Oulsham Figures Out Why America Is Going To Hell In A Hand Basket

First of all, last night I referred to a Chinese restaurant we occasionally frequent (oxymoron) as "Fu Man Chu's" in front of a person of mixed Asian heritage. Non-plussed, this person replied, "I know the Mall like the back of my hand and I don't know where that is."

So, me and the SO are having a nice dinner at Fu Man Chu's. She the Chow Fun, me the Dan Dan. I ordered a Manhattan and then remembered halfway through it that I really don't like bourbon. I do however, like tequila.

But this is not the point of the story.

There was a foursome behind us (my viewpoint), two "adults" and two high-school aged persons of female descent. One of them (YL #1) was rather adept at chopsticks (I am better having had way more practice), but she was having fun picking up dumplings, ice cubes, her fork, etcetera. This caused the other young lady (YL #2) to pick up things with her chopsticks and hand them off. Now this is where I come in.

I commissioned a scientific study that proved dirt is only six days older than me. "Oulsham, freakin' A, you old SOB," you might be saying right now. Umm hmmmm. But, the "adults" (AH #1 & AH #2 - you figure it out) at this table were even older than me, or at least they didn't age as well as I did. So they get into the act, and now it is a laughing, talking loudly, free-for-all of chopstick passing, chopstick picking up straw wrappers, chopstick throwing ice cubes. I behaved like this when I was a teenager running loose on the streets of ennui-suburbia, but after like my 18th birthday I sort of calmed down.

Now there are half a dozen or seven tables staring at these cretins as they have their little chopstick party. People (up to and including me) are actually saying things out loud even, yet the morons keep chopsticking it up.

Women even older than I, and couples even younger than I, were staring incredulously, and annoyingly, at the fools and their chopsticks. When would it end I thought. YL #1 looked around and saw almost the entire restaurant staring at her and her foolish dinner companions and she turned bright red and the chopstickery ceased. The pater familias of the group looked around and then began using his inside voice again. Horse's ass thought I, out loud, but only out loud enough for my SO to hear.

The rest of dinner was pretty good.

Thank you.