Today I got to watch a video called "Baby Signing Time." Now, in and of itself it's funny that I got paid to watch a video called "Baby Signing Time", but that's not what I'm on about right now.
I'm watching this video and there's this overly sincere mom-looking woman singing to me about the signs for "horse," and "food," and "more," so I guess I can now sign "more horse food." Then comes all of these odd Stepford Children, looking bored or possibly incoherent and not understanding what exactly it is that their stage moms are making them do. Next I learned the sign for "diaper" and "potty" so the next time I'm in a rush I'll be okay. But this started to disturb me.
Then the sincere lady started singing a song that said that both of us (I guess her and her kid) have something to say and something about discovering each other everyday. At this point I became frightened for the future of society and I did some research.
It turns out I was not watching a video that helps teach little kids how to communicate with deaf relatives, which is what I, as a normal person, thought I was watching. No, I was watching a video that proposes to teach 3 month to 13 month old children how to communicate. And more importantly, as advertised, it proposes to eliminate tantrums completely. This is done through rhymes and stories and dance routines. First of all, you dopes, you're teaching infants how to communicate using language and cognitive skills they haven't developed yet. Anyway, what three-month-old do you know who knows what a cow is so they can comprehend that the sign for milk is "kind of like milking a cow"? Most 3-month old kids don't know what their hands are, let alone farm animals and how to get milk out of them.
Second of all, you morons, instead of sticking the little stinker in front of the TV and hoping you'll magically develop that awesome relationship with your baby you always wanted, why not, like, I don't know, try doing something like interacting, or playing a game, or going for a walk? You'll get to know your kid soon enough, and it's not always the treat you dreamed it would be.
"For the sign for water, you make a double-u with your fingers and press it to your chin." Okay, if my three-month old knew what a double-u was I wouldn't have to teach her to sign. I could just teach her to spell water with her magnetic letter set, and besides, three month olds aren't supposed to drink water. Nincompoop.
"Baby, baby, baby signing time. You can share what's on your mind..." Seriously, I am afraid of the parent who embraces this. Whaddya wanna bet the woman who wrote and produced this has a front row seat at Obama's coronation tomorrow?
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