Every Week Can Be Jackass Week

Well, the nominations are in, the votes are in, it's Friday. The Third Biennial Jackass Week is now over. I tossed and turned all night, trying to come up with a fair and definitive winner. Well I tossed and turned because it was hot last night; I just started thinking about the winner of Jackass Week a couple of minutes ago.

It's hard to come up with one winner, there are just too many jackasses in the world. So for the first time ever, we have a tie. A twenty-way tie.

So, without further delay, here are this edition's Jackasses:

1. Anyone who thinks the government needs to bail out homeowners for taking out dumb mortgages.
2. Anyone who thinks man caused global warming and can therefore correct it. When I was a kid greenhouse gases were going to freeze us all to death.
3. Anyone who watches TMZ.
4. Anyone with a tattoo above their ass. Fads come and go but tattoos only fade to blotchy blue.
5. Mets fans.
6. Anyone who thinks Barack Obama, a state senator two years ago, is more than a hack politician from Chicago.
7. Anyone who thinks Hillary Clinton is not a self-aggrandizing, win-at-all-costs hack politician from Chicago.
8. Anyone who thinks John McCain is a conservative.
9. My ex-wife.
10. Anyone who thinks organized religion is about God.
11. Anyone who voted for Jon Corzine.
12. Anyone who thinks they are important - in the long run we are all dead.
13. Anyone who thinks people can't actually see them for who they are - seriously, you're not fooling anybody.
14. Anyone who thinks camels should be in beauty contests and women should be covered up.
15. Anyone who thinks the previous statement is sexist.
16. Anyone who doesn't realize that any form of government is filled with incompetent, inept, bored, unmotivated hacks who are really just like everyone else except they have job security.
17. Anyone who doesn't fully understand the root causes of the American Revolution, American Civil War, Spanish-American War, World Wars I & II, the Korean and Vietnam Wars, and Gulf War I.
18. Anyone who doesn't think current military policy in Iraq needs to change.
19. Me.
20. Anyone who got insulted by anything on this list.

On behalf of the winners, I thank you.