaged reputations and monies received under false pretense, or fair market value of same, from undeserving ex-spouses all across this great land of ours.

I Am Embarassed By Anne Coulter

I have been listening to Ms. Coulter slam The Today Show for two days now because she was bumped Tuesday from an appearance to plug her book. She was on this morning and was the most ungracious, small-minded, petulant, snarkey, snarly, and snotty guest I have ever seen. She tried to attack Matt Lauer but wound up coming off like a jerk. You all know I am no big fan of the Today Show, but I happen to be fond of decorum and good manners.

In the phrase-coining of the year, the S.O. dubbed Ms. Coulter's appearance a "rage-o-rama." This will become a permanent part of The Blog's lexicon.

Ms. Coulter did nothing more than prove the point of people who misunderstand what it means to be "conservative" by being so completely devoid of intelligence and civility. If being a "conservative" in this country now means ascribing to Ms. Coulter's small-minded theatrics and ill-prepared talking points then I am truly going to embrace anarchism, (I'm getting closer everyday but there's still that no property ownership thing and quite frankly everyone but me needs a little government in their lives).

Boycott Anne Coulter and her "conservative" henchmen who include Sean Hannity. These fools are going to destroy the meaning of "conservatism" for generations to come.

Monday, January 5, 2009

The Long-Anticipated Oulsham New Year's Resolutions

In 2004 I resolved to drink more beer. I didn't. In fact, I really don't like beer all that much anymore. That was the first resolution I'd made in a long time and I haven't made one since.

A drunk lady in 1985 (or '86 depending on what time it was) told me, very drunkenly, not to be "a jerk for '86." I couldn't even keep her resolution, not that I tried all that much.

I never keep my New Years Resolutions, but I desperately want to be like other people so I can fit in at cocktail parties and awkward parking lot conversations, so I am going to make some resolutions for 2009. My plan is that since I can't keep my resolutions, things will work out for me.

1. I resolve to eat myself into oblivion. My goal weight by October is 335.

2. I resolve to not exercise. When I go to the mall, I will rent one of those little scooters. This will not only help keep my resolution, it will provide hours of fun terrorizing the masses.

3. I resolve not to be tolerant of morons. This is actually going to be a fairly easy one to keep, though.

4. I resolve to be a worse person than I already am, and I will make no attempt to reach my past goal of seeing the good in people.

5. I resolve not to "go green." In fact, it is my intention for 2009 to waste as many resources as I can so there's nothing left for those damned foreigners.

I'll keep you posted...