Thursday, October 30, 2008

Andy Rooney Thursday

I heard about a new disease today. I like to hear about new diseases. You might say I collect them. This disease is called phonagnosia and it's the inability to recognize voices that should be familiar to you. The woman in the story could only recognize Sean Connery's voice. I thought about that, and if I could recognize only one voice I want it to be Eva Gabor.

I watched Obama on TV last night. I was dismayed to see that according to our next President, this is a country where only suffering exists and failed people live. Or is it that Obama would like us to believe that so we will depend on him? Maybe he doesn't like people who work hard - get off their asses so to speak instead of whining about a problem or lying in bed moaning about it, because they won't vote for him.

The Phillies won the World Series last night. Good for them. I like the Phillies. They all have nice facial hair and I think most of them use hair gel. Why is it called the World Series though? Did Namibia have a team entered in the Series? Burkina Faso? I think not. Maybe they should call it the American Series instead.

I like Diet Pepsi better than Diet Coke, but I'll drink Diet Coke if no Diet Pepsi is around. I noticed women like to drink Dr. Pepper. I think it's the flavor, but I can't be sure.

Don't forget to vote on Tuesday for the candidate of my choice.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Tonight you will hear the single greatest conservative orator since, well, ever. You will tune into Barack America's 8:00 PM sitcom / dramedy on Barack America TV and you will be transfixed. He will say all of the right things and you will get googly-eyed and dream about spooning with him when the show is over. He will tell you he is not like all the other Socialists who have come before him. He will tell you that Americans like small government and want to be left alone. You will buy it. You are getting sleepy. You are getting sleepy. Later he will tell you that you are a chicken and he wants you to stick your hands under your arms and strut around the farmyard pecking at the kernels of corn on the ground. You will do this until he snaps his fingers.

Not surprisingly, McCain will be on Larry King Live, home of the pertinent as they compare age spots.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


So a lot of the attacks on Barack America are being sloughed off as being just part of that famous Right Wing Conspiracy. While it is true that in an election season its hard to know what the truth is, you have to admit there's a lot of stuff out there. The Republicans can barely run a campaign let alone make up story after story about Barack America, so I have to think in there some where is some truth.

The Case Against John McCain

1. Member of the Keating Five.
2. Wife acquired painkillers illegally.
3. Sarah Palin fired a State Trooper.
4. Sarah Palin wears expensive clothes.
5. Sarah Palin has teenaged daughter who is pregnant.
6. McCain is proud of the horrible Campaign Finance Reform Act.

The Case Against Barack Obama

1. May not actually be a natural born citizen of the US.
2. Clearly support Hamas and PLO over right of Israel.
3. Supporter of Marxist economic theories since college.
4. Refuses to disavow relationship with William Ayers.
5. Refuses to disavow relationship with Reverend Jeremiah Wright.
6. Refuses to explain relationship with Tony Rezko.
7. Refuses to explain relationship with Khalid Rashedi.
8. States that US Constitution presented the blindspot which is "fundamental flaw" of our country.
9. Believes economic re-distribution cannot be attained through the courts and that that is a tragedy.
10. Refuses to release medical, birth, college records.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Go Phillies!

Hopefully tonight I'll be up way too late so I can be tired and cranky tomorrow after celebrating the Phillies winning the Worlds Series.

Politics tomorrow - tonight is all about baseball.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

An Oulsham Restaurant Review

Friday is generally pizza day for me, or sometimes ham, cheese and cappicola day if I'm not in the mood for pizza. So I'm standing in line at a little pizza joint near the Oulsham Place of Employment when the unthinkable happened.

Just so you know, I try to be germ-phobic and I avoid dirt near my food almost all the time. To the point that I am still functional in the real world, I am successful.

A landscaper dude left the back of the restaurant after eating his lunch without first washing his super-dirty landscaper hands. These puppies were grimy. But hey, that's his problem sez I.

Until the owner of the pizza joint spotted our landscaper - who was obviously an old friend or a very good customer - and reached out and shook the landscaper's really filthy hand. "Hey how you doin?" "No, how you doin?"

Well frankly at this point I wasn't doing too well and I became quite distracted at the spectacle. The pizza owner guy finished shaking the landscaper's horribly unclean hand and then...turned to me...and...asked me...what I wanted to order.

I stood there, frozen, staring at the unclean hand of the landscaper as he grabbed a toothpick and left the building. I could not speak. I could not think. I was in mental lockdown.

"Sir, what can I get you," the impatient pizza owner dude repeated.

"Ummm, I really can't eat here," was all I could think to say. Without pausing I walked to the door and left. I went next door to the Chinese place and ordered Chicken in Garlic sauce. Chinese is usually Thursday, so now I will be behind a day until next week.

I'm not saying this actually happened at the place with the name of Juliet's boyfriend at the corner of Main Street and School Road in Marlboro, New Jersey, yesterday at 1:35 PM. But I'm not saying it happened somewhere else either.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Sheep Farts Not As Bad As You Think

Remember when sheep farts were blamed for ripping a hole in the ozone?

In a development at least as important as the upcoming election, scientists have determined that hydrogen sulfide, the compound that makes your family leave the room after you blame one on the dog, is actually active in making your blood pressure go down.

Scientists put tiny blood pressure cuffs on hypertensive rats (seriously, they really did) and gave them doses of hydrogen sulfide, and voila, the poor little rats' blood pressure decreased by as much as 20%.

Breath deep and relax my friends.


1. The markets will continue to be unstable until after the election. The markets aren't concerned with who wins, they're simply concerned with the obvious instability this country is projecting through it's divisiveness and acrimony.

2. Obama is flying to Hawaii today for a family emergency. Who's paying for the flight? I'm just asking.

3. Being a non-Liberal and watching NBC News is kind of like being forced to eat dinner at your ex-spouse's house everyday so you can be told how completely and utterly wrong you are about everything - always.

4. Oil is below $69 / barrel. Why is this country not screaming about alternative fuels? Because we are lazy with the attention spans of gnats.

5. That's it. Can't wait for the election to be over.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

BIG NEWS ABout Sarah Palin!

Her wardrobe cost $150,000.

I guess this means Mr. and Mrs. Obama's clothes were free. Joe Biden's too. And McCain.

It's a good thing nothing important is going on, like economic disaster, spreading terrorist fervor, energy costs, and dumb things like that.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I Told You Biden Was Fun

Hehehehehe. Jackass. And just think, we've got four years of him and his little buddy to entertain us with their gaffes.

If Sarah Palin had said what Joe Biden said about an imminent attack to this country, the entire country would be up in arms, screaming that either Palin knows something we don't, or that she is incapable of speaking in a manner suiting the position she seeks.

Palin is busy with the "paling around with terrorists" non-sense.
Obama is busy describing how he will re-distribute the wealth in this country.
Biden is busy being Biden.

And John McCain is acting like those damned squirrels that constantly run in front of me while I am driving and singing Mr. Bojangles at the top of me lungs. This way. No wait! That way! Up the telephone pole! Hang upside down! Back into the street!


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Help Define Your Political Position

Two weeks from tonight the world is going to end. No matter which major party candidate wins, we move closer to Socialism.

I urge everyone to go to and take the 2008 Election Quiz:
(Sorry I couldn't get the link to insert properly). Take the quiz. Be true to your beliefs and vote for the candidate who supports you. We have it wrong, we should vote for the candidate who supports us, not the other way around.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Lucky Bastards! Oulsham Has More To Say.

Way back a long time ago I wrote something brilliant and I tried to find it but I really didn't want to spend all night proving my brilliance when I am quite sure of its existence.

Anyway, I said in February or March that a Barack America presidency would be preferable to a John McCain presidency because of the tendency in this country to vote opposite the Executive branch's party at the midterms.

McCain is not a Conservative, and he is barely a Country Club Republican. At the midterm we will get a Liberal Congress which means McCain, who is like 2 degrees to the right of Barack America, will have unchecked policy instigation. Barack America however will get a Conservative Congress at the midterm which will effectively shut his 2 degrees to the Left of McCain policy initiatives down completely.

Look, I think both candidates are horrible because I don't believe what they believe, I do not however buy into the fear-mongering Right Wing in this country who thinks they can win an election because of someones last name. Barack Hussein America is not going to lead the country to Sharia Law so get a grip and loosen your Depends. Sometimes people get stuck with really horrible middle names. I seriously knew someone who's middle name was Matilda.

As I struggle to vote for the best candidate out of two stinkers, I am forced to look at the big picture, and the big picture to me is the midterms in 2010. (Being a Saints fan, I learned from a young age to forget about the current season because it's lost forever and to look to the next season when we will win it all. Hope springs eternal in my heart.)

Still not an endorsement.

Warren G. Harding & Barack America

Warren G. Harding was an affable US Senator who really, really, liked being a Senator. But the political machine in Ohio really, really, needed a President they could, um, count for favors and things. Warren G. Harding had no real political experience, but he was affable and people liked him.

President Harding died before the end of his first term. A death that was suspicious because he wasn't really ill and his wife refused to let an autopsy be performed. Some people think she poisoned him. Scandal infected his presidency and he was about to be impeached. The Great Depression started like 6 years after he left office.

You can make of this what you want.

Saturday, October 18, 2008


Blurg. I cannot wait until the election is over.

1. I'm back to my original opinion on the two stuffed suits running to be My Dad. There really isn't much difference between the two. Obama wants to spread the wealth around and McCain wants to bail out everyone who's ever made a bad decision. So every time you get up in arms about one or the other, take a breath and realize that Neo-Socialism is in, and you are out - no matter who wins.

2. Sarah Palin will be the first lady president. 2016.

3. I am going to invent cat-flavored dog treats. Cats have fish-flavored cat treats, but surprisingly no bird-flavored treats. I don't count chicken as a bird - chicken is not an animal anymore it is a farm commodity. So first I make the dogs equal with cat-flavored treats, then I lift up the cats with bird-flavored treats and then I stop because birds are not equal.

4. I've noticed there are only flaming Liberals, no flaming Conservatives, and only staunch Conservatives, no staunch Liberals. I'm not sure this is fair.

That's it, I got nothing until this blasted election is over.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

World Series

My team is in the World Series, and it's very likely your team will not be, unless you're one of the 800 Tampa Ray fans spread throughout the country.

Didn't watch the debate last night, not one minute. I watched Philadelphia dismantle the Dodgers. That was fun. Can't wait until Monday.

My Phillie allegiances run deep. I was there in 1980 when they won it all; I was there in 1983 when they lost it all. In 1993 I scrambled hard to take the Oldest Sham and me to a game, but alas, no tickets were to be had. I'll be on the hunt again this time around.

Go Phillies!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Oulsham Expands His Mind

As if there was room.

Anyway, being tired of having incredible wagon wheel making skills in a Model T world, I decided to become The World's Oldest College Student. For various reasons, including work, family, demanding but uncooperative ex-wives, and plain lack of enthusiasm, I never finished college. Now after work I go to school so I can become somebody - or a history teacher, whichever comes first.

Today was the first meeting of my Sociology class. I hate Sociology classes because they are usually infested with pale skinned, whiney, left leaning malcontents telling me how wrong I am about everything.

Well not this semester! My professor could body double for George Carlin, except he's far more angry and non-liberal than George. In fact, he makes me look like Maurice Chevalier to his Robes-Pierre.

Definitely gonna ace this class.

The Silent Obama - Terrorist Connection

Here's one you haven't been allowed to hear yet.

Jesse Jackson said yesterday that years of putting Israel first will end under the Barack America presidency and that "Zionists have controlled American policy for decades and will lose their clout" under a Barack America administration. Barack America's camp was quick to put out a statement distancing itself from Jackson's comments.


Barack and Michelle are very tight friends with Khalid Rashedi, a former PLO spokesman and negotiator for the Palestinians. According to Barack America, Rashedi "opened [his] eyes to a different point of view."

I like different point of views, and in fact I try to avoid people with limited POVs, but, there has to come a point where Americans begin to question at least something about their presumptive next president and the direction his beliefs will take us all in the next four years.

Seriously, maybe if the Republicans stopped the shocking headline, email scare-tactic crap and started really pushing the issues, comfortable or not, the country could really make an informed decision.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Monday, October 13, 2008

Happy Columbus Day

My kids were all taught in school that Christopher Columbus brought famine, disease, pestilence, muffin-top pants, P-Diddy and Raman noodles to the New World and that all of this so annoyed the aboriginal peoples that they packed up and moved to squalid Indian Reservations northwest of Santa Fe, NM.

Yet we ignore all of this history and celebrate Columbus Day anyway.

Saturday, October 11, 2008


Well, until next time.

Anyway, what kind of Jackass would suspend Jackass Week, or any other similar campaign just because there's an emergency somewhere he can do nothing about except maybe get some press so he can fool gullible people? If I was running for President and I suspended Jackass Week I would hope you people would question my sanity.

Contrary to statements made earlier this week, I will not vote for Barack America. I will take some Imodium, put a clothespin on my nose, wear latex gloves and vote for John McCain. McCain is going to lose anyway, so at least I will be able to complain loudly when Barack America proves himself inept.

There is no winner this time around because Jackass Week was suspended, but here's a few random, somewhat Jackass related thoughts...

Physicists posit that gravity is am extremely weak force. I fell through a ceiling once doing an attic cable run. The board I was standing on was weak, gravity was not. I have the scars to prove it.

Crazy, scared, naive investors are causing the Dow and other markets to plummet, nothing else. Once everyone gets over themselves, the Dow will turn around. Wall Street people were already somewhat positive as they left for the weekend yesterday.

I don't care what happens to Big Auto, any of them. Sell cars people can afford, and then sell cars people want. If people want to spend $50,000 on a car I say fair play to them, but how short-sighted is it to push all facets of the market in that direction? Tough, say I.

I don't care what happens to banks that over-extend themselves, much like I don't care about people who take when the taking is good never expecting that give-back time is right around the corner. The markets regulate themselves, even if it hurts sometimes. Government only screws things up for the long haul. Think if you had gangrene...the government's solution is Iodine on the wound so you don't hurt so bad and still like them. You all know what the other solution is...

If The People are in the business of giving credit and they start getting hungry and their wives get mad at them because they bring home dinky little paychecks that remind their wives of other mistakes they've made, The People will figure out a way to give credit.

Likewise every other way The People make money. Let the markets drop the bad fruit and caress the good. As long as The People like food and warmth and an occasional Coors Light, The People will figure it out.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


This episode of Jackass Week has been pre-empted due to a dire national emergency. I watched the debate last night and I'm stewed.

McCain is now announcing a $300,000,000,000 federal program to purchase bad mortgages to keep homeowners in their homes. Now, I will admit that this sucks for them, but between McCain's proposal and the $700,000,000,000 bailout that I guess is working because the Dow isn't worth zero yet, we will be spending 1,000,000,000,000 to correct bad decisions, greed and corruption. My truck has 135,000 miles on it and it won't be paid off until June. I am in negative equity on the truck. My hand is out and I am switching my weight between my feet and sighing impatiently but no one is coming to my rescue.

I cannot support any more stupid bailouts for every Tom, Dick and Harry that made a mistake. Whether the mistake was out of naivete, ignorance, hubris or criminal mentality, I will simply not support bailouts, especially based on the fact that the market seems to be immune from the bailout we just passed. Manipulating the value of real estate in this country through artificial mortgage holdings and value manipulation will make the 1970's and 1930's look like the 1980's in comparison.

This is a deal breaker for me, so as long as McCain supports this stupid election season stunt, I cannot vote for him. Yup, I'll press the lever for Barack America, that's how serious I am about this. Joe Biden said this morning that this program is already in the Bill that was passed, and as far as I've been able to find out, he is wrong. Here's a few other things Biden got wrong:,2933,433314,00.html The thing is, I am voting for President, not Veep, so as fun as it is to rock Biden's world, we're in some serious swamps here and the alligators are swimming in our direction.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

You Might Be A Jackass If...

During the 1990's I would get a twitch either over my left eye or my right upper lip. Gorilla My Dreams was the root cause and luckily the twitch has been gone for a while now... until last night during the last quarter of the Saints - Vikings game. You think I'm a little too caught up in football this year? Let's get back to our Jackass Week Festivities.

You might be a jackass if...

you are Nancy Pelosi and you thought oil would never fall below $100 / barrel...ever and you wanted to save the world so you refused to allow Congress to vote on a critical bill that you agreed we need but were afraid would make your party look bad. By the way, light sweet is $87.80 / barrel as of this writing.

you get in a snit and stay there for obtuse amounts of time. Whether it's politics, work, sports or religion, seriously, have you ever met anyone is either 100% wrong or 100% right?

you look like you should be making pizzas in Belleville but you're missing field goals in the Superdome on a Monday night against a team you should have beat but you can't kick the freakin' football to save your life and your jersey number is #1 and this is the second time in three weeks you caused my team to lose a game it should've won but you are horrible and so is your pizza and your brother Mario Kart.

you are Barney Frank and you had a longstanding romantic relationship with anyone, ever, but most especially the chairman of Fannie Mae, a corporation your committee had oversight of, and you bark out loud with that silly Massachusetts accent of yours that you did nothing wrong.

you are Christopher Dodd (D-CT) and you are the Senate Finance Chairman and you took sub-sub-prime mortgages from Countrywide, and you are keeping such a low profile that we can only believe you are a thief.

you are Keith Olbermann and you demand extra security from JFK to midtown because you think right-wing extremists are going to kill you. Keith, the right-wing extremists are too busy eating the tassels on their loafers because they can't afford tofu.

you are Barack America and you consorted with people who openly wished death and destruction on citizens of this country because they didn't agree with them or whatever and you are not open and honest with us about those relationships.

I love Jackass Week.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Keith Olbermann, Thundering Velvet, Cookie Whoopse

And it begins, the second Biennial Jackass Week of 2008. I love Jackass Week. You love Jackass Week.

Today it's a toss-up between two deserving nominees and a person under consideration.

1. Keith Olbermann is the most obnoxious, unfunny, negative and annoying person on television today. If you like him I am afraid that you too are a Jackass. Mr. Olbermann does replays for NBC's Sunday Night Football pregame show. He has made the show unwatchable. He inserts his stupid political remarks into football replays which is the ultimate in Jackassery. He thinks being funny means aping Chris Berman from ESPN. The problem is, Berman is funny and original, whereas, doofus Olbermann is simply negative and simple-minded. His jokes are the epitome of stupid which is made worse because of his arrogance and pithiness. I no longer watch anything with him on it and you should agree with me. Olbermann is also dangerous because of his simple-mindedness. His take on the world is that Democrats are always right and everyone else is always wrong. He has too much power to be that simplistic. Don't believe me? Go to to get an idea of what this guy is really all about. A few simple Google searches will also help.

2. People who name their child-rearing philosophies. I knew someone who called their particular style "Thundering Velvet." They were serious. I defy you to sit at a table with someone who is desribing in great detail and affectation the merits of Thundering Velvet without laughing or whoopsing your cookies. You can't do it. BTW, if you have a name for your parenting style, seriously, save your kids and put them up for adoption.

3. Speaking of Cookie Whoopse. I saw someone get thrown up on Saturday night and they acted like it was the worse thing that ever happened to anyone. Thanks for showing me all the places the whoopse landed.

I love Jackass Week. I sent this to Keith...I hope he likes Jackass Week too!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

OJ's Quest Is Over - What Better Way To Start Jackass Week!

After 13 hours of deliberation, a Las Vegas jury found OJ Simpson guilty - 13 years to the day after a Los Angeles jury found him not guilty of killing two people. Because there's a bunch of felony counts like kidnapping in his conviction, OJ will have to spend a minimum of 15 years in prison. His case will be appealed on grounds the judge allowed testimony from the LA case, so we'll have to wait and see.

I guess the bad part is, OJ's quest to find Ron and Nichole's real killers is over. I know he had to be making some headway, and I'm sure his quest to get his football knickknacks back was just one part of his massive journey to do what the LA County DA's office could not do.

Friday, October 3, 2008

TWIR - Bosniacs, and O'Bidens

Wow, that was quite a week, I'll try to keep this light. In fact, this week was so grim and un-fun, I am declaring next week JACKASS WEEK!

1. Sarah did okay. A little contrived - like a politician - but good. Commentutards who were over the moon about her performance just show how foolish and partisan they are. New word: Comment-U-tard. Like a Celebutard only not quite.

2. Palin calling her opponents "Obama and O'Biden" was funny.

3. Joe did okay. Fast and loose with the truth - like a politician - but he was okay. Mainstream media commentutards who said it was a slight win for Biden just show how foolish and partisan they are.

4. Biden calling people from Bosnia "Bosniacs" was freakin' hysterical.

5. It's enough Tina Fey already, but yet I never got tired of Dana Carvey doing H.W. or Chevy Chase doing Ford.

6. No bailout Bill yet. No meltdown yet. Joe, the past is not always prologue. Maybe we should let Wall Street suck it's thumb and stamp it's feet all it wants, and then when it's tantrum is done maybe Wall Street should fix it's own mess.

7. McCain pulled out of Michigan yesterday. Have you ever been to Michigan? I have. Maybe Michigan should read Number 6 and insert "us" for "Wall Street." I know the grammar won't be proper, but I think you get the point.

8. Joe Biden said he hangs out "at Home Depot all the time." I was there yesterday. I bought light bulbs, salt for our water conditioner and an air filter. It cost me $98.06. I did not see Joe there. In fact, the place was empty.

9. Sarah, d'ya think that accent of yours is going to get on my nerves (wink) just a little? I do.

10. Go Phillies! And of course, Go Saints!

I'm going to a high school football game tonight, tomorrow I'm doing something and Sunday I'm watching football, even though the Saints aren't on until Monday. I think there'll be a fire in the fireplace Sunday night.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Tina Fey Is Funny And All, But Shouldn't We Really Be Looking Beyond What We Are Being Spoon Fed?

We're at a unique point in the history of Western Civilization. We (meaning "the West") know radical Islam wants us to bleed to death on the streets in front of our homes, yet we invite them in and accommodate their every demand. I guess we're naively hoping if we're nice... To make matters even more absurd, every year we send them an amount of money in excess of the money we are going to spend once to destroy the free-market system in our own country. This is done so we can buy something we have ourselves but we won't let ourselves get because nature is nice. Basically, we're too lazy to open our eyes to our own culpability.

Below is a stream of Geert Wilders' movie about radical Islam "Fitna." Geert is now under police protection from insulted Islamists in his homeland of The Netherlands. For those of you with a strong enough stomach and an attention span that can extend for 16 minutes, you should watch this movie. It probably won't be there for long; YouTube pulled it bowing to complaints and I'm sure Google will do the same. Granted the Old and New Testaments are filled with nasty little war-mongering bits just like the Quran, but there is a fundamental difference between the followers of both books. The former view those passages as their history while the latter view those passages as their calling from Allah.

Politically act on your response to this movie. Vote for the people who most closely represent your own fears, beliefs and demands. Make changes in your daily consumption to tell the free-market that you want things to change. Sitting around yelling at the TV and hitting "forward" on an email will not accomplish a thing.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Andy Rooney Wednesday

I don't have a cow suit, but if I did, you can bet I wouldn't urinate on my neighbor's porch and run around tormenting children in my neighborhood.

I wonder if the guys and girls in the Senate ever dress in cow suits and run around tormenting their junior partners in the House? I bet they do, but they keep it secret.

How about that moose in the Alcee Hastings story? He has a nice smile.

Last week we were told Congress had 72 hours to pass a bailout bill. That was 144 hours ago. So far, no bill and no meltdown. D'ya think Libertarians are right when they say the government only screws things up and really doesn't help? I think they are.

I like John McCain. He's old like I am but he has much better kept eyebrows than me.

Barack America's wife Cybil, or Cheryl, or Candy, or whatever her name is, I can't remember, seems to be smiling a lot more lately. Do you think someone told her to smile more? I do.

I saw George Bush Sr. and Geraldine Ferraro on TV this morning. They make a cute couple. D'ya remember how scared we all were in 1984 that Mondale would win and Ms. Ferraro would be next-in-line for the Big Job? I do. In fact, I am reminded of that today when I see Sarah Palin. The only difference is it's the Libs who are scared now. That's funny isn't it?

It occurs to me that Liberals are always telling us to conserve something. That conservation is good. But I've noticed that Liberals always dislike Conservatives. That's funny, to me.