A New Feature!

Not only am I spending my day off caring for you lot by making sure you can get your very own OOIOTWMAMCB but now I've added a new feature which will let you spread the Joy of Oulsham to your friends, chatroom buddies, work acquaintances and people who you want to bug.

Now, at the bottom of each blog entry is a little white envelope. Clicking the envelope allows you to share the madness with all of those aforementioned people on your email list.

Spread the Joy of Oulsham today!

I Want My It's OK To Wish Me A Merry Christmas Button! Now!

The Official Oulsham It's OK To Wish Me A Merry Christmas Button (OOIOTWMAMCB) will be hitting the Swamps of New Jersey Tuesday morning. Which means Wednesday will be the first time the world experiences someone telling them via a button that they will not get unnecessarily angry if someone dares to wish them glad Christmas tidings.

The people are saying, "What about us?"

Well, here's the step-by-step guide to acquiring your very own OOIOTWMAMCB ("button" for short):

1. Add up the total number of buttons you want.

2. Multiple that number by $1.00 which is the real cost on the OOIOTWMAMCB, including shipping.

3. Email the number of buttons you want, who you are, and the address of your domicile or place of shacking up, along with a short, (optional) message that might read something like this: "Oulsham, you are friggin' awesome, how 'bout one of them buttons?" The email address is: EmailOulsham@AOL.com.

4. You will then receive a personalized return email instructing you on where to send your $1.00 x (# of buttons).

5. Mail your $1.00 x (# of buttons) to the super-secret address you will receive. Cash is King, so unfortunately make your checks out to cash too. Look, this is a shoe-string, non-profit, half-assed organization with no real infrastructure, so this is the best I've got. The address has to be secret because, well, quite frankly, I think a lot of loonies read The Blog and I don't know if you're one of them.

6. A few days later, you will receive your button(s). Be sure to order extras to give to the people at the mall who will stop you and inquire about that snarky little button you're wearing.

7. UK, Ireland and Mexico readers add an additional $3.00 for Par Avion. I don't think there are any readers in Canada, but I plan on remedying that by writing about bacon and syrup a lot next year.

It's OK to wish me a Merry Christmas Update!

The Official It's Okay To Wish Me A Merry Christmas Buttons shipped from Minnesota today, so I'll have them here early next week. People have been flagging me down to ask me where these buttons came from - they are Official Oulsham Wear designed right here at Sham Central all for the good of mankind. Loads of people are already asking how to get them, so we'll make something happen Friday.

They actually came out of a conversation I had with my youngest daughter last Christmas about her school's silly rules regarding holiday wishes. I thought it would be fun to wear a button like this because it's not exhorting or proselytizing, it's basically just letting the world at large know what your personal boundaries are. The button did not exist, so in the spirit of good old rugged individualism and entreprenuership, I stole some clip art and the rest will soon be history.

Happy Thanksgiving

It's OK To Wish Me A Merry Christmas

Among the many things I hate about Christmas shopping, is the snarky "Happy Holidays," I get from every disinterested retail clerk I encounter. Well, bemoaning the fact that "Merry Christmas" has become a dangerous thing to say won't help put me in a better holiday state of mind.

Wearing the Official Oulsham It's OK To Wish Me A Merry Christmas Button (OOIOTWMEMCB) will! They're nifty little 2.25" round buttons. Red and green text on a white background with a festive holiday wreath, they're sure to attract attention and anger the politically correct crowd at your favorite mall or non-Christian bingo parlor.

These buttons will be available exclusively to readers of The Blog as soon as I figure out how to not go broke (and therefore really ruin Christmas at the Oulsham Ranch) doing it. Details on how to get your official OOIOTWNENCB should be out sometime before Christmas and most likely this week, probably. Maybe. We'll see.

Oulsham Saves The American Car Industry

Lately I have been having a crush on the Dodge Challenger - souped up edition - but I have been completely in love with the Dodge Charger. Thinking that someday I might trade in my trusty (Ford) pickup, I stopped at a lot yesterday to peek in the window and generally admire the orange (my favorite color) Challenger and the red (sexy!) Charger sitting there beckoning me with their steel-encased siren song.

Well, the sticker on the Challenger was $37,000 and the sticker on the Charger was $45,000. For that price I'd buy a low-end BMW.

You see, Detroit has got it wrong. You don't compete with the higher-quality imports that are stealing market share by just selling expensive cars. You compete by competing.

"How do you do that, Mr. Smarty-Pants Oulsham?" you might be saying right now.

Well, it's easy. Make cars people want (in my case the Charger), but pay your dues for making crappy cars for thirty-five years and sell them at a price point that sways the consumer. Then after you retake your market share you'll be able to raise your prices. Hmmmm, remind you of Toyota or Hyundai?

I really could care less if companies that can't compete go out of business, and I certainly don't feel like withdrawing $25 billion from my bank account to keep them alive so they can fail to compete.

But what the hell do I know?

Oulsham Does Not Have Chick Fingers

So I have to replace the kitchen faucet today. I actually had to replace it a long time ago, but whatever, it's getting done today. I had a question about something so I referred to my super handy-dandy Black & Decker Home Fix-It Guy Book Thing that has been with me on many a home repair.

Well, the guide is illustrated with nice clear pictures that easily answered my question. The book says the repair should take an hour, which is underscored by the hands of the model doing the repair. Very slender, beautifully manicured girl hands. Now the fact that they belong to a girl is not my issue, I think if more women replaced faucets less men would have to, but that's another entry. It's just that I work with my hands and they are completely gnarly looking. Beat up finger nails, little bits of cuts of scrapes everywhere, all kinds of icky man hand things. And I know after I finish with the faucet I'll have at least one more scraped knuckle or ripped cuticle.

What the editors of the book are saying to me is: "Look, you lame-o, this girl with these beautiful chick fingers did this faucet in an hour and here it is two hours later and you're still tightening the compression fitting on the hot water supply."

So what I would like to see is girl hands that are beat up like mine are, this way I will at least believe that the model is actually doing the repair work, thusly building my confidence to install that water purifier to the well tank I've been meaning to install...

TWIR - See You On The Soup Line Edition

Okay, seriously, everyone needs to step back, catch their breath, stop listening to Suzee Ormand and Jim Cramer and make sure you do everything in your power to make things around you work and then get on with it.

Yes, things are bad, but yes things have been worse - in recent memory, not 1932. I'm getting tired of beating the 1980 horse so I won't, but this is a recession of emotion and lack of leadership and it will end when we get over ourselves.

1. Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey while another turkey was being fed into a turkey grinder in the background. Has Governor Palin ever heard of framing a shot? She really needs to come out of the woods and into the mainstream a little.

2. Where is Barack America? I don't buy the Rush Limbaugh idiocy that he is staying silent in hopes things will get worse, but if he'd step up and start giving the markets confidence in his leadership things would start to turn.

3. George Bush is an idiot. Plain and simple. You are still President Mr. Bush, act like it.

4. Bailing out the auto industry is a mistake. These fools couldn't see the writing on the wall in June? Please. Loan them the money but make them consolidate. Make them get concessions from the unions. Make them be competitive in the world market or tell them to pack it in.

5. The auto industry is failing because of management and labor. Labor unions have ruined the economy of this country by making wages absurdly out of whack with real worth. Shame on everyone who relies on labor unions to insulate them from the realities of the world the rest of us face every day. When people were making $0.25 an hour and getting beaten - labors unions were necessary. Today, not so much.

6. Like a bath after a three day bender, the country needs this downturn so we can all get back to being responsible. Spend according to what you earn, earn what you spend, be thankful with what you've got and accept the sobering reality that life comes and goes in cycles. The party is over kids, but that doesn't mean we can never be happy again.

7. The funniest line I ever wrote was on Tuesday's meet and greet bit. I love when I crack myself up.

8. In spite of what the media oligarchy is telling you, be thankful this Thanksgiving.

9. At least Global Warming is taking a break while we all go broke.

10. Have a nice weekend.

A History of Fine Debunkery

Wow. This Anniversary Celebration sure is fun. Let's continue. How about a list of things The Blog has successfully debunked over the past six years.

Man-Made Global Warming: Despite what the morons on the Today Show would have you believe, the sun is in charge of the warmth (or coolth) of the planet. If you believe otherwise, you are seriously disconnected from your place and importance in the world.

The $700 Billion Bailout: Remember in September when "they" said that if the bailout wasn't passed immediately we were all going to be standing in soup lines? Not only haven't they spent it yet, they don't know where to spend $400 Billion of it! You, the Great American Noodnik were duped again.

Jon Corzine: I put little effort into debunking Jon Corzine, he did it all by himself with his utter inability to lead, follow, or get out of the way. By the way, Jon is on the TV all the time and he only has one suit. That blue mafia pinstripe thing. I can't wait until he goes to Washington and leaves us alone.

The Federal Government: This is a collection of people who couldn't make it in the private sector so they went to Washington to destroy it as revenge. Name three successful or good things the Feds have done in the last twenty years. You can't. If you say "the prescription drug plan" you are a Socialist and you deserve what the government gives you.

Here's a list of truths you can't argue with:

1. The people who expect the government to clean them up when they go potty are the same people who drive the speed limit in the left lane.

2. Parents who make their kids watch DVDs in the backs of the family SUV when traveling or going to the Shop-Rite are raising nincompoops who will not have an original thought beyond cool and exciting new Spongebob episodes.

3. If you stop watching the news tonight the world will not end and just maybe your addiction to Zantac will be lessened. That goes quadruple for talk radio.

4. Mind your personal economy - that's the only economy that matters. Assume the worst will happen and be prepared for it. Remember, the economy is BIG and it expands and recedes like an ocean tide. There is no stopping it, especially in a global economy, that's why you need to mind your own p's and q's.

Meet Oulsham

People come up to me all the time and ask, "What the hell are you thinking?" Sometimes they'll stop me and say, "Hey! What's the Big Idea?" Well, as part of our long-anticipated Anniversary Week Celebrations, I will shed a little light on that enigma Oulsham.

Name: Oulsham
Sign: Sagittarius
Age: Medium to Well Done
Sex: 33% man, 33% boy, 33% dude, 1% fella
Height: In between Mickey Rooney and Bela Lugosi
Weight: In between Bela Lugosi and the Sultan of Brunei
Hair Color: I dye it grey to match my beard
Favorite Flannel Shirt: The one I am wearing right now

Likes: Chinese food, Curb Your Enthusiasm, bratwurst, driving fast, small to non-existent government, vacuum tube audio amplifiers, Christmas, writing in my Blog, people who are self-aware, airplanes, people with good comic timing who don't try to be funny they just are funny, nachos, football, old dogs, rum, pretzels, New Jersey, the ocean, Ringo Starr, snow during football, Irish music, guys who dye what little hair they have really dark like a shoe shine and then go out in public.

Dislikes: Indian food, emotional men, women who wear their pants too low, traffic, liberals, really sharp cheddar cheese, cats, birds that don't talk, people who use emotional bribery to get what they want, spinach, broccoli, under-cooked greenbeans, the constant pain in my left knee which is caused by something stupid I did in 1976, stuffed grape leaves, being seasick, sweatpants in public, mopeds, Ann Curry, Sean Penn, Jon Corzine, the Atlanta Falcons, people with a sense of entitlement, sad sacks, Enzo's Pizza, Pedro's South of the Border, James Carville, tornadoes, men who wear Speedos, any dog under twenty pounds, shrimp, dry skin, splinters, the flu.

Happy Anniversary!

Six years ago this weekend the first Blog was posted. Unfortunately, many wonderful tidbits of wisdom and wit have been deleted along the way, but we can still spend this week looking back over six years of Media Bashing, Books, Music, Politics, Incredulity and More!

This week we ignore the rest of the world and we celebrate six years of utter tomfoolery and time wasting mixed in with a little outhouse philosophy (as one early hate/fan email from Charleston, WV, described it).

Barack America At the Gap

I was in Manhattan yesterday for a little walking, shopping and a really, really bad dinner at a crappy joint on the corner of 48th and 7th. But it's my own fault for eating in a tourist area in the first place. Anyway, that's not why you're here.

I was amazed at the amount of Barack Obama merchandise I saw. The irony of the Socialist-Elect spawning so much old fashioned capitalism was not lost on me. There were tee-shirts, cool posters for three bucks on the A train up near 125th Street, and coffee mugs at a open-air market at 72nd and Broadway. I saw scarves and expensive looking leather coats, all emblazoned with the official Obama seal.

I have never experienced anything like this. My best friend in high school had Fonzie socks that his mother bought him that he wore because he didn't want to hurt his mom's feelings, and of course there was the late 80's Barbara Bush scuba attire that was all the rage, but I think it is probably a good thing on some level for a President to have his seal on a wool ski cap. I just don't know what that level is.

Possible Reasons For My Shunning At Enzo's Pizza

1. Enzo felt that a measly slice of Sicilian was not worth his effort on a Friday night, which is commonly referred to as "Pizza Night!" in many suburban households.

2. Gorilla My Dreams (aka She Who Shall Not Be Named) has escalated her campaign to further alienate me from all people of Italian descent.

3. Friendly factions in my own family, concerned about late night agita and the strange pizza-induced dreams (PID) I often suffer from, took prophylactic actions on my behalf by calling Enzo earlier in the day.

4. Concerned about the faltering economy, Enzo did not want to waste a perfectly good slice of Sicilian on someone who could stand to skip a meal. But that's his opinion.

5. Enzo is a jerk.

6. Enzo suffers from a severe case of Mussolini Complex, often exhibited in short men of his background.

7. Enzo has let the garlic fumes go to his head.

8. I did not say the secret password.

9. Enzo was offended by item 7 in yesterday's TWIR.

10. I did not kiss Enzo's ring.

This is most perplexing to me, as only items 2,5 and 6 make any sense.

Pizza For Dinner & A Curb Your Enthusiasm Moment

So tonight I was left to my own devices for dinner. I decided on a slice of pizza from the pizza place around the corner. We have been faithful customers of this place since it opened, and have dropped our fair share of coin there. Not that I'm a goombah, but they know me when I walk in.

Unusual for a Friday night at 6:00 PM, I walked in and the place was empty. Enzo, the owner and namesake greets me and I order a slice of Sicilian. Immediately, ten people come in to get their pies. About ten minutes later, all ten people have been taken care of and I ask Enzo how my slice is doing. My patience anymore astounds even me. More people were coming in and I wanted to get what I had coming to me.

Well, Enzo goes, "Yeah, that was a slice Sicilian..."

To which I replied, "You mean you didn't put the slice in yet?" I was mildly harumphy and I raised my hands in a sort of shrug to emphasis my building unhappiness about having just wasted ten minutes of my life for nothing.

Enzo looks up at me, and I swear this is completely true, and says, "Goodbye." Just like that annoying English woman from The Weakest Link, only with an Italian accent.

I was really mad and felt like arguing with the SOB, but I just left. I am, however, planning on ordering two Sicilian pies with mushrooms and onions and then calling back thirty minutes later to cancel, every Friday night for the next month.

TWIR - Post Election Edition

If you're feeling low today because the world is ending and all, just look at the Moose for a minute or so. You will feel better.

1. To all of you Republicans and "Conservatives" out there who are bemoaning the supposed Socialist leanings of President-Elect Barack America: What the hell do you think a $700 BILLION bailout is? How about a $700,000,000,000 bailout that no one is really sure how to spend $400,000,000,000 of?

2. Speaking of Barack America, what's with the "Office of the President-Elect?" What an arrogant thing to do.

3. Yesterday, I had something really good I wanted to put here, but I forgot what it was.

4. I predicted Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State back in August. I also predicted the market would recover after the election, so what the hell do I know?

5. If most people refrain from farting in public, why does hardly anyone refrain from blowing their nose in public, especially at a restaurant? You Leftists want to make laws? Make a law about that one.

6. In 1980 I was twenty-one years old. The economy was way worse than it is now. I mean, way worse. Inflation was around 16%. If you could get a mortgage the average rate was 21%. Unemployment was around 8%. Jobs were scarce, money was tight and everyone had "The Ayatollah Is An Assaholah" bumper stickers on their cars. Well I didn't, but other people did.

7. Ayatollah is in my spell check, but assaholah isn't. I should get an Italian spell check.

Have a nice weekend.

I'm Not Quite Feeling Like the Moose

The election is over and the economy will cease to exist next month, so let's get back to what's really important - things that annoy me.

Did you ever have one of those days where your mind and body aren't going the same speed? That's me today. After four hours fixing a problem that should have taken fifteen minutes, I dropped the unit I was working on which meant, well, it cost a lot of money.

Lindsay Lohan expressed her excitement over our first "colored" president yesterday. She failed to mention if she was still queer or not.

The Daily News is the worst newspaper in the world. The ink is cheap and the paper is inexpensive, so you can't turn the page easily which makes the ink rub off on your fingers. Plus, a little liberal wouldn't you say?

Today is Chinese Food Thursday. You should join me. I eat more Chinese food than most Chinese people, including the ones in China. The guy at the booth next to me blew his nose eleven times while I was eating. Real deep cleansing blows these were. Nice manners. Idiot.

This is almost like TWIR, except it is all happening in one day.

Yikes!

Either the hidden agenda is out, or these people are stupider than we thought.

Valerie Jarrett, of the Barack America transition team, appeared on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday and said that “given the daunting challenges that we face, it’s important that President-elect Obama is prepared to really take power and begin to rule [on] day one.”

Words do have meaning.

And Another Thing

Here's just a few more points and then I'll get back to making fun of people in restaurants.

1. If you voted for any incumbent last week, you are part of the problem. The political system in this country is wearing a pair of under-sized swimmies in a cesspool and not one office-holder at any level deserved to be returned to office. So stop bitching and blame yourself.

2. You cannot be a Christian, or believe in God, and be a racist. It is not possible, no matter what race you hate.

3. Right now right wing extremists are a bigger threat to our national recovery than any other splinter group.

4. For the most part, this is a conservative country, so the liberals you all just elected will only get so far.

5. Gold is off 25%, in 1980 dollars, of it's 1980 all-time high price. Unemployment is the highest it's been since 1994. I could go on and on, but the point is things are bad in a normal way. Barack America needs to step to the microphone and send some positive messages out to the American people - like Reagan did (in 1980). The road to recovery starts with confidence in the future.

6. The Saints are abysmal again this year. And now I have to put up with obnoxious Giants and Jets fans. Wonderful.

A Look At Laws

Here's Part Deuce of The World According to Oulsham.

1. The death penalty should be outlawed. You cannot trust your government to do trivial things well, so you should not trust your government to discern guilty from innocent 100% of the time.

2. Draconian drug laws should be struck down. Too many young lives have been wasted by foolish incarcerations than necessary to protect society from the scourge of drugs. We know which drugs are addictive and which aren't. Our governments also earn money through the addictive use of tobacco which is a travesty of hypocrisy. Countless lives have been lost due to alcohol abuse, yet government allows the production and sale of alcohol. My personal feelings about the destructiveness of drugs or alcohol have no business here.

3. Welfare has destroyed the nuclear family of those who choose to accept welfare. This is cultural slavery of the worst sort.

4. Home Rule should always be preferred over laws dictated from a central government with no real feeling for the needs of the locality.

5. Americans built this country through economic and cultural freedom. Americans will destroy this country through cultural slavery to a central government.

6. All government largess should be at the will of all the people, not the select few.

7. Strict term limits of 10 years should be imposed on the House of Representatives. All other term limits are not necessary.

8. The government should protect the wealth and welfare of its people first from foreign influence, then from domestic influence.

9. Tenure should be eliminated from all public places of learning.

10. Lotteries should be outlawed because they create an unnecessary tax burden on those who can least afford it. The government has no business conducting lotteries. Gambling should be at the will of the people, as with other vice laws.

11. All citizens should be required to perform a minimum of two years public service by the time they are twenty-five or within five years of attaining at least permanent resident status. This can range from serving on a volunteer first aid or fire department, to working with sports programs for kids, to joining the Peace Corps and other similar civilian corps.

Part Three tomorrow, or Monday if I am tired tomorrow.

The World According to Oulsham

TWIR will be postponed this week so we can do a general review on Conservative and Libertarian principles and beliefs. Caveat: This could also be called the World According to Oulsham.

We have two dogs here at the Oulsham Ranch. Because they are stupid, we built a fence to keep them from roaming around and getting hit by cars and rickshaws. They eat when we tell them to, unless they figure out the combination to the garbage pail. They relieve themselves at our convenience. Basically, they have given up their freedom for two squares, an official PetSmart dog bed, an acre of yard to run in and an occasional table scrap. I would never want to be a dog, even when they are laying around on rainy mornings all snuggled on the couch which they are not supposed to be on.

Not in order of importance, here's what separates human beings from canines:

1. God is too big for us to conceptualize or comprehend. I know eternity is a long ass time compared to the few short years I have here on Earth, so I have to figure God's got other things in mind for my energy when I die.

2. Trying to conceptualize and speak of God in human terms is folly.

3. Human beings are extraordinary works and I have to figure we were put here by God to live extraordinary lives. Extraordinary does not mean being a rock star or famous politician. It means rising above ordinary in how we live our daily lives.

4. Government should exist to facilitate extraordinariness. It should never exist to define it.

5. Laws are meant to confine humans. The more laws a society allows, the more confined its members. We have the right to choose our level of confinement in all cases.

6. Tradition teaches values and values entrench morals. It works no other way. Period. Once the first two parts of the equation are removed the result is altered.

7. Adversity begets change. Human beings need adversity to grow. Removing adversity from the growing experience eliminates the opportunity to be extraordinary.

8. You are born alone. You will die alone. Just as you fall asleep and wake up alone. You must therefore know deeply the only person you will ever be in full contact with. If you happen to be lucky enough to share your journey with someone else you are blessed, but confusing the two dilutes yourself.

9. All human beings are created as equals. Unfortunately, it stops at birth. How we handle those who are more or less equal than us is part of our own individual journey.

10. Nothing is free in this world. Everything costs somebody something. Every time you receive something for nothing you are blind to this reality.

11. Government is foolish, all of the time. Government needs to protect our safety, protect our welfare and protect our wealth. After that, government is a leech.

12. Power corrupts - all of the time. Human beings are unable to safely wield power for any extended period of time. Power over other people will eventually destroy every person who wields it.

13. Living in a black and white world is dangerous. Wise human beings see the gray and apply it to their own principles.

14. People who form their opinions of other people or situations based on the word of other people are fools. Once you deny the words in your heart, you deny your reason for being on this planet.

15. What is common among all people is the power of choice.

16. Government should be looked at suspiciously at all times and authority should be questioned at every opportunity.

17. Societies must have common language, common tradition, and common goals or they will cease to exist. Read your history.

18. Vanity among fools is a poor way to govern and all political rhetoric is simply the spewing of vanity by fools.

19. What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours. Leave my stuff alone unless I consent for you to bother with it. I will do the same.

20. Life is to be savored, enjoyed and seized and it is with great sorrow that I look at people who are not able to rise above circumstance to do this. Government is not able to help a single person live a better life beyond ensuring personal and societal safety and freedom.

Another Country Checks In

Just when we think it's time to be serious about the current Depression we are slipping into, and all the dumb wars and stuff, Silvio Burlusconi opens his mouth.

Burlusconi, the Italian Premiere, said in a press conference in Russia yesterday that Russian President Medvedev should have no problem making deals with Obama because he has all the important qualities necessary like being "young, handsome and evenly tanned."

When questioned later about his remarks, Burlusconi said he meant them as a compliment. It's nice to see there is a at least one country out there with stupider people than we have here.

Go Italy!

The Election In Review

First of all, congratulations to Barack Obama on running a near-seamless campaign and exploiting the foolishness of George W. Bush and his Country Club Republicans. I hope that all of you fear-mongering CC Republicans will get over it and do the right thing by supporting our new President.

Now is the time to understand that agreement and support are mutually exclusive, and that you can support your President without agreeing with him. Conservatism has taken a nasty blow to the solar plexus and if we're as smart as we say we are we'll get over it and learn from it. By the way, you cannot say America will not survive an Obama presidency at the same time you believe this is a great country. We survived Jimmy Carter and Richard Nixon.

President-Elect Obama now has the daunting task of pleasing 67,000,000 Americans who voted for him and not pissing off 55,000,000 Americans who didn't. Good luck on that. I wish him well and I will do my best within my own principles to support him. Lord knows we need to come together as a country and stop the petty bickering, and I for one am hoping we voted for the right man for the job.

If we were wrong, we'll survive, but it won't be fun.

Thank You Republicans

Conservatives are going to take a beating today and we have the Republicans to thank for it. Barack America is going to have a decisive majority in Congress. Thanks Republicans.

The Republican Party, and the George Bush Wing in particular, is not the party of smaller government and smarter regulation. Bush has pilloried limits on the power of the President (Barack is rubbing his hands with glee), and the Republicans in Congress are abject failures of principle.

There are a whole lot of Americans out here who have no representation whatsoever because the party they thought would represent them has turned their backs.

Even if McCain wins, which he won't, there will be little difference.

Election Bulletin

Don't be fooled like NBC News was (or were they?). The audio outtakes you will certainly hear today of Sarah Palin getting punked by two Canadian radio DJs pretending to be French Prime Minister Sarkozy is a fake.

When you hear the full bit and not just the bit NBC News and the other dominant media outlets will let you hear it becomes obvious. When told that he (the guy pretending to be Sarkozy) enjoyed "the documentary about [you]" entitled Nailin Palin, which is a porn movie, and Palin thanks Sarkozy effusively, you'd have to be stupid or think other people are ignorant of your agenda to think the bit is real.

You are letting the largest media fraud in American history decide this election and you apparently don't care.

TWIR - Andy Rooney Edition

I lost my cell phone this week. It wasn't too long ago people didn't have cell phones. Now I don't have one. I kind of like not having to be connected to people every minute of the day, but I'm sure there are people who tried to get in touch with me this week who would have rathered I didn't lose my phone.

I need new brakes on my truck. I'm waiting until after the election to get them fixed. I, like millions of other Americans, are waiting for Barck Obama to get elected and fix all of our problems.

Do you think Barack Obama put too much pressure on himself to change things, since he ran on a message of changing everything, but changing things is difficult and not always necessary? I do.

I will not be surprised if John McCain wins on Tuesday. Americans have a way of talking big in public, but thinking carefully in private.

P.J. O'Rourke said Democrats believe in Santa Claus because he is nice, gives things away, and hardly expects anything in return. Republicans believe in God, because he is unpleasant alot of the time, expects us to do the right thing all the time, and only gives us what we earn. The big difference between the two is there is no Santa Claus. That's pretty clever, don't you think? I do.

This Andy Rooney bit is getting a bit worn out. Don't you think? I do. This will probably be the last Andy Rooney Edition of anything, at least for a while. Americans can rejoice in that.