Oulsham Splits a Hair

Barack Obama said Reverend Wright's words from his speech Monday at the National Press Club "should be denounced." He didn't denounce them himself.

Semantics you say? Listen my babies, in politics everything is semantics.

Achy Breaky Heart vs. Pull My Finger

Dear Parents,

I realize you are up in arms over the "semi-nude" pictures of Hannah Montana. I know it's hard for you to find good role models for your teenaged daughters. Suggestion: Try looking somewhere other than the Disney Channel.

Now let's look at the picture together so we can get our thoughts in order. Granted, it makes normal adults uncomfortable to see a child posing in such a provocative manner, but has no one but me noticed the real problem?

The guy in the picture is Billy Ray Cyrus, the father of the girl in the picture, who's name is Hannah Montana Cyrus or Miley Ray Cyrus or something like that. This pose is disturbing in the extreme. Look at it and then think about what the picture conveys. Is this guy so media starved that after he's done whoring his daughter around he feels the need to get in on the action? Normal kids get embarrassed when their dads ask them to pull their fingers, forget posing with them like this. Ewwww, that's just gross. I'd rather the kids of the world be embarrassed by fathers who need a flatulence jump-start than to pose with them in a way reminiscent of some sort of strange Oedipal Complex. I like that this is kid is now suddenly embarrassed. Either the general public is being played for the fools we are or this kid has a stronger moral compass than all of the adults around her combined.

Think about this the next time you support flawed people to make your kids love you.

Your Friend,
Oulsham

Authority Is Earned Not Given

So Saturday night I am at an almost local high school watching the youngest Oulshamite perform with her school's jazz band in the state finals. Third place thank you very much. But that's not the information you come here for.

This is: The emcee lady was an annoying Principal type with short hair, glasses on a chain around her neck and a sweater that complemented her skirt perfectly. She was the very type of teacher who made my own school years unbearable and who removed all consideration I had of ever going into the education field. Well, between bands there is a short break. The lights come up and people talk to each other. I spoke to my SO and the people who were there with us. I saw an old friend and waved at him. I cracked wise about the annoying Teacher Lady. But this was not acceptable to Teacher Lady. She insisted on being the main focus of the evening by reading to us from the program. Line-by-line reading of the worst and most boring sort. From a program I had on my lap and could read if I felt so inclined. It was just like school.

Well, it was way funny to watch Teacher Lady get frustrated at the fact that no one was bothering to listen to her. She realized she was not in a classroom where she could pretend she had any authority, and this frosted her buns. Her very tight and un-fun buns. Finally, she'd had enough of these rude adults talking to their friends and relations. So, Teacher Lady says, and I quote, "People, you must listen to this information. It is very important. I know you all love to talk but I really want you to pay attention to me."

I was happy to know I was not the only person in the auditorium who thought this was funny. I was also happy to hear the overall volume of the room get louder. It is very likely she is married to a police officer or a zoning official.

Thank you, people.

The Week In Review

Well, this week sucked. So, with that in mind, I have compiled a list of the most positive things I have learned this week.

1. Links or patties, it doesn't matter, breakfast sausage is the best food ever.

Have a nice weekend.

Go Green for Famine!

When two of the largest retailers in the wealthiest country in the world begin to ration a staple food as basic and abundant as rice there is cause for concern. Food prices are rising faster than at any time in recent history, at the same time fuel costs are beyond reasonable.

Yet, it's Earth Week! Go Green!

Throughout history famine has not been caused by food shortages. Famine is political. Period. Famine is caused by government attempts to kill a group of people, by government attempts to control a group of people, or by government ineptitude.

Take your pick, no matter what, we lose.

Balloon Priest Lost At Sea

So there's this priest in Brasil who got a bunch of helium-filled balloons and tried to set a world altitude or distance record or something for a person sitting in a chair attached to helium-filled balloons. I am a big fan of this. I would like to try this. This seems like fun.

However, the priest is now lost at sea. I'm thinking maybe he should have checked the wind direction before setting aloft.

If one were to combine helium-filled balloons with the Popemobile the possibilities would be endless.

Watch Your Mouth

Maybe if we spent less time worrying about what bags to use at the supermarket and more time worrying about the Rights of Man, we'd have more time to well, use the proper bags at the supermarket.

State Representative Douglas Bruce (R-CO) said during a debate at the Colorado State House on Monday that he doesn't think the state needs "five thousand more illiterate peasants," when speaking about a bill that would help illegal immigrants obtain temporary work visas. His comment drew "an audible gasp." Chairwoman Kathleen Curry (D-CO) said "how dare you" and removed his recognition to speak. She probably forgot to say "whateverrrr."

First of all, if the term "illiterate peasant" is now going to be considered a horrible slur, we might as well give up English as our mother tongue because the language is lost. Second of all, we have not been fighting for the Rights of Man in this country for 250 years just to get to a point where opinions and statements are to be considered something to be afraid of.

Listen people, you don't want to live in a country that puts your thoughts and words into little cubbyholes of "right" and "wrong." Maybe if we weren't afraid to recognize the plight of people we'd be in a better position to grace them with our abundance.

Let's Talk About Pants

Politics. Popemobiles. $3.50 gas. American Idol. Hit lists. Sure these things are important, but today I want to talk about something that really matters - wearing pants that fit. You have all been with me as I have railed against muffin-top syndrome, and while I have gotten used to seeing guys with their boxers hanging out, I am really bothered when guys let their tighty-whiteys catch some sun. Usually, these are white guys with bad piercings, and seriously fellas, it just looks like you need a belt.

Ok, speaking of belts, girls that wear 'em low like truck drivers at a Krispy Kreme bother me. Seriously, I don't care what team you play for, just pull your pants up.

And while I'm at it, you middle-aged men who think you're still hot and sexy: You're not and you probably never were. Do you have to pull your pants up so high? It's not a good look to accentuate the fact you have two cheeks unless you are Freddie Mercury. And just because your mom pressed your jeans is no reason for you to do the same.

And one more thing, all you girls who think it's sexy to wear 'em so low that with only a passing glance we can see, well, more than we want to. Plumbers do that too, and quite frankly, if a plumber can fix my sink for $65 so I can go out and do something fun, that plumber wins the sexy contest hands down. I don't want my plumber to be modest, I want him to be well-versed with a monkey wrench. If you can work wonders with a monkey-wrench I can deal with your cracked rear-view.

Thank you.

Your friend,
Oulsham

Popemobile

I really can't handle the Popemobile. It just doesn't have the gravitas I feel is required of the vehicle that moves the Pope around.

From here on out, I want us to start calling the Popemobile the Vatican Cruiser instead.

Thank you.

The Irish Goodbye

Here's a new one. Well actually, it's an old one I just didn't know it had a name. Officially, the Irish Goodbye is when a person is somewhere where there are other people, maybe a party, or a wedding or a funeral, and that person gets in a snit and just leaves without saying goodbye. By definition, it is the act of leaving without saying goodbye so as to increase people's awareness that you have left and that you want to express to people your displeasure at whatever slight it is that you have just suffered.

Typically the results are just the opposite of the intention. Like, "Where's that jackass Seamus?" "I don't know, he was here a minute ago and now he's gone." "Must be mad."

Or, "Have you seen Mary Catherine?" "Yes, I saw her leaving a few minutes ago, and boy did she look mad." "Jackass."

It's nice to finally have a name for it, so now I can categorize it when I see it.

TWIR: RIP

Rest In Peace Danny Federici from the E Street Band. The keyboardist succumbed to melanoma on Thursday. While looking up his information I came across a few other passings that weren't widely noted, so this week's The Week In Review will make those notes:

Klaus Dinger (61), March 26. Founding member of Kraftwerk and originator of the motorik beat (listen to dance music today and you'll hear it). Kraftwerk was too weird for most Americans but Autobahn is an all-time favorite of mine.

Neil Aspinall (66), March 24. The Beatles' road manager, he brought pop music into the world of legitimate business, and so for better or worse, he helped changed western culture.

Ola Brunkert (61), March 16. Studio musician who played on all of ABBA's hits. A steady drummer who is part of your everyday lexicon.

Buddy Miles (60), February 26. Mostly known as Jimi Hendrix's drummer, Buddy is a personal hero of mine for his incredibly smooth melding of jazz and rock drum styles. I've stolen more licks from Buddy Miles than I care to admit and I am saddened by his all-too-early passing.

All of these people played a bigger role in your life's soundtrack than you know and they all died way too young.

Oulshamobile. Not As Crazy As You Think.

So I'm assuming they had metal detectors and what not at Nationals Field today for the Pope's Mass. And, when the Pope said the Mass he was standing out in the open, so safety was not an issue.

I ask you then, what's up with the Popemobile? He needs to be enclosed in the Popemobile while he drives around the field to greet the people? He looked like one of those sno-globe things you might bring back from your trip to the Vatican. WAIT A FREAKIN' MINUTE! Are you kidding me? I am so brilliant! I am going to make miniature Popemobiles and fill the part where the Pope sits with water and sno-globe things. I have had great ideas in the past, but this is so over-the-top even I can't believe it.

Lest those of you who are now up in arms start calling your lawyers, I am not making fun of anything but the very concept of an enclosed Anyonemobile in a place where safety is not an issue. Well, I'm also making fun of the tacky way this current Papal journey is being marketed. I really don't think Jesus was thinking trinkets to keep His Word fresh in our minds. The Mass was probably incredibly stirring and spiritually riveting and I would have loved to be there, but baseball jerseys and Pope bobbleheads? You're kidding me right?

I Couldn't Wait Until Tomorrow

Screw that peace, love and understanding bit. I've seen this behavior before, I think it's the peroxide. It seeps into the brain and causes one to act like a lead-poisoned Roman patrician.

If You Can't Kill It Put It In A Cage

WARNING: Today's post is deep and not that funny. It mentions religion negatively. Reading further may cause your apple cart to fall over. You have been warned: I am about to get all philosophical on your heinies, so don't get mad at me if you read further and get mad at me.

Today's lesson: If your heart is your positive, your ego is your negative. Ying and yang. It never ceases to amaze me how much trouble egos cause. In fact, ego is tied for first with religion and the need for more natural resources as the cause of big trouble like wars and genocide, and it comes in first when it comes to divorce, addiction and embezzlement, among other human foibles. When your motives are out of whack - kill your ego. When you're feeling misplaced or out of sorts on your journey - kill your ego. Feeling sad, lonely, like life has let you down? Avoid the pharmacy and kill your ego instead. Unquenchable desire to smite your enemies? Yup. Obsessed with being right? Oh yeah. If you met the Buddha on the road would you kill him? Do you blame Jesus with a damnation every time something goes wrong? Seeing a pattern here?

But Oulsham, WTF? you say. What the hell is your problem? When last I heard you were doing fine. And now you're spewing crazy talk. Am I? Or am I so far out that you can't handle it? I am in a magnificent place and I'm just waiting for the oustide world to catch up. Lest anyone think that I, your favorite outhouse philosopher (as I have been called), am sending a message to anyone in particular you are thinking with your ego.

My job is to go out in the world and come back and report to you what I see. Have a nice day. Really, I mean it. Peace.

Two for Tuesday - John Adams

This is the best television I have seen in, maybe, forever. Now granted, I am a history nerd who's tastes run to History International, (I made my daughter watch a show about the Hitler Diary Frauds last weekend - no wonder she actually wants to grow up). Anyway, this is an Oulsham Movie Review, so stop distracting me.

The HBO mini-series "John Adams" is everything television could be but is too lazy to acheive. The writing, cinematography and set designs are all spectacular. Tom Hanks produced it and he should be given a great deal of praise. It jumps through David McCullough's book a little making it hard to follow on occasion, but the good far outweighs this minor bad.

In particular, Paul Giamatti is brilliant, believable and empathetic as John Adams, and Laura Linney is amazing as Abigail - a true American hero who gets too little respect.

The miniseries ends this Sunday and I will surely miss it when it's gone. If you haven't seen it yet, HBO is running all the episodes back-to-back on Sunday - I heartily recommend it.

Two For Tuesday - Dark Lady

So the other day I'm driving on one of the ridiculous roads around here that has a traffic light every 1/2 mile - all timed to make sure you stop every 1/2 mile. Big deal Oulsham, you say, stop your whining. No, and here's why: there was this beat up Ford Aerostar driving next to me with Florida plates. The driver was a female early-old-age bingo-type. She had the windows opened and was smoking a storm as she blasted Cher's "Dark Lady" at full volume. She was living the gypsy dream.

Here's the thing: I have to listen to Cher sing "Dark Lady" every half mile if I want to open my window and get some air? Is that fair? When I listen to really bad songs I at least turn the radio down at traffic lights, not so much to be polite but God forbid someone should catch me listening to "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" or "Fernando." I only keep the Kaiser Chiefs up loud at stop lights and I hardly listen to them.

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Barama (if you've been paying attention you know who that is) finally let his "let-them-eat-cake" mentality slip over the weekend. You see? It's not about race at all, it's about class. All the greatest abusers of class distinction in history played heavily to the lowly masses - the masses they despised - to attain power. Now you all have two people - Hillary and Barama - who are elitist in the extreme playing to the very people they wish didn't exist so they can spend your money. And you're all buying it! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.

Every Week Can Be Jackass Week

Well, the nominations are in, the votes are in, it's Friday. The Third Biennial Jackass Week is now over. I tossed and turned all night, trying to come up with a fair and definitive winner. Well I tossed and turned because it was hot last night; I just started thinking about the winner of Jackass Week a couple of minutes ago.

It's hard to come up with one winner, there are just too many jackasses in the world. So for the first time ever, we have a tie. A twenty-way tie.

So, without further delay, here are this edition's Jackasses:

1. Anyone who thinks the government needs to bail out homeowners for taking out dumb mortgages.
2. Anyone who thinks man caused global warming and can therefore correct it. When I was a kid greenhouse gases were going to freeze us all to death.
3. Anyone who watches TMZ.
4. Anyone with a tattoo above their ass. Fads come and go but tattoos only fade to blotchy blue.
5. Mets fans.
6. Anyone who thinks Barack Obama, a state senator two years ago, is more than a hack politician from Chicago.
7. Anyone who thinks Hillary Clinton is not a self-aggrandizing, win-at-all-costs hack politician from Chicago.
8. Anyone who thinks John McCain is a conservative.
9. My ex-wife.
10. Anyone who thinks organized religion is about God.
11. Anyone who voted for Jon Corzine.
12. Anyone who thinks they are important - in the long run we are all dead.
13. Anyone who thinks people can't actually see them for who they are - seriously, you're not fooling anybody.
14. Anyone who thinks camels should be in beauty contests and women should be covered up.
15. Anyone who thinks the previous statement is sexist.
16. Anyone who doesn't realize that any form of government is filled with incompetent, inept, bored, unmotivated hacks who are really just like everyone else except they have job security.
17. Anyone who doesn't fully understand the root causes of the American Revolution, American Civil War, Spanish-American War, World Wars I & II, the Korean and Vietnam Wars, and Gulf War I.
18. Anyone who doesn't think current military policy in Iraq needs to change.
19. Me.
20. Anyone who got insulted by anything on this list.

On behalf of the winners, I thank you.

Chuck Norris?

Today's entry is multi-faceted. A group of kids in a local high school has a hit list of people they wanted hit. On that list was Chuck Norris. Now what bothers me most about Chuck Norris is his hairpiece, but I would never put him on a hit list. Apparently these future leaders felt otherwise. They also put some teachers and other kids on the list, which qualifies them for jackass status, but I mean, come on.

Next up are the school officials, who blinded by fear, have instituted a zero-tolerance policy on all hit lists - even those that contain Chuck Norris. I guess every school official in the country qualifies.

But the real jackass in this story is the jackass who got the story to the local news outlet. Seriously? This is news worthy? Or is it fear-mongering to the maximum?

So today's nomination is every news person who pretends a story like this is important while what they're really doing is hoping they'll be lucky enough to have a tragedy like Columbine happen in their own backyard.

I'm Off To The Souk to Buy A Hajib For My Camel

Hats off to Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashed Al-Maktoum, Crown Prince of Dubai, who purchased a very comely and fetching camel for $2.7 million last week at the big camel beauty pageant held annually in Abu Dhabi.

As you can see she is quite the charmer.

But Oulsham, you say, how does this person qualify as a jackass candidate, aren't you a lassiez-faire free-marketer? Yes, in fact that is very astute of you to see the contradiction. I begrudge not the spending of $2.7 million on a camel, especially one as cute as this one.

What I find jackass worthy is the fact that there is a camel beauty contest in the first place. Let's think about this together. This is a culture that has covered up its women for reasons of modesty (or lack of self-control - take your pick), depriving itself of true beauty thereby forcing itself to hold camel beauty contests.

Oulsham, you xenophobe, you say, it's a cultural thing and it's quite obvious you aren't bright enough to understand cultural differences. Maybe, but you have to agree culture or not, admitting attendance at a camel beauty pageant, let alone buying one of the contestants for $2.7 million, opens one up for a lot of conjecture. I'm just saying.

Today's nominee for Jackass Week Champion: Camel Beauty Contest Organizers.

This Jackass Week Pick Is Almost Boring

I'm partially ashamed that Tuesday's Jackass Week pick is so obvious. Actually we have a tie. I am nominating supporters of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton as entrants in the current Jackass Week bonanza. Barack is smug enough to twist John McCain's words and get his toadies and lackies believing that McCain actually wants troops in Iraq for 100 years. Dear Jackasses, may I introduce you to a word: hyperbole. Go look it up. By the way, Barama wasn't using hyperbole when he claimed 10,000 people died in last summer's tornado outbreak in Kansas.

And just how many stupid lies is Hillary going to tell before all of you Hillary sycophants wise up? Gun fire in Bosnia? Woman refused treatment in Ohio for lack of $100 that caused her to die? Right wing conspiracy? Dear Jackasses, might it just be a bit unsavory to support someone who so boldly lies to reach office? At least you could support somone like Barack who runs behind subtle lies, or McCain who's given up caring about what he says.

Jackasses.

Hooray! It's Jackass Week!

I love this week probably more than any other week of the year. Well that's a complete and utter lie, but I'm just trying to get you psyched up for the Third Biennial Jackass Week! Now, there are a lot of people in my own personal journey who have proved themselves to be ultimate jackasses, but that's not what Jackass Week is about. We'll be voting Friday for The Biggest Jackass of Jackass Week. Well, I'll be the only one voting because it's my blog and my idea, but you can get your own blog and make up something like "Dumb Person of the Week Week" or "Here Is a List of Stupid People Week," or something lame like that, but the dealio is Jackass Week is mine all mine.

The first nominee is the critter who wrote this sentence: "Take a shower a day and in 77 years you will have soaped up more than 28,000 times - and sent a lot of water down the drain." (Nat'l Geo Human Footprint April 2008). Jackass. Water can be used more than once. In fact I took a shower just a few minutes ago with water that Napoleon Bonaparte's horse may have, well, evacuated. I brushed my teeth with water Jesus may have walked on. Does this imbecile know where water goes when it goes down the drain? The same place water goes after it falls from the sky. The difference is we sometimes stop it and fiddle with it before we send it to the ocean. Have you ever seen the ocean? It's big and filled with water. There are like five oceans and three seas I can think of right now, plus a whole bunch of lakes and puddles. With all of this showering going on you'd think they'd be low or something, but no! They're still full. And besides I've heard that French people don't use as much of it as we do.

I for one will continue to use water. I'll drink it. Shower with it. Drive my truck through big puddles of it to see how high I can get it to go. Swim in it. Eat fish from it. But I will not be made to feel guilty about any of it.

Jackass.

I Wanted Lettuce On My Sandwich But Didn't Get Any

I ate lunch yesterday in a diner. I live in New Jersey, where else do you think I would eat lunch, Subway? Anyway there were two guys in the booth acrost from me (notice New Jersey spelling). One was about 45 and the other was about 46. From their appearance they both seemed to be fairly successful middle-management types. I would guess one worked for U-Haul and the other might have been a fertilizer salesman. I'm not sure. But the point is they were having a lively and in-depth discussion about American Idol. Who the favorites were, why they were the best, who was going home next, who the final two were. I found this odd. Two grown men talking about American Idol on their lunch breaks. Almost creepy in a way, like, don't these guys watch sports or clean hair out of drains or do, other, more "guy" stuff? What also surprised me was how wrong all of their opinions were.

Kids These Days

So now everyone is shocked about the third graders in Georgia who put a fairly complex, if somewhat naive, plan together to off their teacher (who had disciplined one of them for standing on a chair). Seriously, stop being so ridiculous. Have you met any parents and their kids lately? Now that kids are their parents' BFF's in all their special little glory, no one says 'no' to the little creepy bastards, and when someone finally does, well then, that person must die. Mama in her stretch pants with her tattooed boobs will roll right down to the school and raise Holy Hell if the 'no' sayer is not punished capitally.

Couple that with the genetic breakdown caused by the non-stop garbage these kids' BFF/parents make them watch every time they hop in the SUV, and the Grand Theft Auto games the little trolls got for Christmas from Grandma and Grandpa who haven't a clue about what they just bought, and you will get murderous hordes of kids. Oh, and by the way, most of the kids were girls, that's right, creepy, icky girls. Shocked? Not me. The boys were probably too out of it on Ridalin to get up the energy to properly help with the plan.

Do I condone nine-year-olds plotting to kill their third grade teachers? No, but I had a crush on my third grade teacher so I am not wholly qualified to answer. However, I do have little tolerance for a society that complains about what it allows and then gets indignant and shocked about it.

There Are Alot of Jobs Out There

I was reading this month's National Geographic, a naive rag that is to science what People magazine is to culture but it's got great pictures, anyway, as I was saying, I was reading this month's copy and I learned that there is a guy who is considered the world's foremost authority on gecko adhesion. So what does being a Gecko Adhesion Authority (GAA) pay? Do you get a cool ID tag, or a badge maybe? What does a Gecko Adhesion Authority do for fun? For all you kids sitting at home waiting to be told what to do with your lives, consider this my advice.